You have hurt me
You have wronged me
What you have done deserves death
You deserve to die a painful death
You deserve hell
The path I travel is a painful one
A path of remembering
A path of looking behind more often than ahead
A path of pain
A path of sorrow
A path of brokenness
A path of unfulfilled potential
A path of tarnished dreams
A path that should never have been
I will be your everlasting judge
Whenever you come near me, you will face my wrath
I will cover my contempt with smiles and hugs
But you will know my loathing for you
At times, I will actively hate you
I will work for your undoing
I will seek your demise
I will pluck the flesh off your bones
Every day will be life-sucking
Other times I will ignore you
I will not think of you
You will not enter my thoughts
It will be as if you never existed
You will not have the joy of my companionship
You will not be comforted
You are exiled
Someday, you will get yours
When that day comes, I will cackle
Over your broken body
I will rejoice in your demise
I will send gifts to those I love
Rejoicing that your name will soon be forgotten
But not by me
For your name will be a curse
A word I will use to show contempt
A word that I will use callously and trivially
I will dream of your screams
I will know the sound of your bones being crushed
Justice
For all you have done
This is a path of stinking dung
Dung so deep my legs sink in to my knees
Muck so thick that I struggle to take the next step
Each time I labor to lift my foot
There is a sucking sound
As if the muck tries to pull me in
If I stand still
All is lost
I will drown
And I will be added to the muck and mire
Seeking to bring others down to me
My sin
My sin is against the One who is love
My sin is against the Creator and sustainer of all things
My sin is high treason against a good and perfect King
My sin is worse than despicable
My sin stinks up the whole universe
My sin wraps around my neck like the vines of a rose bush
Promising flowers but delivering piercing thorns dripping with blood
It pulls me down to the grave like so many science fiction monsters
But this is real
It pulls me down into the depths of the grave
Into hell itself
My very name
Is a curse to me
I have chosen my own way … rather than the way of one who loves me perfectly
I have chosen to try to rule my own life … rather than to trust Him
I have chosen to set up my own Kingdom … rather than build His
I have chosen to pursue my own comforts … rather than serve Him
I have chosen my foolishness … rather than His wisdom
I have chosen darkness ... rather than light
I have chosen death … over life
Death
Darkness
Silent screams full of terror
Disorientation
Not knowing which way is up
Unable to breathe
Flames lapping at my feet
But never quenched
Justice
For all I have done
Despair
Hope
A light piercing the darkness
The last word not yet spoken
Destinies can be changed
If only
If only there was a King
A King greater than our sin
A King more loving than our hatred
A King committed to Himself
And all that is right and good and true
More than we are committed to our folly
A King with grace and mercy as his companions
A King whose word is his bond
And whose heart is true
Where is this King
We look for this King
Could he be the One
Whom we have disregarded
Whom we have spat upon
Whom we have flogged
Whom we have forsaken
Whom we have cursed
Who has forgiven us freely
For no other reason than He wanted to
We who have brought shame to His Name
We who have insisted on making our own path
We who have judged others
We who call on mute idols to save us
Like riches, power, position, pleasure, or independence
We who fought to be the Captain of our souls
And then shipwrecked upon those jagged rocks of sin
Always seen, rarely feared
We who scourged him
We who drove the nails in
We who crowned him with thorns
We who pierced his side
And mocked his nakedness
And watched him die
No justice
For what had he done to deserve this
For the joy
For the joy set before him
For the joy of bringing many sons and daughters into the Kingdom
For the joy of forgiveness
For the joy of restoration
Forgiveness is not free
Someone paid my debt
Someone took my punishment
Someone took my death
That I fully deserved
That I fully earned
That someone is him
While I was still his enemy
While I was still a rebel
While I was still a thieving murderer loose in his kingdom
He died
He died for me
He died in my place – not just that I might live
Not just that I might be a good slave
Not just that I might have a second chance
He died to make me His
He died to make me His child
He gave me full rights as a child of God
Where I go, I do not deserve
Where he leads, I go – and rejoice
His people resemble him
His children rise and call him blessed
His people call him Faithful and True
Compassionate and Loving
Just and Merciful
Righteousness clothed in unrighteousness
Beauty clothed in ugliness
Majesty crowned in criminality
Paradox
Wonder of wonders!
Life clothed in death
Justice upheld
Mercy triumphant
Love fulfilled
Grace granted
Only believe
The path of a citizen
The path of one forgiven so much
The path of an adopted one
People of the Kingdom forgive
Ambassadors of the King forgive
Children of the King forgive
The path of a beloved
The path of a son
His path
Forgiveness
Not because they must, but because they want to
They want to resemble their King, their Savior, their Father …
We are most like God when we forgive those who have wronged us
Those who have hurt us
Those who have done things that deserve punishment and condemnation
Forgiveness is the loosing of the hand on the noose
The dropping of the whip to scourge
The burning of the ledger of debts
Forgiveness is setting down the hammer and spikes
Time and time again
As you find them in your hands
Forgiveness is remembering the price paid for my great debt
and the smallness of the debt before me
and doing holy math
completing the divine equation
letting flow from my heart what has flowed into it
receiving grace as I kneel before the King
and freely offering it to my worst enemy
Forgiveness frees us from hanging on to the one who hurt us
Bitterness binds us to them every step they take
Forgiveness allows us to see the world again
Bitterness draws the one who hurt us nose to nose that we might extract vengeance … and see nothing else
I’m remembering the hurt … again
The pain … the tears …
I need to remember
Remember the great debt you forgave me
That I might not see this debt through a microscope
Making small things large
And yet, this pain is so overwhelming
It is impossible to forgive
Father, you excel in the impossible
You make your great name and power known
Through change
Change in people like me
To do impossible things
Father forgive us our sins
As we forgive those who sin against us
Father cleanse me
As I release others from my grasp
This path is hard
This path is painful
This path is self-denying
This path
Leads
To
Life
This path
Leads from a cross
To the throne
Of our Father
We must walk it
More than once
And lead others
Through it
This path
Is good
