This weekend, I was asked to lead my church during the morning services in prayer. I was asked to do this on Friday, so I did not have much time to think about it. I have struggled with fear of man issues for a very long time - though God is changing me for the better in a noticeable way - and talking or praying in front of a group brings out the strongest fear.
There have been three primary ways I have dealt with this. First, I have a friend who is relentlessly reminding me of the gospel, re-centering me on the fact that my relationship with God is not based on performance, but on what Christ has already done. If I am His through faith, then there is now no condemnation for me in Christ and I do not need to fear losing the relationship I have with Him. So, because of what Christ has done, I am loved and secure in that love.
Second, I have focused on God's "evaluation" of me, in contrast to man's. While related to the first, it is slightly different in focus. Whenever I get so focused on what a person or a group of individuals think of me, I try to remember that God is so much bigger than they are and that he is the only one who can cast into hell or bring into heaven. I need to care far more what he thinks of me - to the point where, although I am not unconcerned with others, I focus truly on an audience of one. His evaluation of me is the only one that really matters - especially in any type of eternal state. And, because of what Christ has already accomplished, God is quite pleased with me (and all who are in Christ). Now, that does not mean that there is never some "fatherly displeasure" or discipline in my life - any loving father who cares about their child would do so. But it is not the relationship-severing or bullying that sometimes occurs in human relationships. So, because I am part of God's family, where he is the Only True Father, I do what I do for His fatherly pleasure.
Third, I find that if I take my time before I have to speak and write out what I want to say, it not only organizes my thoughts and gives me time to think of how I want to say what I want to say, but it gives me a bit of a safety net. If I become afraid or nervous to the point of being somewhat paralyzed, I have a text in front of me to help me. While I wish this weren't necessary, at this stage of my "recovery," it is an invaluable aid to getting me up there in front of people. So this is a bit of a crutch, I admit it. I hope to one day outgrow it. But I also know that God works in my weakness, and if I were able to stand up with no fear, I would be greatly tempted to take pride in my "great oral skills." It is humbling to have people take exception to the fact that I read things - even things I write myself and are from my heart ... and perhaps that's just what I need at this point.
Which brings me to the prayer I prayed yesterday. I knew the section of scripture that would be preached on, as well as a couple of the main points. I also wanted to use a psalm as the starting point for the prayer. So, meditating on Psalm 77 and the text from Matthew 22, I came up with a prayer that was from my heart, a prayer that addressed in general terms the hurts and needs that are out there in virtually any congregation of any size. I spent time praising God, confessing broad and specific corporate and individual sins, thanking God specifically for those who served our country and those who gave their lives doing so (as it is Memorial Day weekend), and asking God to provide for the true, deep needs of the congregation. These were my words (though I'm sure most of the ideas are common among the many books I read and sermons I listen to) that I spent more than 3 hours preparing. But I read about two-thirds of my prayer. I had some extemporaneous spots throughout, but I wanted to be sure to say certain things in certain ways. Because of my fear-of-man struggles, I do not presume to think that my own motives were absolutely pure, but I think I am being truly honest when I say that I was not trying to impress people as much as pour my heart out to God and lead this group in a prayer that would reflect their heart to God as well. This was not so much about me looking good (though who wants to look bad?) as much as, I hope, about lifting God before the congregation, and lifting the congregation up to God.
After I finished, I wondered what people thought. But again, as I thought about my own pride and my own desire to have people like me, I thought it was "dangerous" for me to ask anyone. I wanted to be content that I did this for the Lord, and that His evaluation of me would be right and true, just and merciful. There were a number of people who came up to me and said that the appreciated the length of my prayer, the focus of my prayer, and the way that I said things. I find that I almost fear such compliments, since I do not want to feed my pride - but it did feel good to receive these, and I wanted to receive graciously what people went out of their way to offer.
But. There was one guy who had a huge issue with me reading my prayer. He didn't of course come to me about it, but spoke with someone else, who relayed the conversation to me (in the course of a general conversation we had - he didn't like, run over to me and say, "Ooooh, guess what ..."). This one comment unfortunately outweighed the dozens of positive comments - in my mind at least. There it is again - the perfectionism, the pride, the fear of man, the wanting everyone to be pleased with me. Forgive me Father for putting this person and these people above you in my heart - even if just for a moment. My wife is good for me - she is truly God's gift to me - and we joked about my pride and "OCD" tendencies. But this one comment sticks with me far more than the others - and that is wrong. Some people gave me beautiful comments, and I know the Lord has made me whatever I am - I can take no credit, except for my sin. Why can't I just enjoy the comments equally with the criticism, both on a level far below what God thinks of me? Why do I have this issue with pride, with fear of man, with wanting everyone to think well of me? I am such a sinner in need of so much grace! I am glad that God is not done with me yet.
So, I don't know if it is wrong or not to write out a prayer and read it. but I tend to think it is not. The Bible is full of written documents - including prayers - that are no less heartfelt because they were written. I wrote this out in my own words, and I think it better reflected my heart than the spur-of-the-moment extemporaneous prayers I do. I would love to be able to come up with such on the spot," but it's not like I write everything out. I thought it was appropriate given my shortcomings and the setting in which I was praying. I am sorry if I offended this man or any others - that was certainly not my intent. But, if I am doing this for an audience of one, I must let go of the criticism - and the compliments as well - not callously, but submitting who I am and what I do to the Only True and Righteous Judge. Who is also My Redeemer, My Father, and My God.
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