I have the privilege to run a meeting tonight. There will be anywhere from 100-200 people there, representing many more. I'm not the only one presenting, nor am I even the primary presenter. But we have a couple of issues that have generated what seems like a great number of comments - and I have no idea what direction the meeting will take.
Inside, I have that nervous energy similar to before a wrestling match. It's a familiar feeling, and one probably most associated with putting yourself out there for all to see - and critique. And some critiques are not kind. I understand that - and I've even given a few unkind critiques myself. No one is making me do this - it is my choice to have accepted this position, and my choice to be "out there." In many ways, the unknowns are the worst of it. What if someone asks a hard question, or a question I don't know the answer to? What will I do then? And I know I can't please everyone. So, no matter what I do, there is always someone who will find something that could have been done better - and I've done that to others as well. Somehow the mistake someone else makes that you "know" you wouldn't have made seems so much worse than the dozen others you do make ...
And yet, this time is a little different. As I continue to grow and be led by the Lord, I find that it really is less about me. To be sure, I do not want to "mess up" and I want to do well and do the the right thing - but even if I try my best, it won't be perfect. But that's not the point, really. I believe I am right now where God wants me to be.
Because he is with me and will not leave me nor forsake me, no matter what happens, he'll still be with me. He doesn't give up on His children. And that's a huge comfort - more comfort than just about anything. More than that, though, because he is sovereign, I am right where he wants me to be in order to accomplish in me what he wants to accomplish. That can be a little scary ... what if he wants to humble me? what if my pride needs to be absolutely shattered? what if I am called to be a voice for Him in the midst of a failure? what I my weaknesses are to be utterly exposed in order for his strength to shine through me?
And yet, if any of these or all of these or something I haven't even imagined is coming ... he is still in control. And there is no other place to be than where he wants me. So, somehow - even with this feeling in my stomach, there is an overarching sense of peace as I know God is in control. Thus, like everything else in me, I am a mixture of belief and unbelief, of trust and mistrust, of faith and doubt, of boldness and fear, of confidence in Him and lack of confidence in myself ...
"I believe. Help my unbelief!"
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