The Boston Marathon Bombing and our fear ...

What do you do when your fears have merit? We love to label our fears: acrophobia - fear of heights; Triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13; Arachibutyrophobia - the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Sometimes, these fears have little connection to the reality of this world, but other times they reflect a real danger in the world which we cannot control. If you have a fear of flying, no amount of rational talk may calm your fear. Even though the statistics say that flying is safer than driving, it is still a fact that some planes do in fact crash. This fear or anxiety of flying is a pessimistic prediction about the future: I know the likelihood of a crash is low, but some planes do in fact, crash - and I'm sure that this plane I'm about to get on is one of those planes. You cannot rationally talk someone out of this fear, because there is logic in much of their argument. So what do you do when you live in a world where bad things do happen? What do you do when you live in a world where someone would bomb the runners and spectators of the Boston Marathon? How do we protect ourselves from this danger? The experts will do their best figuring out who and how and why this occurred, though that will be little comfort for those who lost loved ones and limbs in the attack. I suspect there will be far fewer spectators next year at the Marathon because it is nearly impossible to protect 26 miles of a public course through the city. The fear of "what if it happens again?" will probably lead to many watching at home on the TV. I know that fear - my family had to go to Dallas in October of 2001. I decided that we would drive rather than fly because I did not want to face the uncertainty of "what might happen." That turned out to be a memorable trip for us, travelling through a few states for the first time. Is there any other option? Is there any hope? Is the answer "You can't let them win by making us afraid" or "Just don't think about it" or even a fatalistic "if it is your time to go, you can't change that?" People who have a naturalistic world view must in the end deal with it in their own strength, for there is no one greater to appeal to. But for the Christian, we must remember that nothing that happens on this earth goes unnoticed. Our pain is not merely the electrical response to stimuli, but moves God's heart. Sure, there are hard questions to ask about the existence of evil, but in times of grief and fear, we need to know that Our Father sees, hears, and comforts us even in the most grievous circumstances. The only way to navigate this broken world where evil people do evil things is to know that there is someone greater than those who plot evil. The solution to our fear is not a technique, not denying the reality of life, and not finding strength in ourselves. Trust in the One who rules the Universe settles fear. That's not a guarantee that bad things will not happen, but that you will not be alone if they do. And nothing comes into your life that does not first pass through His nail-pierced hands. This world is not the way it should be, and it is not forever. One day, for those who trust Christ, when we see Him face to face we will be like Him - and all pain, all suffering, all sin, all death, all decay, all destruction, all seperation from what is good will be gone. And he will wipe every tear from our eye ...

The Path ...

You have hurt me
You have wronged me
What you have done deserves death
You deserve to die a painful death
You deserve hell

The path I travel is a painful one
A path of remembering
A path of looking behind more often than ahead
A path of pain
A path of sorrow
A path of brokenness
A path of unfulfilled potential
A path of tarnished dreams
A path that should never have been

I will be your everlasting judge
Whenever you come near me, you will face my wrath
I will cover my contempt with smiles and hugs
But you will know my loathing for you

At times, I will actively hate you
I will work for your undoing
I will seek your demise
I will pluck the flesh off your bones
Every day will be life-sucking

Other times I will ignore you
I will not think of you
You will not enter my thoughts
It will be as if you never existed
You will not have the joy of my companionship
You will not be comforted
You are exiled

Someday, you will get yours
When that day comes, I will cackle
Over your broken body
I will rejoice in your demise
I will send gifts to those I love
Rejoicing that your name will soon be forgotten
But not by me
For your name will be a curse
A word I will use to show contempt
A word that I will use callously and trivially
I will dream of your screams
I will know the sound of your bones being crushed
Justice
For all you have done

This is a path of stinking dung
Dung so deep my legs sink in to my knees
Muck so thick that I struggle to take the next step
Each time I labor to lift my foot
There is a sucking sound
As if the muck tries to pull me in
If I stand still
All is lost
I will drown
And I will be added to the muck and mire
Seeking to bring others down to me

My sin
My sin is against the One who is love
My sin is against the Creator and sustainer of all things
My sin is high treason against a good and perfect King
My sin is worse than despicable
My sin stinks up the whole universe
My sin wraps around my neck like the vines of a rose bush
Promising flowers but delivering piercing thorns dripping with blood
It pulls me down to the grave like so many science fiction monsters
But this is real
It pulls me down into the depths of the grave
Into hell itself
My very name
Is a curse to me

I have chosen my own way … rather than the way of one who loves me perfectly
I have chosen to try to rule my own life … rather than to trust Him
I have chosen to set up my own Kingdom … rather than build His
I have chosen to pursue my own comforts … rather than serve Him
I have chosen my foolishness … rather than His wisdom
I have chosen darkness ... rather than light
I have chosen death … over life

Death
Darkness
Silent screams full of terror
Disorientation
Not knowing which way is up
Unable to breathe
Flames lapping at my feet
But never quenched
Justice
For all I have done
Despair

Hope
A light piercing the darkness
The last word not yet spoken
Destinies can be changed
If only
If only there was a King
A King greater than our sin
A King more loving than our hatred
A King committed to Himself
And all that is right and good and true
More than we are committed to our folly
A King with grace and mercy as his companions
A King whose word is his bond
And whose heart is true

Where is this King
We look for this King
Could he be the One
Whom we have disregarded
Whom we have spat upon
Whom we have flogged
Whom we have forsaken
Whom we have cursed
Who has forgiven us freely
For no other reason than He wanted to

We who have brought shame to His Name
We who have insisted on making our own path
We who have judged others
We who call on mute idols to save us
Like riches, power, position, pleasure, or independence
We who fought to be the Captain of our souls
And then shipwrecked upon those jagged rocks of sin
Always seen, rarely feared
We who scourged him
We who drove the nails in
We who crowned him with thorns
We who pierced his side
And mocked his nakedness
And watched him die
No justice
For what had he done to deserve this
For the joy
For the joy set before him
For the joy of bringing many sons and daughters into the Kingdom
For the joy of forgiveness
For the joy of restoration

Forgiveness is not free
Someone paid my debt
Someone took my punishment
Someone took my death
That I fully deserved
That I fully earned
That someone is him
While I was still his enemy
While I was still a rebel
While I was still a thieving murderer loose in his kingdom
He died
He died for me
He died in my place – not just that I might live
Not just that I might be a good slave
Not just that I might have a second chance
He died to make me His
He died to make me His child
He gave me full rights as a child of God
Where I go, I do not deserve
Where he leads, I go – and rejoice

His people resemble him
His children rise and call him blessed
His people call him Faithful and True
Compassionate and Loving
Just and Merciful
Righteousness clothed in unrighteousness
Beauty clothed in ugliness
Majesty crowned in criminality
Paradox
Wonder of wonders!
Life clothed in death

Justice upheld
Mercy triumphant
Love fulfilled
Grace granted
Only believe

The path of a citizen
The path of one forgiven so much
The path of an adopted one
People of the Kingdom forgive
Ambassadors of the King forgive
Children of the King forgive
The path of a beloved
The path of a son
His path

Forgiveness

Not because they must, but because they want to
They want to resemble their King, their Savior, their Father …
We are most like God when we forgive those who have wronged us
Those who have hurt us
Those who have done things that deserve punishment and condemnation

Forgiveness is the loosing of the hand on the noose
The dropping of the whip to scourge
The burning of the ledger of debts

Forgiveness is setting down the hammer and spikes
Time and time again
As you find them in your hands

Forgiveness is remembering the price paid for my great debt
and the smallness of the debt before me
and doing holy math

completing the divine equation
letting flow from my heart what has flowed into it
receiving grace as I kneel before the King
and freely offering it to my worst enemy

Forgiveness frees us from hanging on to the one who hurt us
Bitterness binds us to them every step they take
Forgiveness allows us to see the world again
Bitterness draws the one who hurt us nose to nose that we might extract vengeance … and see nothing else

I’m remembering the hurt … again
The pain … the tears …
I need to remember
Remember the great debt you forgave me
That I might not see this debt through a microscope
Making small things large
And yet, this pain is so overwhelming
It is impossible to forgive
Father, you excel in the impossible
You make your great name and power known
Through change
Change in people like me
To do impossible things

Father forgive us our sins
As we forgive those who sin against us
Father cleanse me
As I release others from my grasp

This path is hard
This path is painful
This path is self-denying
This path
Leads
To
Life

This path
Leads from a cross
To the throne
Of our Father
We must walk it
More than once
And lead others
Through it

This path
Is good

A truly different funeral ...

I went, last Thursday to the funeral of the 24-year old niece of one of our Elders. She was killed in a car accident on February 7 at about 10 AM. I went along with 3 other Elders primarily to support our fellow Elder, his daughter, his son, and the rest of his family. Funerals are obviously something you never want to go to - especially for someone so young.

This funeral was different than any I had ever been to before. First, there were, at my rough estimate, at least 1500 people there. While that is a lot, one might attribute it to a sudden death of someone so young. Second, the funeral lasted 3 and 1/2 hours - and there was really only one ten-minute section or so where I felt it was dragging a bit, with all due respect. For the rest of the time, the pastors did a wonderful job incorporating meaningful music (surprisingly upbeat for a funeral one might say) and the chosen representative speakers spoke from the heart and spoke well. I did not know the young woman, and so I was somewhat emotionally detached from the sudden tragedy, but I left there actually feeling ministered to. It was different than anything I've ever been to before. It was a funeral I would want to have at my time to minister to my friends and family - especially those who do not know the Lord.

Some of the details of her life I remember are this: She had grown up in this particular church and spent years in the youth group and young adult ministries. She went on missions trips to China, where she befriended many Chinese nationals - one in particular. Apparently this young lady was not just attractive and had a good personality, but had a way about her that made those around her feel valued. She went to college, where she continued to make friends and reach out to those around her. After graduating last May, she spent about a year looking for employment in her field - looking back, the family said that they were grateful for this past year and the time they could spend together. About two months ago, she got a job in her chosen field and was adjusting to it well. On that Saturday morning, she was on her way to do something (I forget if it was shopping or something else). The same morning, a husband and wife had an argument elsewhere in her city. The wife took off in her car, and the husband sped after her in his. Apparently, he lost control of his vehicle, crossing the median and hitting this young woman head on. She did not die immediately, and some of the paramedics were there at her funeral to be honored for their efforts at saving her. But she died at the scene.

As I reflect upon this incident, there are questions and thoughts that come to my mind - perhaps the same ones as yours. Why did this happen to someone so young? Why didn't she get delayed in her driveway and therefore miss the oncoming car? Why did someone who was apparently living well for the Lord die like this? Who can protect their children from tragedy in this world? If it can happen to her, what about my kids? What greater purpose could there be in this rather than letting her live out her life on the apparent track she was on? If this might happen at any time, is it better not to have kids? Who has any real control over anything in their lives?

Humanly speaking, this man and his wife are culpable for this death. From what I know, there was no wrong doing - not even a minor traffic infraction - by this young woman. Do you feel the wrongness of this? Do you see that this is just another example of a world gone mad by sin? Do you have that "righteous indignation" that this was so WRONG for this child to be taken like this! Does your heart want justice for this family? Do you not want to see our human justice system perform correctly here? Do you not want God to intervene in this family's life - to right the wrongs, to undo the damage, to restore vibrant life to where it was? Does not your heart long for this? My heart rages against the seeming senselessness of this ...

But then I consider ... Do you (I) see yourself (myself) as "different" from the husband and wife? Do you see that perhaps this could have been you after an argument with someone? Do you see in yourself the seeds of such sin of disregard for others around you? Do you sense your self-absorption to the exclusion of foresight of the tragedy you may inadvertently cause because of adherence to your agenda or your consumption in your fears, tears, or anger? Do you see the unintended consequences that could befall a moment of distracted driving?

I certainly don't have answers to the ultimate questions. The self-introspective ones I may have an inkling, but I don't like the answers. I'm not sure anyone does. The family stated that they were having a hard time themselves seeing this as from the Lord - and yet, in faith, they affirmed verses like "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will return. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Blessed be the name of the Lord." I'm not sure I could say the same thing looking at my child's coffin. I know I don't want to find out. I'd rather have my arms and legs cut off than lose one of my kids - and I would gladly die for them. But I don't know the danger around them, nor the danger coming at them - and I can't control their environment enough to guarantee safety. All I can do is trust - trust the Lord that His sovereign hand is at work in even this and that there is some greater plan to life than just my personal happiness. But, wow, I so do not want to go anywhere near the pain this family has gone through. God's answer is always best - but I do not have the ability to understand this one.

One might be able to be cynical and say "everyone says nice things at a funeral" or "it is easy to put together a show and not reflect the reality in their lives." One might be right, too. But something came through that night that these were not just empty sayings and religious words - these really seemed to reflect the people's hearts. The depth of pain, in my opinion, stripped away any veneer and I think we got a glimpse into her family's heart. They are certainly hurting, probably more so now that the shock is wearing off and life returns to "normal" - as normal as it can get knowing that you will never see your youngest daughter walk through the door this side of eternity again.

How do you make sense of a tragedy like this? I don't think you can. It's a bit of an overused word picture, but I think it is accurate to say that the bottom side of a beautiful tapestry makes no sense until you see the top. I believe the Bible teaches that God is sovereign over all things - which means at the very least, he allowed this to happen. But this really is where theology meets life. Can one affirm in the darkest places what one is taught in the light? How does the Bible teach us to deal with tragedy in light of the truth presented about God's sovereignty? God himself does not back away from the hard answers sovereignty points to. It would be far too easy to remain sterile and academic about this and rattle off the "right answers." But how would you help this grieving family?

Would you try to find "the right words" to say? Or would you refrain from speaking any words - choosing to weep with those who weep? Would you try to answer a grieving father's cries as he questions why his daughter was taken in this manner? Or would you believe there is no suitable answer to tragedy - no intellectual reason that can make it OK at this moment - and seek to just enter the pain with him?

Would you quote Bible verses to them? Would you try to tell them of a time when you faced a tragedy? Would you try to tell them they just need "more faith?" Would you assume (even if you never said it) that they or this woman must have done something to deserve this? How would you minister to them at this time? Would your words (or silence) add to his grief, comfort him, or just be empty like dusty cobwebs in the corner of the ceiling which no one can reach?

You see, I think our understanding of the gospel has got to be able to handle even these tragedies. If the gospel cannot answer the pain of this family, the gospel has no real power. Christ must be savior in the midst of tragedy, or He is no savior. This should drive us to seek deep answers to hard questions. There are answers. God can handle the tough questions. Don't give a 5 cent answer to a hundred dollar question. Trite phrases and glib quotes won't help pain this deep. There must be something to our faith to help people like this.

This was a tragedy. The family and friends are grieving deeply. They grieve with hope, however. They know their God is trustworthy, that this life is fleeting, and that one day, they will see their daughter/sister/friend again. One day, God will set all things right. That day is not today however. I don't think I have the strength to go through what they did - and yet, I am powerless to prevent such a thing from happening. I have no other choice but to throw myself on his mercy and love and know that whatever comes into my life, comes to my life through nail-pierced hands. I shudder and beg, but I try to trust ...

How do you help someone?

How do you help someone who won't let you in? Who won't even talk to you? I have a friend in the middle of an adulterous affair. He's lost his job and has isolated himself from people that care for him. His children are angry, and his wife has been betrayed. How do you speak into situations such as these?



I know that we cannot counsel someone who does not want counsel. We can't help someone who refuses help ... or can we? Can we not help an unwilling friend in spite of themselves? It is clear we can't have the direct ministry in their life that would be most helpful, but can't we do something? I think we can.



We can pray. This is not a trite saying or a synonym for "we're confused" or "we don't know what to do." We can take our friend and the situation to God's very Throne. We can plead with God to act for His Name's sake in mercy and grace to this person. We can confidently know that God knows all things, and that he takes these things and weaves them into his master tapestry. We bring no new information to God, nor do we stir an unwilling King. We do not need to beg from our Father, yet he values and uses our prayers sovereignly to bring about His will. Sometimes we do need to be diligent in praying for a long time for situations. Praying is not a waste of time - but neither is it a show. It is not useless because we do not know God's secret will, but neither do we bend God to our will. It is not a matter of the right words, but of the right heart. God will graciously grant our requests as they line up with his will. Prayer is the means that he uses to bring about his will - if I do not pray, someone else will and they will get the blessing of being used by God to bring about his will. Just as Paul says "How will they hear if no one speaks?" The one who speaks the Word does not accomplish God's will, but is used as a conduit through which God accomplishes his will. If we don't want to be involved, God will raise up others who will - just as Jesus said the very rocks would cry out if the crowd was silent. God will get the praise he has ordained - whether he uses me or a rock. But it's better for me if He uses me ...


And so, we can pray for my friend.

What else can we do?



We can let all those involved know that we are open to them, waiting to hear from them. We can let them know that we can't go along with their choice, but are willing to love them enough to be straight with them.



We can choose to let go of the pride and anger in our own heart that wants to condemn and wants to be angry for what their sin has cost us - but truthfully, where am I really on the list of offended people? We can address the issues of our own heart so that we do not sin by judging, condemning, becoming self-righteous, or worrying that our plans or reputations are ruined (incidentally, that might be another good blog - on the damage Christians do to each other in the name of "keeping a good testimony"). It is not about us.

What do you do when someone hurts you?

What do you do when someone hurts you? Not just anyone, but someone close. Not just someone close, but your best friend. Not just hurts you, but strikes you at your core.

I had an experience like that recently. Someone said something to me to struck me down, took my breath away. If you've ever seen the movie "First Knight" with Sean Connery, the scene where Arthur's "dream" dies - that's how I felt and what came to mind for me. It was as if my inspiration was taken away. My dream died. And I was angry.

Now, I simmered for a number of days, not sure what to do, where to go, what to say. But, because of what God has been doing in my life, I was not able to solely camp on the thing done to me. Many things came to mind. First, perhaps God allowed this to take place because I had allowed this relationship to become part of my identity - perhaps to displace or compete with God on His throne in my life. God is my identity alone. Everything else is a blessing from Him, but it's not Him.

Second, I realized that I too have said something similar to this person in the past. Not exactly the same, and it was many years ago, but I suppose it was no less hurtful. And it certainly was no less culpable.

Third, nothing in my life is as good as I thought it was. This is a good realization. Nothing in my life satisfies or lives up to the promises it makes to me. Not baseball, not wrestling, not even theology itself. Nothing except Christ. Christ far outshines the things in my life that I thought were so good. I was content with fool's gold and quartz crystals and "shiny metal trinkets" until I saw true beauty. I was, to borrow a phrase, content with making mud pies in the gutter when a holiday at the sea had been offered. None of the things I thought would satisfy me ever live up to the "billing" they receive in my head.

Only Christ is worthy of worship. Only Christ is worthy of being "on a pedestal" in my life. Only Christ is capable of never letting me down. Only Christ has died for me and lives to make me His own ...

So when someone hurt me, I did not minimize the pain. Instead I remembered my past and what I had done and how Christ forgives me. Things are put in their proper place in my life - if even for only just a moment. I choose to forgive them - which means I relinquish all rights to bring it up again or make them pay for what they did. I thank God for showing me once again that only He truly satisfies. I can enjoy my friend again in Christ - not because they give me what I "need" - but because what I need has been taken care of by Christ.

When you are misunderstood ...

What do you do when you are misunderstood?



I try to help clear up people's apparent misconceptions of me. My reputation must not be tarnished and my pride fed, so of course I must set the person straight. It's all about me after all. My reputation is so valuable that I must keep it clean at all costs. I'm never wrong, either, so I have to help others see that ...



Ugh... even when I'm joking about it (ok, maybe there's more truth there than I want to admit), it turns my stomach. Why is it that I can get so much in the way of myself? Why do I need to be in view at all? It's because I worship something or someone other than Christ - namely, me! And those times where I'm not worshipping me, I worship you - my fear of man issues rearing their ugly head again! My reputation is not without tarnish, first of all, and second, my reputation is not worth defending at all costs - maybe not at any cost. It's not because I'm so bad (though I fall short in every area), but because Christ is so good! It is His reputation that is worth upholding, His Glory upheld. I am not supposed to bein the business of self-justification. I am His and I serve His purposes - whether I choose to or not. He will get the Glory in my Christ-likeness and He will get the Glory in disciplining me in my sin. Fortunately for me, God has chosen to get Glory in forgiving my sin, justifying me, and adopting me into His family - if not, He would have received Glory in justly condemning me in my sin to an eternal punishment. God gets His glory from sinners - though he takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked - but it makes a difference to this sinner how He gets His glory in me ...



So, what I would like to do, when I am misunderstood, is to be ready and willing to live with that, should the Lord call me to such. To be able to put down arms, physically or verbally, and allow Him to defend His honor as He sees fit. I am far too tarnished to believe my motives are always true blue, anyway.



Being misunderstood attacks me at weak points, and I don't hold up very well to such attacks at times. I pray that the Lord will help me to continue letting go of my reputation, that I would not become defensive or prideful about it - but I also pray that I do nothing to tarnish His reputation. No one wants to be misunderstod ... but God calls us to serve and die to ourselves.

Anger ...

It's tax day .. I don't know if there's a connection ... We sent ours in weeks ago, yet this is my third entry today ... :)

I have a hard time sorting out my own anger. Too often, I do the "acceptable" thing and try to explain away my anger as "righteous indignation." Now, I'm not sure that indignation is an accurate description for what I feel - but righteous? Surely not. My motives are far too mixed - I'd consider it some sort of victory if a tenth of my anger was truly righteous. But I suspect it's not.

Too often my anger is about my plans being thwarted, my will not being done. When I lose sight of the big picture, I can easily get angry or depressed when the things I "invest" my life into don't turn out the way I want them to. Recently, someone described "grumpiness" or irritability as "anger on a slow simmer." Ouch.

I want you to be like me, to value the things I value, to hate the things I hate, to understand me perfectly ... What in the world is going on inside me? There just is no hope for me ...

Except Christ. He loves me through my anger, and he loves me too much to leave me in my anger. The anger of man does not bring about God's righteousness - in spite of my protests that my anger, surely, is righteous enough and tempered enough to make people change! Anger can bully some people into outward compliance, but it doesn't reach into the heart for real change. Anger can be used by God to wake up a sleeping person, but it is God's kindness that leads us to repent.

Someday, I would like to experience true "holy anger" but I'm afraid that it will not be satisfying, but just confirm to me that the anger in my life is too much about me and my kingdom and my will ...

Lord, teach me ... change me. For your name's sake