Despair

I don't want to trivialize anyone whose despair dwarfs my own, but sometimes I feel like I am in a deep hole seeing no way out. Often, after the fact, I realize that it was just a tire track in the mud that I had crawled head first into. Why do I do it? At one level, I don't know. But at another level, I think I do it because I doubt God's loving care for me. I find myself on that horrendous treadmill that thinks that I'm only worth accepting and loving when I perform well, or when I at least do "what I'm supposed to ..." It's a terrible place, really, because you know you never measure up to your own standards or someone else's - let alone God's. I was in that place yesterday, dealing with an issue. All I could see was "doom and gloom" and a rejection of me and my efforts to minister. The worst part was that I could not completely sort out my own motives, so I couldn't even console myself with the fact that I am trying to do the right thing. I had even joked to a friend that it was time for me to move on.

I even ... I hate to admit this ... I even ... began to question God's goodness and love. I wondered why he was not fixing this situation so that we could move on to other more important issues. But here we stood. I began to rehearse what I would say and how I would say it - not because I want to be disingenuous, but because I knew that my heart might back off in the heat of the moment. I found myself looking back at "all I had sacrificed" for this particular group and wondering if it was all for naught. I could not see God at work and I wondered what he was doing. Nevertheless, for lots of reasons, I decided on a course of action ...

And then something surprising, wonderful and convicting happened. God took care of the situation in one night, without my help, without my input, without my efforts, without my involvement at all. What a truly humbling moment for me. And, of course, now I feel shame for doubting and wondering what God was doing. But Christ's sacrifice is greater than ALL my shame - this one too. So, now, as I ponder this, I see once again that God is more faithful, more loving, and more timely than I understand. And it appears that the situation is worked out for all parties involved - something I would have considered impossible just 24 hours ago! God is truly above me in every way to an infinite degree, his thoughts above my own and his way higher than my way - which, though obvious, sometimes leaves my consciousness far too often ...

So, perhaps next time, when I am tempted to despair because I lack trust in God's love or character, or because I think things have to be done my way and in my timing, or because I can't see what God is doing, perhaps I'll remember this moment when God made His activities known to me in a small way. And perhaps, just maybe, I'll remember

Name Change

I decided to change the name of this blog. I wanted to come up with a catchy name that would make everyone go "wow." But that's too much about me and my desires ... therefore, I spent a few minutes thinking about it and picked the best one I could think of. I don't have a sense of how others will react to it, or if the will ever even read this. And that's OK.

I love collegiate and Olympic styles of wrestling - I am not a fan of so-called "professional wrestling." I wrestled in both high school and college, and I help out when I get the chance with my brother's team that he coaches. Wrestling has taught me many things that football, baseball, track, and cross country never did (not that they didn't teach me things unique to them). And I love the idea of 1-on-1 attack or defend with no place to hide and few breaks to take. 5, 6, or 7 minutes of some of the most intense physical activity around, yet without the brutality of actually trying to hurt someone as some of the more recent "ultimate fighting" sports have. You need to be a fairly well-rounded athlete usually to do well with wrestling because of its nature.

I also love ideas. Not just ideas for the sake of ideas, but ideas that impact lives - either in the short term or the long term. Something that can help someone be a better person today, or something that can help shape a society for the better tomorrow. I love talking over ideas with someone who is rigorous in their thought processes, who can counter and attack my reasoning as I seek to understand something better.

Thus, I want to wrestle with the ideas that shape my life. This could go a billion different ways - who knows? But that's my reason for this name and my hope for this blog.

And, to push the metaphor, do I expect to "pin" life? No, I just want to go the distance ...

Suspicion, part 2

As I have reflected over my own posts, I must confess that there is at least one thing I forgot when I wrote my post on suspicion. In general, I do become hesitant when I find someone to be overly suspicious, but it is unfair to characterize everyone who is suspicious in such light. As with most things in anyone's blog, the issues come straight out of issues I am dealing with in my life, or at least issues I think are important enough to spend time reflecting on. But I guess that is rather obvious ...

In any case, as I continued to reflect on why people are suspicious, I find myself considering the case of someone who has been hurt severely. I can understand that if you are mugged, you might have an aversion to strangers on a street for a while. If you have been fired unjustly, you might look with a suspicious eye towards any potential employer. I think it is obvious that such things happen, and I missed this on my other post because of what I was focused on in my own life. But, stepping back again, is this type of suspicion justified?

I'm not saying it's not easy to do, perhaps even somewhat "natural." But is it an appropriate response? I can see such a reaction flowing out of self-protection - but is that a good response? In every case? Or, are we called to put our trust in One who is sovereign over all things, including the tragedy of our lives? I don't say that lightly - I don't want to go through tragedy myself. I will do immensely complicated things to avoid a situation that I feel has an undue probability for trouble. In many ways, I can see that this is loving and helpful to my family. But, if Christ calls me to go through something and to come out of it with a supernatural forgiveness and trust in Him, I might be called to re-enter the very environment that put me in danger before. And that scares me. It is not safe to trust a God who might take you through such dark valleys - if your safety is of the highest value. But, it is actually the best place for us to be - if He is all wise, all-loving, and all-powerful. And promises that all things work together for your good. Somehow, beyond our feeble minds. Nothing comes into my life that does not first go through those nail-pierced hands. I can't say that I have willingly followed into many dangerous places, and frankly, I don't want to. But something in me wants to want to ... I want to be so caught up in who God truly is that the vision of Him in all His Glory is enough to get me through whatever He chooses to take me. Admittedly, these thoughts could be easily dismissed as "theoretical," and perhaps they are of little value. And so, I don't condemn anyone who is suspicious when they have been severely hurt. I understand how that can be. I'm no different. I wish I was, though ...

But, even when we have been hurt, that does not need to define us or our reactions. God is bigger than the injustice you suffered. He will also make all things right. He is trustworthy, true, just, and powerful. And, thankfully, merciful ...

Anger ...

It's tax day .. I don't know if there's a connection ... We sent ours in weeks ago, yet this is my third entry today ... :)

I have a hard time sorting out my own anger. Too often, I do the "acceptable" thing and try to explain away my anger as "righteous indignation." Now, I'm not sure that indignation is an accurate description for what I feel - but righteous? Surely not. My motives are far too mixed - I'd consider it some sort of victory if a tenth of my anger was truly righteous. But I suspect it's not.

Too often my anger is about my plans being thwarted, my will not being done. When I lose sight of the big picture, I can easily get angry or depressed when the things I "invest" my life into don't turn out the way I want them to. Recently, someone described "grumpiness" or irritability as "anger on a slow simmer." Ouch.

I want you to be like me, to value the things I value, to hate the things I hate, to understand me perfectly ... What in the world is going on inside me? There just is no hope for me ...

Except Christ. He loves me through my anger, and he loves me too much to leave me in my anger. The anger of man does not bring about God's righteousness - in spite of my protests that my anger, surely, is righteous enough and tempered enough to make people change! Anger can bully some people into outward compliance, but it doesn't reach into the heart for real change. Anger can be used by God to wake up a sleeping person, but it is God's kindness that leads us to repent.

Someday, I would like to experience true "holy anger" but I'm afraid that it will not be satisfying, but just confirm to me that the anger in my life is too much about me and my kingdom and my will ...

Lord, teach me ... change me. For your name's sake

God's loudest statement ...

I have a friend who recently encouraged me to think about the cross whenever I get feelings of anxiety, depression, despair, or sadness. This friend has been to seminary and knows that I have an interest in theology, so he's not just giving me a religious platitude, but something much more. I can easily get my eyes off of what God has done, is doing, and will do in my life and focus in a very narrow way on a particular situation that is not going the way I expect. Or, on other occasions, that I condemn myself for "not living up to my potential."

We have talked before and we have discussed many important, precious truths - but there is something much deeper going on in me. I remember another friend who said that "simplicity on this side of complexity is not worth very much, but simplicity on the other side of complexity is worth anything to get to it." I think this is one of those truths. It wouldn't have helped much to say this to me before - it would have come across as simplistic and of less value. But as I have pursued the answers to my questions and generated more questions, this truth became more precious.

The Cross is God's statement that he loves me. For the pure and holy God, creator of the universe, to do anything with me other than blast me with his holy, just, and deserved wrath is an act of mercy and grace that is incalculable. But for Him to send His Son to live a perfect life and die in my place so that I may be part of His family and live forever in his presence - well, that's beyond words ... But I am so blind and self-absorbed that I do not see this Great Event as God's loudest statement that he loves me and that He will do whatever it takes to have a relationship with me! God must break into my blindness as he did with those who came to Him, he must overcome my self-centeredness with His love - there is no other hope for me. And yet, he does!

The Cross is what makes all other suffering worth it to get to the One who loves me. The Cross is my only hope for forgiveness and relationship. The Cross is my only hope for change.

The Cross is also the loudest statement to me that I must give up demanding my rights, give up the "right" to be treated fairly, and not just expect mistreatment and misunderstanding, but embrace it. Not "must" because if I don't I'll be kicked out of the family, but "must" because I am compelled by love because of love.

If Jesus allowed himself to be nailed on the cross for me, to be spit at, scorned, mocked, beaten, bruised, rejected by both man and His Father. If He who died for us will not withhold any good thing but give us all heavenly blessings, I must die to myself. My pride, my strength, my "wisdom," my self-sufficiency.

How do you possibly respond to God's loudest statement of love, but to fall on our face in worship, love Him with all our heart, and get up and go as he bids - knowing that your place in His family is secured for all eternity? Just how does one respond to this?

The beauty is you can't, and to try to pay him back tarnishes the gift. All we can do is praise and follow ...

Sunny Days ...

Sunny days have become so meaningful for me. I live in the lower northeast of the United States and have for all my life. When I was young, I loved the snow (we seemed to get more back then) and I loved wrestling, which competes in the winter. But as I grow older, I find myself not so much hating winter as I do crave sunlight. The dark and dreary days spent mostly indoors definitely have an impact on me. There is nothing quite lick the crack of a baseball bat or the pop of a ball in a mitt to signal that baseball, sun, and new life is just around the corner. The first few mild days with bright sun, I find whatever excuse I can to get out in the sunlight for at least a good half an hour. There is nothing quite like the feeling of sunlight on your face or on your back after a long winter. Except for the love of Christ.

The sun has become a very powerful symbol to me lately of God's love for me in Christ. I could not imagine living without the sun. That's one of the descriptions of hell that is truly terrifying to me - to live forevermore in darkness with no hope of escape or relief. The sun is God's daily and seasonal reminder to me that I cannot live without His love. If it were not for Christ, I could see myself easily worshipping the sun. My heart, as every heart does, searches for something to worship - whether it's pleasure, power, prestige, popularity, or self - and we fill that gap with something, even if its unconscious on our part. What you worship shapes your life. But the sun is so much of a blessing in my life that if I did not know the One who created it, I would settle for worshipping it. I would exchange worship of the creator for worship of the created. And my life might seem good for a while, maybe years, but in the end, it would be empty.

But the sun is now a daily reminder to me of God's Love. He who sent His Son to die for me and freely gives me all things according with being his adopted son - He is the one who placed the sun in the sky. As great as the sun is, as beautiful as it is, is not the giver of the gift even greater?

And that is probably the best thing about the sun - it reminds me about Him. The sun is life-giving just as the Son is. The sun is blazing in its glory, its light reaching to brighten dark corners of the globe as He brightens and exposes the dark corners of my life. The sun is not "safe," but it's good and necessary for life. Christ is not "safe" for those who reject Him, and there is no life without Him. Someday, I will see Him face to face, and that Great City will have no need for the sun or the moon, for the Lord shall be its light! Now that is something that is truly amazing, exciting,and awe-inspiring ... and what I think about whenever I rejoice in the light of the spring or summer sun ...

Prayer ... do people ask you?

I have been thinking off the top of my head here in the last few minutes about prayer. The topic of prayer can be so confusing for so many people - does prayer change God's mind or mine? Is it a way to get our will accomplished or conform our will to his? Is it essentially just access to a "Spiritual vending machine" giving us what we want with no input into our lives?

And prayer lists? I know it's probably a fault of my own, but I just don't get excited when the majority of the concerns are for Aunt Tilly's foot or Neighbor Jim's cat or Co-Worker Bob's dying mother. It's not that I am emotionally cold and don't see the great pain in other's lives - it's just that I have no connection with them. I can join in with you in prayer for them because I care about you and because I care about humanity in general - but I feel essentially empty if that's all the prayer we do ...

It's probably me ... I know that praying for concerns is biblical, and I know that there is no such thing as a big thing or small thing to God. Yet, what I long for is prayers that flow like the Psalms - not because we've memorized them, but because we have learned to pour our hearts out to God and to each other. I'm not into show, or style without substance, or great fury signifying nothing. But an authentic heart that knows Christ deeply - that's what I want. There are so few who model this - maybe looking to others is a completely wrong approach. I want my heart to beat with more intensity than any two-bit trashy novel or Steven King horror story or deep love story could ever do. It's not the emotional experience I want - it's something much deeper - but I'm not into mysticism.

The only thing I can possibly think of in this world which has the echo of what I'm looking for is my wife's eyes. To look into her eyes, a decade after marriage and two kids, is to see someone who knows me for my deepest faults and struggles and yet loves me far more than I could imagine. It's the kind of love that doesn't just shame me, but blows me to billions of bits - because I'm not in the picture at all. This, this is the kind of love that my heart runs on, the kind of love that fuels me when times crush - yet, I know there is something more. Something beyond this great love I have for my wife - something truly supernatural in all the right sense. And that - that love of God that compels my heart to seek Him - the love that enabled the writer to say "Though he slay me, yet will I praise Him!" - is what I long for. That is the echo I want to hear in prayer. That is the fuel I want for my fire. I'm tired of being guilted into attendance at prayer - please, someone, live prayer like this ...

Consider this ... the Disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray. Think of the implications - the recognition that "what they always did" or "what they were taught" was just not enough. Jesus modeled prayer to them in such a way that they thirsted after what He had. Now there's a model and goal for your prayer meeting! Saturate yourself with psalms and other prayers until people start asking you to teach them to pray ... who knows, God might even show up!

Whom do we follow?

Obviously, as Christians, we follow Christ, and Christ uniquely. No other master should ever come before him, and no other person get our allegiance but Him. Though the government is ordained by God, and we are to submit to it in most cases - if it comes down to our allegiance to Christ, "we must obey God rather than man." But the same is true of our "spiritual leaders" - only more so. No pastor should ever have our blind allegiance or loyalty. No mere human being is worthy of such respect. We all have our struggles, our faults, and our areas of rebellion. We shouldn't seek out perfect earthly leaders, nor is salvation found in them. Yet, there seems to be wisdom issues rarely applied to such decisions.

Humans love to put our own standards of judgment out there and subject everyone to them. There is no shortage of people who have lost our respect because they do things differently than we would, or because their style annoys us. Even in important matters such as Theology, we will divide over the minutia and disputed things in a heartbeat. We want to be the pure ones - the self-justified, the self-righteous.

Yet, we are not left without a guide. Someone who is close to Christ, perhaps worthy of being looked up to, is someone with character traits rarely extolled in this culture. Look at their love, joy, and peace. Are they patient, kind, good, faithfulness, and gentle? Do they have self-control? I'm not talking about perfection, but do these things characterize them, and are they growing still in these ways?

Love. Such an abused word. Such an overused word that one wishes for a definition to know what we're talking about. No, this isn't the warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you're near someone attractive. It's not the general feeling of well-wishing on fellow human beings alone. Love is patient and kind. It doesn't envy, boast, or keep a long list of past wrongs. It is not proud, rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered. It doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth! It always looks out for the other, always trusts, always hopes and always sticks with you. Love does not fail.

None of us live up to this standard fully. Yet, when we look for people to lead us, to teach us - someone to admire - we should look at these characteristics. They are so different from the world's view of who 'leaders' are. Notice, there is no mention of power or charisma - yet someone who is like this will be far more influential in leading people than even a dictator who threatens to take their lives if they don't follow him. They may not be the best orator - but then, men will seek anyone who can tickle their ear. Jonathan Edwards, considered by some as the greatest mind America has ever produced, was by some accounts a rather dry speaker. Yet he influenced countless people in his own generation and in the two centuries that have since followed. Notice too, there is no division between public and private life - for he who is faithful in small things is faithful in the big ones, too. How many politicians beg you to look only at the "big things" they have done (and are doing)? However, you don't have to dig around their past so much - look for these qualities today, and even if there is something in the past, it is in the past and not in the present. But you have to look for these qualities in reality - they're too important to let someone con you. A leader like that - now that's someone I could get excited about following - even if they differed with me on some issues ...

Phillies

I have been a life-long fan of Phillies baseball. The 1980 team obviously holds a special place in my heart, above slightly the 1983 and 1993 teams. The '93 team could have and should have won that series - but pitching always seems to get us. I am excited about the current generation of Phillies, but am disappointed the front office doesn't make more of a move for pitching - top-of-the-line pitching, that is. Johan Santana would be pretty nice in a Phillies uniform, yet that was never a real possibility...

suspicion ...

I don't have a lot of time right now, but I wanted to "comment" a little about suspicion ... specifically suspicious people.

First, let me say that I do not speak as an outsider to the human race, someone who thinks he has it all together, but as someone who struggles with the same things as everyone else. I know I am blind to many of my own shortcomings, and worst of all, that I am blind to my own blindness.

I am very suspicious of suspicious people. It is my own experience that leads me to look at my own life and conclude that often, the areas I am suspicious towards others in are the very areas where I have struggled myself. Something about us makes the assumption that others are "just like me" - and yet, I really do believe that there is nothing we do that others don't do themselves. Some people assume the worst about others - they assume the rumors are true, or that past admitted behavior is worse than was admitted, or that supposed past behavior really continues into the present - just concealed better. So called "good behavior" is never really that good - someone must have an ulterior motive. I am very careful dealing with people like that because they don't seem to understand human nature - their own nature - and they assume the worst - which reflects on them.

I am convinced that if more people took Paul's description of love more seriously in Corinthians, we would have a better world (of course, it's not that easy, and yet it is). If we are to love others as we want to be loved, if we are to love our enemies, if we are to love our brothers, then we must take seriously what the Bible says about love - from the Author who is Love. Love is not only patient and kind - it keeps no record of wrongs. While you deal with someone in wisdom for their good, we are not to hold grudges or never let anyone become incapable of changing our view of them. The past does not absolutely determine the future. Your past has no bearing on whether you can be loved by God, and it has no bearing on whether or not he can change you.

Love not only keeps no record of wrongs - it believes the best. That's not a call to be naive - we are to be wise as serpents but as gentle as doves - but a call to not harbor a suspicious spirit, not to be a "pessimist" about others - to not live without hope and expectation of change. Someone who lives with a suspicious person can never do enough to satisfy them, never do enough to make up for the past - someone who is bound up in the prison of another's making.

Now, I believe fully in the doctrine of total depravity - that there is no aspect of human nature unaffected by our disobedience to God. There is nothing that given the right circumstances and the permissive will of God that you and I are not capable of. It is only by God's mercy and grace that we are not as bad as we could be. I don't often like simple sayings, but sometimes, they're true truth. And I have learned that "there but for the grace of God, go I." No one likes to hear that - so we set up "us" against "them."

People who are suspicious of everyone wear me out. They take the joy out of serving. I grow more suspicious of people the more suspicion they exhibit. Of course, this is an example of my own self-righteous heart, and in this, I condemn myself. There is no hope for you or I, apart from the Only One who can help us - and it is only out of His love for us that we have such hope. Someday, though, those of us who have accepted that we are hopeless without Him, helpless without His help, and clinging to nothing to make us right with Him but Him, will be the ones who will be like Him - not because we're better or more deserving or smarter or more pure, but because we're His. And that is the only thing that makes life bearable ...

My grandfather ...

My grandfather died 8 years ago today, almost to the moment. It almost passed by without a conscious thought - until the date on this blog reminded me that it is April 1st. I guess that's a good thing - it's one of the first times it hasn't loomed over my day. I am his namesake, and he and I spent many weeks together, often in the summer in his garage. He was an auto mechanic as his "hobby" - his job for the last decades of his working life was as an electrician for Griffin Pipe. He did not have an easy life - not that too many people in his generation did - but I rarely heard him complain about anything. He did not finish high school, but he was a very intelligent man who loved to read and learn. He knew my wife, a doctor, for the last decade of his life, and on at least one occasion, said that he would have liked to have been a doctor. He called my wife (whose name is Liz) Lil' for some reason - we never asked why. He was a very strong man and though he had open heart surgery in 1983, he still was stronger and faster than I was for the next 4 or 5 years - probably until I was in college, wrestling and working out at a much higher level. I have his large, strong hands and I remember looking at his while we were in the hospital as he lay on his death bed. I knew I would miss those hands, hands that were playful yet could be rock solid when they needed to be. I was very thankful that as I matched up my hand with his for the last time, that my hand was virtually identical in size and shape and structure. Of course, mine were not weathered with 85 years as his were. I remember his scar on his hand where the fan from one of the cars he worked on flew out of the engine and sliced deeply into the back of that pad of skin we have between our thumb and forefinger. His hands were not calloused somehow, yet they withstood working on all those machines all those years. His nails became brittle, and he often used clear nail polish to try to add strength to them, otherwise they would split down to the base. We always joked with him that his body was well preserved from the amount of gasoline he took in as he started siphons by sucking on the tube in a gas tank - not something I'd recommend for any mere human!

I remember one time, I was angry with my parents for not letting me drive down to see my friend in southern NJ - I was 20 or 21 at the time. I went anyway, but it was a really hot summer day and I did not check the radiator fluid in the car. Needless to say, the engine overheated on the Garden State Parkway and cracked the engine head. Of course, I couldn't call home - so I called him. Without saying a word, without ever asking me what was going on, without ever berating me for such a choice, he came and picked me up, had the car towed to his garage, where we spent the next week taking the engine apart and fixing it. I enjoyed times like these with him, but I was never into cars the way he was. None of his 6 grandchildren were. I spent many hours out there with him, but I would have spent them with him whether he was fixing a car or mopping the floor. The task wasn't the key. Consequently, I soaked in little of his knowledge of cars - even though I loved science and physics and engineering. I think that was a disappointment to him, but he never lamented it out loud.

Another time, when I was teaching in Baltimore, my car stopped working. I forget why - maybe the fuel pump went. But he and my dad drove down from NJ to fix it on a Saturday in the school's parking lot where I taught. He was just that type of person - he wouldn't say much - he'd just be there when you needed him.

When my high school wrestling career was over and didn't end the way I planned, he took me out for dinner. He didn't often do that with anyone - just go out to eat with them and no one else. But he took me out to "Ponderosa" - one of his favorite places. Again, he never said much and I don't know what exactly spurred him on to do that, but it was something I won't forget. Neither of us knew that I would wrestle again in college, and perhaps this was a way of celebrating (or consoling) the closure of that part of life. Or perhaps he just wanted to cheer me up.

The week before he died, he knew something was wrong. He was popping nitroglycerin pills like candy, but he would not go to the doctor. Later, we found out that he had a doctor visit in the past year, after which he wouldn't even let his wife go with him. He was probably told that his heart was failing and that the very small vessels of his body were blocked and only given so many months to live. He never told any of us, but looking back, he was busy getting all his affairs in order - we found all his bills and papers easily and secured in appropriate piles in his office. I think he wanted to die at home - the house he and my grandmother lived in for 60+ years, the house he and my great uncle built in the 30's in the aftermath of the depression. He hand dug the well in his back yard, with my grandmother hoisting the buckets of mud up from the bottom, dumping it and lowering it back down to him. But my grandmother called me that week and said he refused to go to the doctors - and she knew he wasn't well. I urged him on the phone to go to the doctor to get help and pleaded with him to go until he gave in. He left his house later that day, never to return. The doctors did what they could, but there was little that they could easily do - and he didn't want extraordinary measures used. I remember thinking that this could be prolonged and so my wife, my mom and I got a hotel room to try to get a good rest in that night. My dad was on a business trip to Europe at the time, but he was summoned home. Unfortunately, the next morning, we were called and asked to get to the hospital right away. We got there, but within a couple of hours, he died. My dad arrived at the hospital about an hour after he died, but everyone else had made it. I had not lost someone this close in 20 years - since my other grandfather died - and I was sure that my heart couldn't take it (I have a defect in my valve). I fully expected to have some sort of issue when he died. I had passed out years earlier at my ex-best friend's funeral in 9th grade, and I just expected the worst. He was the first person I ever saw die, but he went very peacefully. The last act he did was hold up the "V for victory" sign - something I wonder about.

My grandfather was not what I would call a religious man, and he did not go to church. The church my grandmother attended for years could come across as quite judgmental, and he could not deal with the blatant hypocrisy. I remember trying to talk to him about faith in Christ, but it was a very scary conversation for me at the time. I was a relatively new Christian, and I did not want to hear that he rejected Christ because of the experiences he had. One day we talked a little about faith in Christ, and he talked of an earlier time when he was baptized and professed faith (after his death, we found a number of very old booklets talking of putting your faith in Christ and it seemed to indicate that he had read them and taken it to heart). While he was not perfect, he was an honest man, a hard-working man, a man who found joy in the simple pleasures of life. He seemed to have a trust in God's sovereignty - though he wouldn't use those terms - and he did not worry about tomorrow. He learned to play the organ in his 60's and he would often play tunes from the faith, which makes me wonder if the gospel truths weren't more precious to him than we realized. It is interesting that songs tend to be the way many, many people actually learn about Christ - through the lyrics and the repetition. I don't know about the faithfulness of that church to the gospel, but I have hope that despite the chasm that developed between him and that church for many years, that he put his trust and faith in Christ alone for salvation. The more I grow in the faith, the more I look back and wonder if he did not exhibit the fruit of the Spirit in so many small ways. I would be angrier at that church if not for the grace God has shown me that I, too, am a hypocrite (as are you), and that God's grace is greater than all our sin - though he calls his children to a lifestyle of change and growth. Christ is my only hope - and he is the only hope for my grandfather and anyone who wants to spend eternity with God in heaven. Someday, I'll see him again - and he won't be an old man hobbled by a broken body. And it will be glory and joy if on that day, we can go together and worship the Lord of glory for the first time in His presence, with the joy of never leaving it again ...

Random thoughts

This is my first entry into the blog. I have no idea where this will take me, and I don't know how often I'll be able to post. Even if no one else reads this, I find it helpful to put thoughts down and maybe, just maybe, someone else will be interested in commenting.

I am a follower of Christ who is also a husband, a father, a son, a grandson, a brother, a friend, a church Elder, a computer programmer, a baseball fan, a teacher, someone who enjoys doing math problems for fun, a wrestler, and a host of other things ...