What do I want?

To modify a quote from a favorite teacher, "All I want is a fully sanctified wife, fully sanctified children, and fully sanctified people all around me who do not cause me trouble or pain and always understand me where I am in the moment and say and do the perfect thing to make me happy."

That's all. Is that too much to ask?

But that is a horrific statement, and one that I now realize is based on a worldview that is false and destructive. My life must be bigger than my life or it is pitiful. My life cannot be all about me. But there it is, in my heart, that desire to have my fantasy come true - and who ever fantasizes about being told no or failing at the task or going unnoticed? Someday everything will be put right - but not right according to my plans, but according to His. And that includes me. I'm not right. My view on the world is skewed. My thoughts are not pure, and my actions are not true. As much as I want to think they are, they have huge, gaping holes in them. Not because I'm worse than you or John down the street, but because I fall so short of a Holy God. And there is no hope to make them right in myself.

But, because I am God's child by His grace, He will not give up on me. He will continue the process despite my resistence - for my resistence is part of the problem. Why do I resist such love for me? Why do I resist the wisdom of the creator of the universe who designed how things work and wants my best? Not my best as in health and wealth - no, something far greater. All of us will die, and all wealth will be given to others one way or another. Something far more precious than that - my eternal best. To be what I was created to be and have joy and satisfaction in that. To see God, to know Him, and to love Him - to run on Him as a perfectly tuned Ferrari runs on high-tech gasoline. But so much more than that.

And because God is true, because he is faithful, because he is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good, whatever He takes me through is for my ultimate benefit. And that includes the bad stuff. Don't get me wrong - I have no desire to hurt or suffer loss or be in pain. I flee from those things as everyone else does - maybe worse.

Maybe it's like when I was 7 and had to get my toe operated on. I had horrendous ingrown toenails at that age. My "toenail beds" grew nails with little "barbs" every once in a while that dug into the surrounding skin as they grew, causing infection. I had to get the sides of my toenails removed. If I remember correctly, over the years, I had 5 of these operations done on three sides. I was told the operations only fail "one out of a thousand times." If I believe that statement and do my math right, that makes my toes one in a million ... but I'm on a bit of a rabbit trail. The point is that when I had to have my toe "blocked" with novacaine, the four shots were very intense for me at 7. Whether that was because my toe was infected, or because I was so young, I developed an absolute hyper-fear of needles. But, ultimately, that pain was good - in fact it saved my from far worse pain in the moment and in the long run. But that doesn't comfort a 7 year old. When I was in the hospital for yet another toe operation, it took a doctor and two nurses to hold me down as an 11-year old. When I was a sophomore in high school, I talked the doctor into not stitching my split-open chin, all because of this fear. As I got older, shots became more frequent, but the pain lessened. I doin't know why that is really, but my theory is that as I go through life and experience true pain (i.e. the pain of losing someone, the pain of dreams going unfulfilled, etc.) the pain of these needles just isn't as big as it used to be. The pain also paled in comparison to the joy of falling in love, getting married, and having children. I don't know which of these things is more important - the experience of greater pain or the experience of greater joys - to the fading of pain, but they both play a part.

And so, as I continue to live in this world as a fallen man living among fallen people, the pains I experience give me a better perspective on the things I thought were so bad. And the joys give me hope that no matter how bad the pain, there will be better days. And so, I can know live not as a disgruntled man whose world fails to live up to his expectations, but as a loved child on a journey to a far better place whose joys will far outshine the deepest pain we have now. Therefore, as I live with my wife and my kids and with you, I remember what has been done for me and how the Lord is patient and working for my good and preparing me to live with Him forever. So if I have to go through pain caused by others, I want to do so willingly. For their sake. And for His.