Why is it that I seem to work better to a deadline? I am seemingly able to focus better and make decisions about priority easier. I believe I focus better, perhaps because of the adrenaline that pumps into my system as the deadline approaches.
I'd like to be able to pace myself reasonably and put in work over a period of time. I used to run cross country, so I understand that if you always go all out from the start, you rarely run the best race you are capable of. I also know that things happen unexpectedly and you cannot expect people to always extend grace because of your own lack of planning ... what was that sign I saw, "Your lack of planning doesn't make this my emergency ..."
What is it about my heart? Is it a love of leisure? Is it a love of my own wants? Why can't I see at the beginning the way I so often feel at the end - that this might have been able to be done better and thereby glorify God more, but I'm out of time. And yet, perhaps that's my perfectionism sneaking through once again. Maybe it's my almost compulsive need to do everything so that others don't criticize. How do I come to grips with the fact that I just cannot do everything I want - especially to the level I want to do it? That seems like accepting mediocrity ...
And yet, to always demand the best result you could produce may be placing an idol of performance on my personal altar. Does everything need to be done with such precision? I get so frustrated when I do dishes by hand (the dishwasher is truly a marvelous thing) because I don't stop unless there is absolutely no visible defect in the condition of the plate. My wife has grown to take pity on me after years of marriage - what she does in 10 or 15 minutes takes me almost an hour ... Why is that? What is this need for control or certainty?
Like everything else, though there may be influences in my life (my past, my disposition, my environment), ultimately I am responsible for the choices I make, for the things I desire, and for the things I allow to come before my relationship with God.
If God calls me to serve Him in such a way that I can only spend 5 minutes washing dishes, I need to either come up with a way to get them clean in that amount of time (without obsessing over them) or hand off that responsibility to another. To spend more time washing dishes if He has called me to something else is to fall short - to sin. It is not my reputation at stake - who am I anyway - but His. It is not my agenda, desires, or preferences, but His.
And He loves me. And He loves others. And He can run the universe just fine without me. So, if he calls me to do something quicker or in a different time period than I would prefer, it is best. He made me - he knows my gifts and limitations. So, whatever His purpose may be - including to humble me by failing at my task - it is better for me and those around me if I stop trying to do things my way and conform to His plan for me.
Help me Lord, to see how I can use my time wisely, my energy wisely, and leave the evaluation of the task You set before me to You as well. I may claim to be interested in Your glory when in reality, I have my reputation in mind. Help me to see the task you have for me in this moment, and leave the bigger plan to you. Someday, when all is revealed, I may be shocked to see how many "good" things I passed up because I wanted those dishes to be "squeaky clean."
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