Despair

I don't want to trivialize anyone whose despair dwarfs my own, but sometimes I feel like I am in a deep hole seeing no way out. Often, after the fact, I realize that it was just a tire track in the mud that I had crawled head first into. Why do I do it? At one level, I don't know. But at another level, I think I do it because I doubt God's loving care for me. I find myself on that horrendous treadmill that thinks that I'm only worth accepting and loving when I perform well, or when I at least do "what I'm supposed to ..." It's a terrible place, really, because you know you never measure up to your own standards or someone else's - let alone God's. I was in that place yesterday, dealing with an issue. All I could see was "doom and gloom" and a rejection of me and my efforts to minister. The worst part was that I could not completely sort out my own motives, so I couldn't even console myself with the fact that I am trying to do the right thing. I had even joked to a friend that it was time for me to move on.

I even ... I hate to admit this ... I even ... began to question God's goodness and love. I wondered why he was not fixing this situation so that we could move on to other more important issues. But here we stood. I began to rehearse what I would say and how I would say it - not because I want to be disingenuous, but because I knew that my heart might back off in the heat of the moment. I found myself looking back at "all I had sacrificed" for this particular group and wondering if it was all for naught. I could not see God at work and I wondered what he was doing. Nevertheless, for lots of reasons, I decided on a course of action ...

And then something surprising, wonderful and convicting happened. God took care of the situation in one night, without my help, without my input, without my efforts, without my involvement at all. What a truly humbling moment for me. And, of course, now I feel shame for doubting and wondering what God was doing. But Christ's sacrifice is greater than ALL my shame - this one too. So, now, as I ponder this, I see once again that God is more faithful, more loving, and more timely than I understand. And it appears that the situation is worked out for all parties involved - something I would have considered impossible just 24 hours ago! God is truly above me in every way to an infinite degree, his thoughts above my own and his way higher than my way - which, though obvious, sometimes leaves my consciousness far too often ...

So, perhaps next time, when I am tempted to despair because I lack trust in God's love or character, or because I think things have to be done my way and in my timing, or because I can't see what God is doing, perhaps I'll remember this moment when God made His activities known to me in a small way. And perhaps, just maybe, I'll remember