Anger ...

It's tax day .. I don't know if there's a connection ... We sent ours in weeks ago, yet this is my third entry today ... :)

I have a hard time sorting out my own anger. Too often, I do the "acceptable" thing and try to explain away my anger as "righteous indignation." Now, I'm not sure that indignation is an accurate description for what I feel - but righteous? Surely not. My motives are far too mixed - I'd consider it some sort of victory if a tenth of my anger was truly righteous. But I suspect it's not.

Too often my anger is about my plans being thwarted, my will not being done. When I lose sight of the big picture, I can easily get angry or depressed when the things I "invest" my life into don't turn out the way I want them to. Recently, someone described "grumpiness" or irritability as "anger on a slow simmer." Ouch.

I want you to be like me, to value the things I value, to hate the things I hate, to understand me perfectly ... What in the world is going on inside me? There just is no hope for me ...

Except Christ. He loves me through my anger, and he loves me too much to leave me in my anger. The anger of man does not bring about God's righteousness - in spite of my protests that my anger, surely, is righteous enough and tempered enough to make people change! Anger can bully some people into outward compliance, but it doesn't reach into the heart for real change. Anger can be used by God to wake up a sleeping person, but it is God's kindness that leads us to repent.

Someday, I would like to experience true "holy anger" but I'm afraid that it will not be satisfying, but just confirm to me that the anger in my life is too much about me and my kingdom and my will ...

Lord, teach me ... change me. For your name's sake