Despero

This is a drawing I did of Despero, the character in a movie I saw with my children over Christmas while in Tennessee.

Escher's Eye

This is a picture I drew over Christmas while in Tennessee. I used MC Escher's "eye" as the model.

Review - Death By Love (Mark Driscoll)

The twelve chapters of this book are unique, hard-hitting application of 12 theological truths of Christ's identity and what he accomplished on our behalf, written as letters to members of his congregation. Mark pulls no punches, both in describing sin's ugliness and God's gracious and radical solution in Christ.

I resonate with this book, I think, mostly because it is not sterile. It does not clean up stories, sugar coat the diagnosis or walk the politically correct church line. Therefore, I believe it will actually help many people. It rings of truth in situations to me the way God's Word does - not the sanitized biographies we read in today's Christian culture. God didn't hide the warts and ugliness of life in general or of his saints in particular - including the ones we hold up as heroes of the faith. We do a great disservice to everyone when we sanitize life.

On the other hand, I'm sure if every book was written in this style, we would quickly become desensitized to it - as we do with TV, movies and other parts of our culture. This book serves an important place in my library and it is one of my favorite books, but it is not for everyone. It should be, in my opinion - but not everyone is ready for it. It is a must-read for mature Christians and those who give simplistic answers to life's tough questions. The fact that it does so well what it does while "teaching" theology warms my heart and makes me wonder if there really is hope after all for the American church.

Review - Death By Love (Mark Driscoll)

Table of Contents:

Introduction: "We killed God:Jesus is Our Substitutionary Atonement

Ch 1: "Demons Are Tormenting Me" - Jesus is Katie's Christus Victor
Ch 2: "Lust Is My God" - Jesus is Thomas' Redemption
Ch 3: "My Wife Slept with My Friend" - Jesus is Luke's New Covenant Sacrifice
Ch 4: "I Am a 'Good' Christian" - Jesus is David's Gift Righteousness
Ch 5: "I Molested a Child" - Jesus is John's Justification
Ch 6: "My Dad Used to Beat Me" - Jesus is Bill's Propitiation
Ch 7: "He Raped Me" - Jesus is Mary's Expiation
Ch 8: "My Daddy Is a Pastor" - Jesus is Gideon's Unlimited Limited Atonement
Ch 9: "I Am Going to Hell" - Jesus is Hank's Ransom
Ch 10: "My Wife Has a Brain Tumor" - Jesus is Caleb's Christus Exemplar
Ch 11: "I Hate My Brother" - Jesus is Kurt's Reconciliation
Ch 12: "I Want to Know God" - Jesus is Susan's Revelation

Phillies Win!!!

The Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series!!!

I find myself wondering if I am dreaming. For most of my life, the Phillies have been a losing team, but I have stuck with them. The 1980 season, of course, has been the most vivid good memory of them all ... until now. The team of Rose, Trillo, Bowa, Schmidt, McBride, Maddox, Luzinski, Boone, Carlton and McGraw has been the team aainst which to measure all other teams. When you only have one World Series Champion, it is not hard to agree among fans which is the best ... but now, we have 2. Two - not 26 or whatever it is for the Yankees. Not uniquely one, either, though.

Now I have the team of Howard, Utley, Rollins, Feliz, Burrell, Victorino, Werth, Ruiz, Hamels and Lidge to compete with my '80 team. Which is better? Do you have to pick one over the other? Is there enough room in a fan's heart for both? What happens if they win another? These are new things for Philadelphia fans to ponder ... I've never seen the Eagles win it all, nor the Flyers, and I saw the Sixers win in '83. Singular teams have been the norm for my fandom. What now?

If only someone had warned me how complex life was going to get ... ;)

Game 4 Win

Well, we were at Game 4 of the 2008 World Series last night between the Tampa Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies. It was fantastic! We got there hours before the gates opened - I think we may have been technically the first ones in line - at least, the first ones at the outfield gates. It was a beautiful fall day and the Eagles game provided some entertainment for a while - there was a projection screen set up along Citizens Bank ballpark, along with the many news agency vans and souvenir stands. My dad and uncle sat at the gates of the park and talked baseball with other fans as they slowly collected.

Inside the park, the workers were getting ready to hand out the "rally towels" to all fans - something so simple, and yet they unify people in a small but real way. When they finally opened the gates, they opened every other gate - of course, ours wasn't one of them. So although we lined up first, we weren't the first ones in. You would have thought the people we shared conversation with through the gate could have told us our gate wasn't going to open, but they didn't.

Walking inside our park was different - the air was different somehow. It was World Series air. My dad ran off to Bull's Barbecue for his standard fare. I decided to get in line at Tony Luke's since the line was relatively short (I think I only waited 10 minutes to place my order). That cheese steak was a World Series cheese steak - and boy did it taste good!

We scouted out our seats in left field, below the big scoreboard. They were actually quite good if you don't mind being away from home plate and not seeing the big board graphics. We were able to see, perhaps for the last time, Pat Burrell in a Phillies uniform. His stock seems to have risen in Philadelphia, although perhaps not enough to justify bringing him back.

Across Ashburn Alley from us was the Baseball tonight setup - we could see John Kruk and Karl Ravitsch with Steve Phillps and Peter Gammons. After the game, they would broadcast baseball tonight. As the fans were leaving, they would chant Kruk's name and although he was working on some kind of a report, he would raise both his arms in acknowledgement to the crowd and the fans would cheer. The pictures I took came out a little blurry, but I got a good one of Kruk's back ... :)

The stadium began to fill and as I walked around to see where my aunt and uncle got to stand with their standing room only tickets, I ran into my friend who works for a local newspaper. I didn't realize he was also a big Phillies fan, though I should have ... So, there were 4 other people I know at the game besides me - 4 out of about 42,000 or .01% ... My aunt and uncle's spot was great - just slightly off center from home plate (towards the third base side) at the metal "troughs" behind the first section of seats. They got fantastic "seats" much cheaper than those around them if they got theirs off stub hub. Home plate section seats were going quite high, if I recall - $1500 and more. Anyway, my uncle said this game was one of the highlights of his life.

I believe that was the most people I have ever been with simultaneously. Back in 1990, I was at a conference with 20,000 people, but the attendance this night was 42,000. Now perhaps I was at a game at the Vet (seating capacity I believe 60,000+) with more people, but I don't remember it - and there certainly wasn't the emotion of a world series game then. I've never been to a Penn State game, or any of the other mega-stadiums. So I believe this was the loudest game I've ever been to, if not the largest crowd. As I stood there in the outfield and let the sheer volume of the cheers come in like waves from the ocean (I couldn't tell you if there was one single Ray fan there that night), what came to my mind? Heaven. Or, more precisely, praising God with all the other saints of all time. Standing before God and having my heart so engulfed by his majesty that praise pours out of me like it never has before ... and standing with billions of other Christians as they do the same. "Awesome" does not even begin to describe this experience. That small Phillies game was just a foretaste of the divine glory that will be revealed. What attracts us to these events, these things "bigger than life?" Is it not the faint echo of something truer, something far more satisfying that has been lost as we live apart from God in this sin-cursed world where death is chained to these bodies?

The Phillies crushed the Rays 10-4. Even the pitcher hit a home run!

God has crushed and will continue to crush his enemies - the World, the flesh, the Devil, sin and death. This victory will be worthy of all praise above any praise we have ever uttered or imagined ...

Going to game 4 of the World Series ...

Can you believe it? We have tickets for game 4 of the World Series! I am going with my dad, and my aunt and uncle are also going. This is something I never thought would come to pass. The Phillies are playing the Tampa Rays. We purchased the tickets before the previous round of the playoffs were completed, since the price was refundable if they didn't advance ...



I have dreamt about going to a World Series Game for years - and a potential clinching one for the Phillies seemed like just a wish. But here we are - those Rays spoiled the potential clincher by winning one game. It would have been nice ... but then again, it would have been nuts at a clinching game. I'll just have to watch it from home Monday night ...

We are going very early for this game ... it's 7 pm tonight and we're leaving now ... the Eagles are also playing today at home, and apparently there is a concert tonight featuring "The Who" - so parking and traffic could get interesting!

Sins that so easily beset us...

I have a particular set of sins that ebbs and flows in my experience. No, I'm not going to tell you what they are - but it involves my desires and the actions that flow from them (not a helpful description - isn't that what all sin is?). There are times when I seem to be more vulnerable and times where I can brush off temptation like so much lint off a jacket. These are things, like all sins, that are common to us all. It is so defeating to succumb yet again. It never lives up to the promise, and guilt always follows. Some people might brush this aside as inconsequential, but I cannot. I don't want this in my life anymore, and I hate when I become so foolish to think it will deliver on its promise this time.

Someday I know I will be free of these desires - for when I see Him, I will be like Him. So I know that God will get the victory over this in my life - eventually. I know that he might gain this victory even on this side of heaven. But the struggle is so hard and so relentless, it does seem at times like there is no hope. But there is. Someday there will be no more sin, no more suffering, no more death and decay! Oh what a day that will be!

I know that God is also absolutely sovereign, and therefore he arranges the events of my life so that they are for my best and his glory! He is not the author of sin and He does not tempt anyone, but he allows us to go through the suffering of resisting sin, of feeling its sting, of slow victories for reasons not yet fully revealed. Someday, I will see the top side of the tapestry, when all the "loose threads" and crossed patterns make sense - and He will get the praise.

I do not yet see sin for he horrible reality it is, and I do not see Christ for the all-surpassing, all-satisfying, glorious God He is! Sometimes I think that if I only saw Him as he is, my desire for sin would fade away. There is truth to that, and it would help if those I listen to would verbally exalt Him as He truly is - but I have begun to see that this is not the total answer. Men love darkness. I loved darkness. I still do. Not to the degree I once did - and not when I am controlled by the Spirit. I seem to be a mixture of my old self and new. I don't know if that is theologically accurate, but it is the way it feels. So while I went through a period of thinking I just needed better teachers to give me a more accurate view of the exalted Christ, there is still a problem within me. I still believe the lies.

Lord, forgive me of my lack of clarity. You are owed clear thinking and whole-hearted devotion, and I fall so short. I have been too harsh with others, thinking their "problems" could be fixed by "just" getting a better picture of you. There is no hope for the human heart but you. There is no hope but your plan, your sovereign work in my heart. Forgive me for trite advice, telling others that they "just" needed to pray, to study their Bible, to get an accountability partner, or to get a better picture of Christ. All these things do help, and they are not bad, but they are not the answer - you are. You are the one who changes people - not some technique. You are the one who reaches into a life and accomplishes what you will. You call us to strive with all your energy, to work out our salvation with trembling and fear - for it is you at work in us.

These sins are so stubborn. Your grace is sufficient. Sufficient to forgive my sins, to keep me longing to be better, and some day, in your timing, to make me like Him in this area too. I want it to be so Lord. Yesterday. Forgive me for my impatience. May you have all the glory in this area of my life - and all areas!

A Game 1 win ...

Can I invest more emotion in the Phillies? Can I pull for them to win it all yet? Or am I stuck, like most Philly fans, being so cautious of the pain of losing that I have to be pessimistic for protection? They won game 1 of the NLCS against the Dodgers. Many experts are picking them to win the NL pennant. They're winning and Howard and Utley have not woken up yet. They're getting good pitching and have a "perfect" closer. But ... But ... But will they implode? Will the Dodgers ride Manny's back to the World Series? Or will Rollins and Howard and Utley do what they are capable of and carry the Phillies to meet the AL? And will they be able to handle Boston's experience or Tampa Bay's ignorance of pressure?

I know that sports is in the wrong place in many lives. My love of the Phillies cannot compete with my love for God. But what is the proper way for a follower of Christ to enjoy the gifts he has given (and baseball is a gift)? We all love some hobby or activity - and I think God meant it to be that way. We aren't supposed to let these things get out of proportion. Whether it is hunting, bowling, reading, opera, sports, TV, fitness, our jobs, or even our family, they should never become more important to us even in a moment than God is.

My love for the Phillies does go back a long way - the 1970's. OK, I know some of you have been through the 30's, 40's, 50's and so on. But I don't remember a time when the Phillies were not my team - and for me, that might as well be 1000 years. It seems like a long time.

The last time the Phillies were in the World Series, I was in Baltimore teaching. Unfortunately, I don't remember putting too much time in watching them then - it seemed that my job took up all my energy. So although I liked the '93 team, the '80-'83 team is the one I most identify with. So this has been a long time for me. Yes, I know I'm talking like the World Series is already a definite - I guess I'm invested.

My question is, since it happens so infrequently, do I pay the exorbitant price to get a playoff ticket from StubHub? Or do I let this opportunity go, hoping they make it more than once every 15 years? In the last 15, I've lost a lot of family members - most of them Phillie fans. What does one do?

My first playoff game ...

The first playoff game I ever attended was great! Oh, the weather was lousy - raining - and it probably would have been cancelled if this was a regular season game. We were in the upper deck in the left field foul section - though in the first row. It wasn't the furthest you could get from the field, but just about ...

There were some ominous clouds moving towards the game, and the Philadelphia skyline disappeared for an hour or so due to the hard rains. However, the clouds took a path close to the stadium - but not into it. We heard thunder and had a steady drizzle - but the game went on.

It was in many ways everything I thought it would be. The view from your TV at home is obviously better than those seats, but you can't reproduce the roar of the crowd, the smells, and the experience of having your entire field of view immersed in the park. Everyone was handed a cheap white towel with a Phillies logo - not a terribly creative "rally device." I would love to have the sticks that Anaheim passes out - I understand they make some real noise when 40,000 people beat them together. However, the towels were visually effective and kept the crowd in the game.

At certain moments, the ballpark was the loudest environment I have ever been in. Granted, it was not a game full of highly-emotional moments, but there were some. It made me think what it will be like when we are in some heavenly "stadium" with the billions of saints throughout time praising the Lord with all their emotion, mind, and strength. Now that will be something! To have the Lord of Glory revealed before us all and to finally be free of sin and death to be able to do what we were made for unhindered - praising him! Now that will top even the Phillies winning the World Series :)

NL East Champion Phillies

The Phillies are National League champions again. I have to give Pat Gillick credit - I was concerned he had lost his touch. Although, once again, we must give a special, warm-hearted thank you to the New York Mets! I don't know what happens in September to them - I thought October was the month to turn into a pumpkin - but I am happy to see the Phillies step in. There is a small part of me that actually feels a bit sorry for their fans - but only a bit. The Mets and Giants (FB) "ruined" my senior year in high school, and the Giants did it again my senior year in college. The Mets are just about my least favorite team - I'd even rather see the Yankees win than them. But, as much as I like David Wright, I'm happy to see him pack his bags for the winter. Maybe he'll get lucky this winter and get traded somewhere else ... somewhere better like Seattle ...



I am going to the playoff game on Wednesday - it's the first post-season game of any type I have gone to.

How do you help someone?

How do you help someone who won't let you in? Who won't even talk to you? I have a friend in the middle of an adulterous affair. He's lost his job and has isolated himself from people that care for him. His children are angry, and his wife has been betrayed. How do you speak into situations such as these?



I know that we cannot counsel someone who does not want counsel. We can't help someone who refuses help ... or can we? Can we not help an unwilling friend in spite of themselves? It is clear we can't have the direct ministry in their life that would be most helpful, but can't we do something? I think we can.



We can pray. This is not a trite saying or a synonym for "we're confused" or "we don't know what to do." We can take our friend and the situation to God's very Throne. We can plead with God to act for His Name's sake in mercy and grace to this person. We can confidently know that God knows all things, and that he takes these things and weaves them into his master tapestry. We bring no new information to God, nor do we stir an unwilling King. We do not need to beg from our Father, yet he values and uses our prayers sovereignly to bring about His will. Sometimes we do need to be diligent in praying for a long time for situations. Praying is not a waste of time - but neither is it a show. It is not useless because we do not know God's secret will, but neither do we bend God to our will. It is not a matter of the right words, but of the right heart. God will graciously grant our requests as they line up with his will. Prayer is the means that he uses to bring about his will - if I do not pray, someone else will and they will get the blessing of being used by God to bring about his will. Just as Paul says "How will they hear if no one speaks?" The one who speaks the Word does not accomplish God's will, but is used as a conduit through which God accomplishes his will. If we don't want to be involved, God will raise up others who will - just as Jesus said the very rocks would cry out if the crowd was silent. God will get the praise he has ordained - whether he uses me or a rock. But it's better for me if He uses me ...


And so, we can pray for my friend.

What else can we do?



We can let all those involved know that we are open to them, waiting to hear from them. We can let them know that we can't go along with their choice, but are willing to love them enough to be straight with them.



We can choose to let go of the pride and anger in our own heart that wants to condemn and wants to be angry for what their sin has cost us - but truthfully, where am I really on the list of offended people? We can address the issues of our own heart so that we do not sin by judging, condemning, becoming self-righteous, or worrying that our plans or reputations are ruined (incidentally, that might be another good blog - on the damage Christians do to each other in the name of "keeping a good testimony"). It is not about us.

My children ...

A friend sent me an email recently asking for wisdom in building a relationship with his young daughter while ministry burderns pull him away. Here are my thoughts ...

It's hard for me to believe that my daughter is 7 (8 in November) and entering 2nd grade tomorrow. The time does fly by - she is no longer the toddler waiting for me to play with her. She is capable of playing by herself, and she has lots of friends now. In 10 years, she'll be entering her senior year in high school. Only 10 years! That's yesterday! 1998 - The year the Yankees won 114 games or whatever it was and beat the Padres in the World Series. The year I graduated with my Master's degree. The year I started at (an ill-advised stint with a not-so-ethical company). When I blink next, she'll be gone, out of the house.

It's thoughts like these that send a chill up my spine. All these things I think are so important today - will they have the same value then as I look back? My grandmother had a stroke last year, and though she has recovered OK for someone now 92, we will never paint together again. How many times did I put off painting with her to do some church related activity? More than I want to count. How many meetings did I let become a priority in my life that just were not of any real importance? Too many.

People mean well, but most activities and meetings are just not worth the time they take from families.We're going to celebrate my son's third birthday in a couple of weeks. These are the last weeks I'll ever have him as a two-year old. If we have no more kids, it will be the last time I will have a two-year old, period. What is more important than playing cars with my son? Not much. And yet how many times do I pass it up for "more important things..."

Now, of course, I don't want to let my family become an idol in my life. If God calls you to sacrifice, you do it, though it hurts. But I wonder how many Christians allow others to burden them where God does not, or to guilt others into "duty?" I'm convinced that God calls far fewer people to sacrifice their kids on the altar of ministry than we think. God has told us that if you want to look whether a man is qualified for ministry, look at his home. Are his children believers? Do they respect him or resent him? Is his wife respectful and supportive of the choices he makes? If a man can't manage his own household, does it matter what else he does?What pain is waiting there for the man who helps others see Christ but has his own children reject Him because they associate Him with our poor choices?What comfort will there be for the man who works hard to see the children of others saved, but loses his own kids?

God needs no one - least of all me. If we allow ourselves to think we are crucial to his mission, we will make choices that may lead to long-term heartache. We serve as he calls. But he calls us first to serve our families - an incomprehensible gift that is not to be squandered. We are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. And your children are the only people who see you as you truly are - day in and day out. They are our first ministry ... God made the family to be the foundation of society. We cannot neglect it and yet go on thinking that everything will work out in the end because we are "sacrificing" to serve God. What if God doesn't want to be served with that "cost?"

Your email is much appreciated and thought-provoking. I will pray for you - and for all fathers who must make similar choices ...


P.S. Don't believe the "quantity/quality line" - "I can't spend much quantity of time with them, so I'll make sure it's quality time." With kids especially, quality time is quantity time. Relationships don't work well scheduled and limited - or, at least they aren't as intimate as family relationships should be ... Before you listen to anyone's advice - including mine - on balancing ministry/family, check out their family. Is it one you think is worthy to resemble? Don't just go with the surface conclusions like the Israelites did with Saul - look at their hearts. If you don't see Godly hearts leading to godly actions, don't copy their methods ...

Issues with my hands ...

Lately, I have had some issues with my hands. They are often asleep and my wrists are often painful at any angle other than straight. It is a chore to write or even type with them right now, and sleeping can be rough - I generally sleep on my stomach because I have both central and obstructive sleep apnea. Two weeks ago, I tried playing racquetball and my hands were numb almost immediately, and I had very little strength in them. My mom has carpal-tunnel syndrome, so perhaps there is a genetic component to the structure of my wrists. As with many Americans, I could also stand to lose some weight, which would help. Even right now, I have to stop after every sentence and shake my hands out to get the feeling back.

Sometimes it feels wrong to even include this in the category of suffering, since it is relatively minor and is probably somewhat self-inflicted. And yet, it is suffering. I can't write like I want to or type or sleep, but become a "slave" to avoiding pain (and damage) to my wrists and hands.

Yet, even this is within God's sovereign plan for my life - a plan to take me where He wants me to be. Perhaps there is an element of discipline to it, but I have a hard time sometimes acknowledging "discipline" and avoiding the self-loathing perfectionistic spiral that seems to come with it for me. I can't figure out exactly what God is doing in my life, and that's not my job anyway. My job is to listen to what I should do next and to lean on His grace to get me there. I need grace and mercy, for sure. A little "healing" would be nice, too - but I trust the Potter's Hand even as he cuts away the scrap clay to mold me into what he wants mew to be. It's not fun, but where else is there to be? I'd rather be in the hands of my loving Father who is doing his work in me for ultimate good than to be pain free away from him ...

God's beaches ...

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go to the beach for the first time this year. There is something about the beach that escapes my ability to describe it - but let me try. First, of course, there are all the childhood memories of being at the beach with extended family. The sunburns, the great food, playing games, staying up until 5 AM playing video games with my cousins, building sandcastles, sand-cars, and digging deep holes. Finding sand crabs and fishing off the piers. Watching the adults eat dozens of crabs. And, of course, the occasional squabble. Mostly fond memories. That's probably a lot of it - but not all.

I loved the hot sand leading up to the cool, crashing waves. Feeling conflicting thoughts of wanting to go "way out" in the waves and being terrified of sharks. Thinking that every sharp shell or rock was a crab waiting to bite a toe. Jumping up on the face of a wave, reaching the top and having the wave move out from under you so that your whole body is out of the water was the goal for us. We spent hours in the ocean.

Now, I love the way the air smells, the warmth of the sun that somehow is just stronger than the sun we have at home. The way my body feels baking in the sun as the water evaporates, leaving a thin layer of salt over my sunscreen-coated body. I love finding shells. Yesterday, we found one of the best shells I have ever seen recovered from the shore. Mostly, we just find bivalve shells, and rarely intact at that. But this was one of those colorful spiral shells that I only ever found at the shops along the beach. It is a perfect specimen (or at least perfect enough that I won't look for defects and ruin the thought).

But again, I find myself praising Him. When I was a child, these things were good as pleasures unto themselves. But now, they are seen as gifts from a creator who loves his creation and loves us. These things are wonders that speak to his glory, his creativity, his love. The sun very much speaks to his character - life-giving and positively enjoyable to bask in, but come before Him in just your own skin and you will experience burning pain. None of us can stand before the Holy One without the covering of Christ - but from within that covering, we can enjoy the glorious energy that comes from Him.

It's interesting that life has become much more enjoyable lately. There is a depth and a richness to things I was just not aware of previously. Busy-ness - even "religious" busy-ness - really can cause you to miss the forest for the trees ...

Lord, your beaches are truly awe-inspiring. The continuously renewing artwork that is the surf and sky highlights your infinite power, creativity, and care of detail. The warmth of the sun is more satisfying than all the trinkets I have in my house. You let your sun shine and the beaches glow on your enemies as well as your family ... the creatures who live under your care (and under our noses) show your handiwork ... there is no one like You ...

What do you do when someone hurts you?

What do you do when someone hurts you? Not just anyone, but someone close. Not just someone close, but your best friend. Not just hurts you, but strikes you at your core.

I had an experience like that recently. Someone said something to me to struck me down, took my breath away. If you've ever seen the movie "First Knight" with Sean Connery, the scene where Arthur's "dream" dies - that's how I felt and what came to mind for me. It was as if my inspiration was taken away. My dream died. And I was angry.

Now, I simmered for a number of days, not sure what to do, where to go, what to say. But, because of what God has been doing in my life, I was not able to solely camp on the thing done to me. Many things came to mind. First, perhaps God allowed this to take place because I had allowed this relationship to become part of my identity - perhaps to displace or compete with God on His throne in my life. God is my identity alone. Everything else is a blessing from Him, but it's not Him.

Second, I realized that I too have said something similar to this person in the past. Not exactly the same, and it was many years ago, but I suppose it was no less hurtful. And it certainly was no less culpable.

Third, nothing in my life is as good as I thought it was. This is a good realization. Nothing in my life satisfies or lives up to the promises it makes to me. Not baseball, not wrestling, not even theology itself. Nothing except Christ. Christ far outshines the things in my life that I thought were so good. I was content with fool's gold and quartz crystals and "shiny metal trinkets" until I saw true beauty. I was, to borrow a phrase, content with making mud pies in the gutter when a holiday at the sea had been offered. None of the things I thought would satisfy me ever live up to the "billing" they receive in my head.

Only Christ is worthy of worship. Only Christ is worthy of being "on a pedestal" in my life. Only Christ is capable of never letting me down. Only Christ has died for me and lives to make me His own ...

So when someone hurt me, I did not minimize the pain. Instead I remembered my past and what I had done and how Christ forgives me. Things are put in their proper place in my life - if even for only just a moment. I choose to forgive them - which means I relinquish all rights to bring it up again or make them pay for what they did. I thank God for showing me once again that only He truly satisfies. I can enjoy my friend again in Christ - not because they give me what I "need" - but because what I need has been taken care of by Christ.

Theme Parks ...

I have had the opportunity to go to two major theme parks this summer and will be at another one in a month. We also live fairly close to a "second-level" theme park and may go there as well. We've been on the East Coast and the West Coast. In the "somewhat north" and the "somewhat south."

As I reflect on these parks, they really do give experiences that you can get no where else. I don't particularly like riding spinning rides - even the merry-go-rounds make me dizzy - and though I like going fast, I dislike the drops and twists and loops of many roller coasters. I love water rides, though I fear that I will gain more speed than the engineer calculated and go hurtling over the side and become a newspaper headline ... in short, I'm rather boring when it comes to rides - but that's not to say the parks don't try to entice me...

But as I was going on a ride, I began to wonder why it is that we like this adrenaline rush so. Sure, in the moment, your whole body feels "alive" as every nerve screams with some sort of sensation. Is that, though, what we've become? A society that raises nerve impulses to the level of worship? Have we become so calloused to the everyday joys and sorrows of life that we need these "super-experiences" to reach us?

I like going fast. I like feeling the wind on my face, the scenery whizzing by, and the heightened awareness that comes with it. But I can easily fall asleep on a plane traveling 400 miles an hour. So, it's not the raw speed that gets me. Is it the wind? I don't think so. I could probably sit in front of a fan, especially on a hot day, blowing at me at 60 miles an hour and have some fun for a few minutes. So, is it the danger that thrills me? Or the thought of feeling like I'm in control of something powerful?

I don't know. But I know I like theme parks and certain rides. Maybe because they provide unusual experiences. Maybe because they provide a common experience of fun with my fellow humans. Maybe because it tingles those nerve endings. But something still feels wrong.

How empty would life be if that's all we had. No, these experiences are not even the icing on the cake - maybe they're the wax or plastic decorations that adorn certain themes. The real experiences of life - sharing your life with another person, understanding who you truly are and your place in this universe, and ultimately knowing the One True and Living God - these are the things that make life bearable and enjoyable. And these are the things that make eternity conceivable as an everlasting state of happiness. Can you imagine riding Sidewinder for all time? Or "It's a small World?" Or any other ride? Or even every ride known to mankind? Now that would be hell. So what does that make this little small piece we experience now?

Engineer or Poet

Sometimes I feel like there is a rift in the world in general, in me, and in the christian world along the lines of engineers (i.e. science) and poets (i.e. artists). I know others have spoken of similar rifts, so it's not new territory, and the world is not so black and white that we all easily fit into one camp or another. We're not polarized people. In Braveheart, I think the line is used to describe the men who died as "warrior-poets," which may be another way to see a similar grouping. In any case, I know I feel tension between my "thinking" side and my "feeling" side. I'm not sure it has to be that way, but it seems that it just is. It's somewhat like the jock-nerd descriptions used in high school. I was too "nerdy" for many of the jocks, and too "jocky" for many of the nerds - and so I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Both of the labels were used to keep the other at bay, and it is just another way that we try to make sense of our world - and justify our dislike of those who are different.

But lately, I feel like I have noticed a similar thing in theology. Now, I could be completely wrong in the generalization I'm about to say, but it seems accurate right here and right now. From my experience with dispensational and covenant theology, it seems as if those who tend to be "engineers" like the dispensational system, and those who tend to be "poets" like the covenantal system. The engineers try to make things as "concrete" as possible, as "unbiased" as possible, and as "straightforward" as possible. Sounds good - especially to that part of our culture that virtually worships science. The poets try to look at themes, as figurative language, as beauty within the form itself. This also sounds good to some. At times, the "engineers" give a very "flat" understanding of texts, while at others, the "poets" seem to wipe away all meaning for the sake of form. Without wanting to be pejorative, it seems like the engineers can be awfully close to the Pharisees camp, while the poets camp out near the Sadducees. I'm not sure which is better. It seems that Jesus was tough on both ...

There are truths to be learned from analyzing the world through scientific eyes, through breaking down into parts and classifying. There are truths to be learned through poetic eyes - through looking for grand themes, using colorful language, and through looking at things not-so-ordinarily. But if the Bible is God's Word, it seems that both of these approaches could lead us to wrong understanding at times. There are certainly parts of the Bible where "it means exactly what the plain, ordinary, non-contextual language says." But it seems that there are other parts which are figurative ways to communicate deep truths. The truth is still real and there, but one must "work at it" to find it.

I don't know. I do feel confused at times. I am appalled at how quickly each side will cast the other in the worst light possible. Could it be that we have not progressed enough to arrive at a system that truly reflects all biblical truths?

"Good Works ..."

I have put together some thoughts concerning “good works.” To me, this was a confusing part of what it means to be a Christian for many years. Perhaps these will help some who may have similar struggles. Now, I’m not a fan of ripping verses away from their context, so let me urge you to take the time to consider scripture for yourself.

I think to start, you have to remember both the “comfort” and the “call” of the gospel. The “comfort” is the basis for everything because without it, you will stand self-condemned (and really condemned) if you try to stand before God on the basis of what you do (or don’t do). We can stand before God with no fear of His Holy wrath only because of what Christ has done for us. There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus! When you “mess up” – and you will – you are not rejected, scorned or subjected to wrath. You are loved as a child, a beloved child, whose Father wants only the best for them. He has done what is necessary to restore the relationship with you. The penalty is paid.

Yet, because you are his child, and because he loves you, you will not be left where you are. God will take you where he has promised – he who has begun the good work in you will be faithful to complete it in you. Discipline – in contrast to punishment – is part of this loving process. God does not “repay His children” according to what they have done. Christ bore our punishment, and we are given credit for his righteousness. He disciplines us, not to make up for the wrong we did, but to conform us more to the likeness of Christ. And, as his children, we will begin to resemble him. The call of the gospel is the call to a life, a journey, a race … that is different than what “everyone else” goes through. God works in us to bring about these changes through his spirit. Paul tells us that we are in a race, and that like athletes, we run with a purpose. We are told that Paul struggles with “all His energy” to present people spotless. There is a struggle, and it does take effort. But we are not left to our own resources. We are to work out our salvation with fear and trembling – for it is God who works with us! This is not a matter of running to be saved. We are saved, and then entered in the race.

I have a friend who used one of my past experiences to explain this. My high school wrestling coach was tough. He was harsh. He was talented. If he thought you had talent to go far, he would work with you for hours on end. But if you were just so-so – and especially if you didn’t put the 110% effort in he wanted, he had no time for you. My junior year, we were ranked 12th in the state. Now, there were 12 varsity positions, 12 JV positions, and 12 freshman positions available. I believe we had about 16 kids out – total. We had a ridiculously small team (compared to our ranking) because you were either really good – and one of his favorites – or he would ride you until you quit. My friend put it this way: To be on Mr. Jones’ (not his real name) team, you already have to be good. To be on God’s team, you just have to “participate” – He will make you good. That hit home for me. This is not about living up to some standard in order to be let on God’s team. God knows you’re not good enough. But like all great coaches, he will invest in you to make you become not just the best you can be – for that depends on you – but will pour himself in you so that you can become far more than your abilities, background, and efforts will produce. You will become not merely a “good sinner” but instead will partake of the divine nature in a way that we do not fully understand (not that we become God) – for “when we see Him, we will be like Him.” So, having said all that, here we go.

God is concerned with the inner reality of you, not just your performance. He values humility, brokenness, and neediness. He cares about you – you are not just a cog in a machine. He knows you by name – he even numbers the hairs on your head. This life is not our home, and not the final chapter of our story. Our good works will cause others to praise Him, not us. Our life before God does not just consist of “not doing bad things,” but dealing with the motives, desires, and thoughts that are behind them. Our life does not just consist of “doing good things,” either, for the motives, desires, and thoughts behind them are also laid bare before our God. It is not enough to “look good on the outside” – for Jesus called the Pharisees (the most religious people around) “whitewashed tombs full of dead men’s bones.”
We are not made right with God by our works. No work of ours can ever be pure enough to withstand the judging gaze of a Holy God. But, like Abraham, if we believe God – if we take Him at His word – Christ’s righteousness is given to us and our punishment is taken by Him so that there is no more fear before our loving Father. Our gifts from God are not wages of an obedient servant, but are pure manifestations of his grace to us. We deserve nothing good from Him, yet He lavishes His grace and love on us. We have all heavenly blessings in Him.

Our religious service to God is empty if we do not seek to restore our relationships. When we do our “religious” service (i.e. give to the needy, pray, fast, etc.), do not do it to be seen before men – do it quietly, even secretly, so that only God knows it. Test your motives and consider why you do what you do.

Do not pray mindlessly or try to manipulate God through many words – recognize that He is our Father, who knows what we need before we ask of Him, and that he desires our best, even when we do not recognize what that is. Prayer is not a ritual to be checked off on our list of spiritual duties, but is, in fact, part of our communication with our Father who loves us and has done everything needed to restore and have a relationship with us. Seek him, ask him for your heart’s desire, but recognize you are not trying to persuade an unwilling, uncaring, absent, or mean Father – but one that loves you far too much to give you trinkets when there is everlasting joy to be had. You may even find that over time, your heart begins to resemble his, and therefore your prayers will reflect his loving will in your life – and perhaps he won’t have to lovingly say “no” so often …

Do not think more highly of yourself than you ought, and do not become proud. Don’t allow yourself to be convinced that your “good works” give you any standing before God – it is Christ, and Christ alone who provides the covering for you to stand before a Holy God and not be wiped away.
Doing “good” to others is not to be considered opposing “religious duty” – if your donkey falls in a pit, lift him out – and if you can relieve the suffering of another, do so – even if it means you get your church clothes dirty. Though the poor will always be with us, and one person or family cannot put right all wrongs, don’t let that stop you from getting involved. Relieve suffering, help those in need – become an answer to someone’s prayer. Give joyfully – rejoice that the Lord has entrusted some of his riches to you so that you might experience the joy of helping another. Let your gifts show the overflowing of God’s love being super-abundantly poured into your heart – expecting nothing in return. And rejoice when you are scorned for it.

Don’t take God’s patience with you for granted. It does not last forever, although he is long suffering. Make sure that you are right with Him, that you know Him, and that He knows you. We no longer serve our flesh, but serve God in the Spirit. Take your life seriously.

Consider the life you have before you. No one knows if you have one day or 50 years left. But it can be poured out for God like a drink offering. Don’t just go with the flow. Consider the choices you can make starting now. Store up for yourself treasures in heaven. Use your material blessing, as the shrewd manager, to “gain” eternal thankfulness from those who will be your brother and sister forever. Make sure that your family, your neighbors, and your place of influence would miss you if you died tomorrow. Let your impact be one that will cause them to praise God at the Last Day when all is revealed – even if they never praised God before.

Let us be people who are not tossed about by our circumstances. Let us not complain, argue, mutter, nurse our anger and hurts, or allow things to fester. Let us be people of integrity, living a life worthy of the calling we have received. Let us be more concerned with the filthy or salty water that flows from the spring of our own hearts than with correcting others. Let us speak humbly, gently, and truthfully to others when we do speak, waiting to listen more than speak.

Let us give thanks constantly to God, becoming ever more aware of his constant provision for us. Let us turn our hearts from the things that so easily ensnare us and allow our hearts to be captured by the Glory of the Lord. Let us endure with much patience and joy – knowing that our Father sees everything and will one day right all wrongs on that Great and Dreadful Day. Rejoice that He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into His family – into the Kingdom of light. Rejoice that your sins are forgiven!

Don’t become impressed with human regulations that seek to regulate mere external behavior (i.e. don’t touch! Don’t taste!). Recognize that such rules do not get at the heart of the matter – our hearts. Avoidance of situations, while wise when we are weak, is not the same as defeating them in battle through the strength of God. Recognize that nothing outside of ourselves defiles us, and we do not protect the hearts of our loved ones by sheer removal of temptation. Monasteries were not the answer to the human problem of sin, for no matter how isolated they were, there was always at least one sinful heart in any situation! The problem is not external to us, but internal. To be sure, external things can influence us – but the real problem is always within our own hearts.

Consider that Paul told Timothy to teach others that godliness is not a matter of externals - though sometimes they can be an expression of what is going on internally (i.e. braided hair and pearls in their culture) - but of matters of the heart and the actions that flow from it. Good works include things like caring for your own family, caring for your parents and grandparents, bringing up children, showing hospitality, helping those in trouble, and so forth. These are not the “big things” we sometimes associate with serving God – but are the little things in daily life that are an expression of true faith. He says to avoid the evil desires of youth, avoid foolish and stupid arguments, avoid quarrels, and pursue instead righteousness, faith, love, peace, kindness, gentleness, and cleanse yourself from the “clay” of this world.

Paul tells Titus that godliness involves self-control, being worthy of respect, sound in faith, in love and in endurance. We should not be slanderers or drunkards, but reverent in the way we live. We are called to love our spouses and children, to be pure, to be kind, and subject to authorities (i.e. not rebellious). As God’s children, we should have integrity, be serious and not flippant, and have our speech be sound. To be hard-working (yet not workaholics), peaceable and considerate. To slander no one and show true humility, not being divisive. We are not to be idle – and if someone will not work, let him also not eat.

James concentrates on the tongue being a sign of our “religion.” Our tongue issues forth from our hearts – whatever is in our heart will eventually flow from the tongue – no one can fully “tame” the tongue. He also points to looking after orphans and widows – the most helpless in society – as part of our service to God. As is keeping oneself from being polluted by the world. We are to do “our deeds” in the humility that comes from wisdom. Don’t boast about your sin, nor deny the truth of it. Watch out for envy and selfish ambition, for their you find disorder and every evil practice. Characteristics of “heavenly wisdom” is that it is pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

The last verses I picked out were from Peter, where he urges us to live as aliens and strangers in the world – abstaining from sinful desires, and living in such a way that the pagans will glorify God because of your good deeds. That is a good reminder that it’s not so that we have a relationship with God, but our good works are to His Glory for taking creatures such as we are and changing us into the likeness of His Son!

Before you read through the verses themselves, let me say that I’m sure there are verses I did not include that could have been, but I hope I have been faithful to the flavor of scripture. In many ways, the list of things God calls us to is far simpler than we sometimes think or hear. You really can sum it all up with “loving God” and “loving others” – as long as you have a biblical picture of love. A little more specifically – don’t play the religion game, God is concerned with your internal life before Him, and how that plays out into your external life with others. Looking even closer – helping family members (parents, grandparents), orphans, widows, people in need, raising children, and those in need around us pleases the Lord. Avoiding conflict not by denying its existence, but by addressing the issues in our own hearts before the Lord pleases Him. To grow in resemblance of Him pleases Him. The list could go on, but I think it is significant to look at the fact that these things are not “climbing the highest mountain” for God, or vowing to never speak again in reverence to God, but are truly the everyday things of life. Very few, if any, of these things require any training whatsoever to understand. They are accessible to the lowliest peasant to the highest king. And yet, they are truly impossible to change on our own. They are so simple – but they go to our core. And, we know our core is rotten. It is only as God renews our hearts, resuscitates us, and revitalizes us that we begin to have a new core. And, as God deals with us in our core, it is reborn and grows in likeness to Him. These simple things are the really tough battles of life because we are there constantly. My fear, my agenda, my anger, my desire to be in control, and my pride are always with me. And that is why the battle is so hard and so long. Praise God that He does it in us - for there is no hope in ourselves. God’s desires for us are wonderfully simple. We need not be scholars or strong men or “super” in any area to understand what he calls us to. But we must forsake of any merit, any deserving, before God based on our efforts.

Loving God. Loving others. So simple – yet horrifyingly difficult if we were left to ourselves. God first loved us, and that is why we can run this race in his power …

How do you know when a dream dies?

There are things going on in my life at the moment that make me wonder if I have put too much hope in certain things coming to pass. It's a bit like when I woke up one day and realized I would never be a major league baseball player. It may be the only dream I have held as far back as I can remember. I remember all those hours from fourth grade on that I spent watching games. The 1980 season is, of course, the highlight for any Phillie fan who was alive to see it. Schmidt, Carlton, Rose, Boone, Trillo, Bowa, Maddox, McBride, Luzinski, McGraw - those names are frozen in my mind as to "who should be playing." I loved Kruk and the 1993 Phillies, and the current Phillies are gaining my "trust" - in spite of the lack of starting pitching. There was a time in my life where I at, slept, and drank baseball during the spring, summer, and fall.

I played little league baseball, but I was not great. Due to a congenital defect and an early operation, I have limited depth perception - so I had a disadvantage batting before I ever started. My build was more conducive to football and wrestling as well. Because of my eyes, I could not play outfield well, either. Through the years, I played second base, third base, and catcher. I played JV baseball one year, and had the opportunity to pitch, but that was a disaster - my ERA was 162.00! But I loved baseball. My dream, as many boys my age was to play for the Phillies.

I remember the shock when the first person younger than me appeared on a baseball card. It was a realization that I would not be drafted and have a long career in the majors. But there was still a young man's hope that somehow, someday I would "be discovered" and shoot to the majors in a flash. Over the years, the hope dimmed but still flickered. Once the majority of players on the Phillies roster was older than I was, though, the dream fell on hard times. Then I had to look hard to find anyone younger than I ... and the dream died.

But really, what was my dream about? Sure, I love baseball - I hope there is baseball in heaven, though I'm not sure how a glorified pitcher and a glorified batter face each other ... but was my dream about fame? fortune? pleasure? Maybe all these and more? I don't really know. I do feel at times jealous of the skill the players have - wondering what it would be like to be able to get the winning hit or the game-saving play. But I have other gifts that perhaps many of them wish they had. And my family is currently healthy, whole, and blessed. Why is it that my heart undervalues what I have for what I think I want that others have? Why do I still chase after the dream? Why isn't my heart in tune with the Lord? He made me and knows my gifts and shortcomings, my desires and dislikes, and the things I invest in and the things I let slip. He is guiding my life to take me exactly where he wants me to go - where I need to go - to be the person I need to be.

My dream should not be about the temporary and fleeting career of a ballplayer. My dream should not be about money or fortune or even the joy of playing baseball. These things are incidental to what I was created to do. I was created to enjoy God, to bask in His radiance, to use the gifts and abilities He has given me for His Glory, for His Kingdom, and for others. Even if no one knows my nae outside of my little circle of family or friends, that's OK - the King of the universe knows my name and is taking me to be with Him. Forever. And that's a dream - a reality - worth investing in...

Lowering the standard for legalists

Once again, my perfectionistic mindset has wreaked havoc on my day. How can I possibly have God's favor when I keep committing the same sins over and over? There are times when I feel so strong, and other when I feel so weak. I've read enough from other people to realize that I probably have it backwards - when I feel strong, I'm probably most vulnerable. It just seems that I trip so easily on things when I feel weak. I guess it's really not right to say I feel weak. I don't feel anything in particular - except the desire I want to fulfill. It's only afterwards that the shame comes. But I trust the Lord when he says that when we ask forgiveness, he is faithful and true for His name's sake. And I marvel again ...

But I was thinking about my long history of perfectionism and legalism and wondered why it has such a strong hold on me. I don't think I am alone on this. In fact, being a rather black-or-white person, I tend to see myself as either living right or failing. And, in an absolute sense, that's true. But the gospel allows me to live a bit more in the gray - I have been forgiven, justified, and set upon a course of steady growth (of God's doing) called sanctification. I am not, praise God, what I once was. And I am not yet what I will be one day. I am somewhere in the gray zone between those two points. But for a long time, I oscillated between legalism (my "preferred" option) and saying it just doesn't matter how one lives - it's all by grace. Neither option was satisfying, but I saw no other option.

As my world regains "shades of gray" (not talking situational ethics, but rather transformation from the dark of night to day), I am on the lookout for things to help me with such struggles. One resource I found today is at http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/AskPastorJohn/ByTopic/51/2916_Should_we_teach_that_good_works_come_with_saving_faith/

Here, Dr. Piper speaks of how many of us hear the gospel and hear that good works are an "inevitable" product of true faith, and conclude that it really is all about works after all.

I would add perhaps to it by saying that there are many of us, including some preachers, who deal with the same dilemma I found myself - am I "doing good" and therefore OK with God, or have I messed up again, throwing everything into question - including whether I am truly one of God's. Sometimes, I believe, we talk and think and act like God made it possible through Jesus to accept a "lower standard" of good works to make us right with Him. Now, we don't worry about the impossible things like complete purity of thought, motive, and deed - instead we institute new standards of our own making ... avoiding things like smoking, dancing, and playing cards, or doing things like attending every church function whenever the doors are open, ritual prayers, dressing a certain way, speaking in Christianese, and checking off our duties as we give, sing, and sit.

We are legalistic, just as much as those who claim to live up to the demands of the law. We're just "smart" legalists who recognize the futility of that and make up instead our own lists. But maybe we're worse off, for we "can" actually reach our made-up standards. What would it take to wake us up then?

Trust Jesus?

I was recently listening to someone speak who urged the listening audience to "Trust Jesus. Just Trust Him. Trust Him and He won't let you down." Now, all of that is true. People should trust Jesus and He will not let you down, but this was done in an evangelistic, or at least a potentially mixed audience, setting. I hate to say this, but it dawned on me that we have become slightly like used car salesman, politicians, and ad agencies.

Now, I don't want to be offensive. Consider, though, what it sounds like to someone who either doesn't know Jesus or has a negative impression of Him. You aren't explaining who He is, what He has done, why He is trustworthy, or even why we should care about trusting Him in the first place. You're trying to sell an unknown "product" to a world that doesn't know they need Him. It's one thing to do this in a Christianized society - though I wonder if we were really as thoroughly Christianized as some histories say - but it's another to do this when the average person has no experience learning about Jesus.

There is nothing magical about the words "trust" and "Jesus" - they may mean different things to different people, anyway. The words only communicate when people know what you mean by them. Now, I'm not getting postmodern - those words have real meanings, and they are not so malleable that they mean anything you want them to - but we need to have more than a missile oriented approach.

People need to know who Jesus is and why He came. If they don't see their need, Jesus is at best, a secondary life issue - and perhaps no better than other religious leaders. If they understand who God is and who they are, their need will, or at least should, become the most pressing issue in their life. If they understand their dire situation before a Holy God, only then will they see Jesus as the solution and treasure of their life.

Trust Jesus? Absolutely. But tell them what you mean by that. It's not a 10-second conversation, though, and you must genuinely care about the person in front of you ...

Capital letters ...

I just wanted to note here that I normally use capital letters for pronouns referring to any person of the Trinity. I do this somewhat out of respect, I guess (though I do not think God is disrespected by using lower case letters - they are only a language convention), but more so that it is clear when a pronoun refers to God. I have found some sentences from other works to be very confusing because there are so many "he"s and too many possible objects to refer to.

I'm not entirely consistent with it, but I try to be. And I just thought I'd let you know ...

Motivate by fear, guilt, or love?

As I was driving, I was thinking about some of the sermons I have heard recently that impacted me. Lately, I have been drawn to those that speak most directly of Christ (as opposed to mere moralism with a call to accept Christ tacked on) - elaborating on his Glory, expounding on his love for sinners, and explaining what he has done for us. It has become such an astounding source of comfort and motivation that I have come to dislike teaching that centers only on fear or guilt. This may be a phase in my growth as a Christian, I don't know, but it feels like a great shift to me.

I was a performance-oriented person - actually, I still am, but to a lesser degree - who felt the crushing weight of the law, of being sinful before a Holy God. There was certainly an element of fear in my first coming to Christ. Fear of what was waiting for me if I stood naked before a Holy God. There was also guilt - guilt over things I had done that could never really be put right, and guilt over things I should have done but didn't.

These things - fear and guilt - did motivate me. At first, to try to be better, and then to despair of my efforts. They were condemning and crushing. But then, at some of my lowest points came the realization of the truth that I did in fact believe Christ is who He said he was, and that I had no other hope but Him. But then, astonishingly, I found that he was not interested in a slave, but a son! He did not want to condemn me for my past, but bore the condemnation for it himself! There really was no more condemnation for those in Christ! To learn and to see how filthy I was, and yet how much greater His love - from what world does such love come from? Certainly not this one ...

Christ's love is so much more motivating than even the Holy Fear and Holy Guilt I felt. Fear and guilt were good for driving me to the cross, and they were somewhat effective in keeping me from great sin. But, they did little to motivate me to act sacrificially and they didn't help with those little pesky sins that dog us all. I would even go so far as to say that fear and guilt can make us conform, but only love empowers us to suffer for another. To choose to suffer unjustly for the sake of another is truly Christ-like, and utterly beyond the normal nature of man. To suffer unjustly for a long time, without complaining or boasting? That would be truly other-worldly.

Now, I don't want to suffer. I especially don't want to suffer in the way of watching loved ones suffer. I don't want to ever have anything catastrophic happen to my kids. Or my wife. God is sovereign, and he does sometimes call his people to suffer that way, and, in that, I fear. I know intellectually that His will is always best, and that nothing better could happen than his plan. But I shudder at the thoughts I have like this ...

If God should call me to suffer like this - and I pray wholeheartedly that He does not - the only thing that will get me through this is His love. It won't be fear of Him, as irreverent as that sounds, and it won't be guilt - like knowing I shouldn't feel such things. Those motivations would fall to the ground, I suspect, like a broken piece of costume jewelry - fancy-looking, but relatively worthless. It is only His love that could sustain me through such a time.

And if it is only love that could get me through such a time, it is only love that can truly motivate on an every-day basis. It is only understanding His Glory and His Joy from with His love that can sustain me day to day. I think that's why Christian fads appear. We all know we need something to sustain us. Some believe it's excitement. Some novelty. Some discipline. And some just resign themselves that life must go from extreme highs to extreme lows. But I wonder ... what if people were given a steady diet of the Glory of God and His love for them? The denial of ourselves, and the complete embracing of Him. What if ...

1 John 3:1a

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

Today I was with a group of people discussing this section of scripture. I encouraged them to slow down and consider each phrase, even every word, in this section. We often speed right by such precious words without a second thought.

To think that God lavishes his love on us - how many of us would use that word to describe how we think God acts towards us? I know that I would not have naturally chosen such a word - not that I thought that God was stingy with his love, but perhaps it is best captured by being "appropriate" in His love. I could see perhaps how God could love us the way we all love those distant relatives who are obnoxious and self-centered, yet still part of the family. Or perhaps that God would love us, but not want to "spoil" us or go overboard in his public display of affection. But instead, John tells us that God lavishes his love on us - he pours it out overflowing, uninhibited, and unashamed. Someone brought up the illustration they read about the frosting on a cake - most of us would put a moderate amount, maybe more than is absolutely necessary to cover the surface, but still a "reasonable" amount. But to "lavish" icing is to take multiple containers and just put it on as thick as you can, with no regard to cost, "normal cakes," or the mess it makes. To think that we are like the cake sitting there with God pouring out his love upon us is truly beyond explanation. None of us deserve it, and none of us can reciprocate it.

For God to do such a thing for me - a great sinner, blind to my own need, dead in ability to desire God, and deserving only of punishment - well, who can reject such love? Especially when your rejection of it does not lessen it. Instead, God loves you so much as to change you from the inside, to change your desires, to change who you are so that you do see, dimly perhaps, but seeing Him nonetheless as desirable.

What does this great love do for us? Nothing less than change our identity. No longer are we Americans or Germans, or Ethiopians, or computer programmers, or teachers, or sinners, or thieves, or liars - no, instead we are "children of God!" This is not the abused phrase that people sometimes use in reference to humanity in general, but of something far more personal. We now become adopted into God's family! He becomes our identity, our defining point. No longer are we those other things we use to designate ourselves - we are children of God, co-heirs with Christ, one day to be made like Him when we see Him. Everything else becomes something secondary - I am no longer an American, but a "little Christ" who happens to live in America. I am no longer a liar, but a "Christian" who sometimes stumbles into lying. I am no longer a teacher, but a Child of God skillfully disguised as one who teaches. I am His.

Who am I to be called a child of God? No one. Less than no one - I should be called an enemy of God. But God has lavished his love upon me and so I am now His child. Nothing can change that. And my dad isn't finished with me, but knows the plans he has for me. One day, though, I'll be like Him.

Time slips by ...

Wow, it's been almost two weeks since I last posted. I knew I did not post last week, as I was in California for a wedding ... Life continues to dissipate as a vapor ...

How do we mark time i such a way that we are more conscious of its passing? The sun rises and sets on one day so fast - how can we make ourselves realize the preciousness of these days without becoming obsessed or depressed with their passing? How do we number our days?

I am approaching middle age ... well, perhaps I am middle age, but close enough to its beginning that I can deny it a bit in my mind ... or maybe I'm still considered youth by others ... I don't know.

I do not know the day of my death, but I know who does. It could be today, tomorrow or 50 years from now. Worrying about it can not extend my life by a single minute, though I want to live long ... If I live to be 75, I will have lived 27,375 days - over half of which have already passed. 27 thousand days seems like a lot -enough in fact, to waste a few with little consequence. Yet 27 thousand dollars is not a ton of money today, and 27 thousand fans at a baseball game is not near capacity for most major league stadiums. 27 thousand grains of sand is probably much less than a bucketful, and 27 thousand seconds is 7.6 hours. Twenty-seven thousand days is not much time - especially when compared to eternity. In fact, compared to eternity, 27 thousand is less than the equivalent of one grain of sand to all the beaches in all the world. But during that grain of time, relationships are made, character is developed, and a destiny is reaped.

So, though two weeks slipped by like bathwater down a drain, important things happened. I went to California and interacted with family at a wedding, worshipped the Lord at a Church in Los Angeles, read books, enjoyed some attractions, and invested my time in my immediate family. I did not make the time to post, though much happened that caused me to reflect. The Lord is good to bring things in my life that cause me to see where my allegiances lie in "the moments" of life. There were times of joy, times of satisfaction, times when the opinions of others were to influential, and times when my desires ruled.

How much I need a savior to save me from myself - and to enlarge my life beyond the boundaries of "me!" My life is not bound to those 27,375 days (or whatever it actually turns out to be), but instead bound to the eternal God and Father through Christ, who gives meaning far beyond these years on earth. I am not what I do, I am not what I don't do - I am defined by my relationship to God. I am a "little Christ" by His grace - a fellow partaker of His nature, an adopted son, a member of His family. Time slips by - but I am in His hand ...

Why it is good to see the depth of our sin ...

The questions we ponder are vital because they represent where "the rubber meets the road" in our life. Good theology is essential, but unless you begin to process it and reflect on it, it adds little value to your life. I have been "chewing the cud" on the uglyness of my sin and the glory of our Savior and wanted to say a couple of things, primarily from my experience and the path God has brought me on thus far. So, here goes ....

It is good to focus on our sin

• because we think more highly of ourselves than we ought
• because we don't understand the depth of our need of Christ
• because we tend to reduce our concept of sin to things we personally don't struggle with but see other do
• because we tend to trivialize sin to just the big, obvious sins of adultery, murder (abortion), or violence
• because we tend as a larger community to make up our own standards of sin - smoking, drinking, dancing, length of hair, wearing anything but a suit to church, having our kids in public school, no facial hair, not hunting animals, or failing to "do church" the way we prefer - that have little or nothing to do with the life God to which calls his people
• because we often become complacent in our "goodness" and slip into self-righteousness, looking down upon others
• because we need to know how hard the struggle against sin really is if we are going to help another person grow in Christ to overcome their tenacious sin
• it tends to kill pride

It is good, when we see the depth of our sin, to focus on Christ

• because we see our utterly helpless condition and His great love for us
• because we see that this is not just actions that can be blindly reconditioned, but goes to the very core of our being in what we treasure, long for, desire, and believe
• because He is our only hope
• because we must despair of our ability to stand before God as a "basically good person" and throw ourselves completely on the grace of Christ freely offered
• because we must see ourselves as unprofitable servants of the Most High, dependent on Him for the smallest ability to help another
• because sins, whether "respectable" or "despicable" still deserve the wrath of God for eternity
• because we must learn to love one another through our sins, deferring to one another, putting aside preferences, and considering others more than we consider ourselves
• because we dare not reduce the gospel to mere respectable behavior, but know the depth and Glory of it so that our exuberance for it is not contrived, but flows out of a truly grateful heart
• because God calls us to wage war on sin, and we do not have the strength for the battle in ourselves - but Christ does, and He lives in us
• because humility, being poor in spirit, being crushed, being contrite, being repentant, and being meek are traits that God values in people he aids

When we see that sin is so wretched and dark, and we see that it is in us, we long for the light freely given. When we understand the truth about ourselves, and then understand what God has done for us, there is no other response that is appropriate but love, gratefulness, humility, thankfulness, joy, peace, and awe. We will want to be patient with others as we understand how the Lord is patient with us. We will want to be kind because he has been kind. We will want to be gentle because he has been gentle with us. We will grow in self-control as the Spirit grows us to see what He has done on our behalf.

In short, it seems that to fail to note the depth of our sin and our struggle with it - and the depth of Christ's love and His victory over sin and death and His provision for the struggle - leaves us with a stunted capability of love for the Lord. In Luke 7, we see Jesus being anointed by a "sinful woman." The parable he tells points to the fact that those who have a greater debt cancelled, love the person who forgave the debt more. It's not so much that the "sinful woman"s sins were so much worse than the pharisees or ours, but that she knew how sinful she was. The Pharisees thought they were basically good people, not in desperate need of help - so they loved Jesus little. This woman knew she had no hope but Christ's mercy, so when he freely forgave her, her response was one of deep, unashamed love. And that seems like such a great place to be that it is worth struggling with the depth of our sin and the filthiness of our "righteousness" before God.

It is not just looking into the deep, dark stench of a well that our sin is, but that from within the well, we see the gloriousness of the rescue of our souls by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The darker the darkness, the more stunning the light is in comparison.

Speaking Truth in Love

This is a thought I return to frequently ... in a way, it has become my favorite self-correcting phrase ...

Speaking truth in love. I have heard others speak on this concept, and I have pondered it many times. It helps me center myself when dealing with a difficult person and when I am dealing with someone I don't want to hurt.

Without truth, love becomes mere sentiment - a "go, I wish you well" outlook on the world that is not offensive, but has little real value. Love without truth becomes cruel, saying I care about you but I will not help you - because I want you to be "happy" being yourself. Frankly, I need help to keep me from becoming my own downfall. If you love me, you'll get involved in my life - especially when I am on a destructive path.

Without love, truth becomes callous and hardened, uncaring, and destructive - putting demands on us, but offering no help to us to meet those demands. Truth is like a reinforced concrete bunker, impervious even to the radiation of an atomic blast. It is real, but it offers nothing to those who fail ...

Ah, but truth in love ... that is balm to the soul, help to the weak, rest to the weary, and comfort to the afflicted. In some respects, not dissimilar to the structure of a human being. Truth is the hard reality that gives shape to our life, but it is not bare. It is instead surrounded by a layer of flesh, of warmth and softness and strength that cover the starkness of the truth into something more familiar, more attractive ... a person.

To speak truth in love seems to be the highest goal a human being has for his interactions with others. To speak truth into their life in such a way that they receive it, that they see its beauty, and that they see its value. To speak truth patiently, kindly, to look to the interest of others before your own, and to not have your own agenda is to love. To speak in such a way that truth is received and recognized for what it is, a precious gem or a light that guides your path for your benefit. This is what it means to speak the truth in love.

God himself has spoken. I believe He has spoken through His Word and through His Son. Jesus is the Truth. God is Love. What He does, he does for ultimate goodness. We don't have Jesus here before us today, and though God's invisible qualities are apparent in creation, they don't give us enough. We need to see, in our mind's eye, Jesus as the embodiment of Love and Truth, sent from the Father to us. We can look to others as living embodiments of His image, but that image is marred, impure, and dim. We see Him through faith, to be sure, but not just faith in faith, or faith for its own sake or faith in fables or cunningly devised tales. Instead we see Jesus as He is by God's Word. If God Himself does not tell us what He is like, we are lost. If God Himself did not preserve the record of his coming, we would have clue. We are at His Mercy - to have patience with us, to have pity on us, to condescend to come down to us. We need his benevolence to take the next breath.

Truth in love. Christ is the model. He did not compromise truth, yet spoke appropriately to people to give them what they needed, in order to accomplish His purposes in the moment. He drew people to himself, though he often offended some. He attracted the weak, the suffering, and the powerless, yet did not spurn the strong, the proud, and the powerful. He confronted all of them on occasions with their sin and their need for Him.

He was not interested in a show, nor did he try to accumulate political power. He called the greatest in His Kingdom to serve others. He turned the world's values upside-down. He did not compromise himself, yet he did not bow to political correctness. He honored God above men, yet did not needlessly offend. He piqued the interest of Roman officials and of prostitutes. He spoke to people and they immediately left home and livelihood to follow Him. He is not safe, but He is good.

Truth in Love. Truth and Love in action. Two legs of a runner spreading the Good News to the ends of the Earth ...

Living life in the "already - not yet"

Yesterday, I found myself in a discussion about change in our lives - both before and after we become a Christian. It's something that for whatever reason, is hard for us to figure out. We spend much time outwardly conforming to the external standards and demands placed upon us, without inner change taking place. One example is the wearing of suits. I find little basis for judging someone's spirituality or even professionalism on whether they wear a suit or not. I know some fine people who wear suits, and some people who wear suits who I wouldn't trust with a quarter. I know some people who are skilled - both with people and their area of expertise - who wear shorts and t-shirts everywhere. There does not seem to be a correlation of skill or "spirituality" with the clothes one wears. Personally, I am much more comfortable in jeans or shorts and I wear them whenever I can. But, I have had some people come up to me and let me know that they do consider dress a mark of spirituality and professionalism. I've tried to persuade a couple of people otherwise, but they get offended. At the same time, I don't want to unnecessarily offend others, so it is just easier for me at times to wear the suit ... but sometimes I feel like we have elevated the "whitewashed tombs full of dead men's bones" to be a social virtue. I'm more interested to know what is in someone's heart than what they wear ...

In a similar way, there is change that is purely external. It's the type of change that often comes from fear or powerlessness. If someone has the ability to make your life unpleasant, you will probably find a way to modify your behavior in order to avoid suffering. But it doesn't really change you on the inside. You have found a way to conform and avoid attention, but inwardly you know that your desire is to do otherwise. This inward change is something that rarely happens - and to have your desires line up with Christ's? That's truly a supernatural change. People who have not recognized Christ as Lord of the universe have some other person or idea as the defining influence in their life - and it's usually self. We live for our own agenda, for our own pleasure, for our own values, and for our own preservation.

When someone begins to trust Christ alone for their life, a change begins to occur at the deepest level - no more do we see self on the throne as the ultimate experience. When we are brought to life by Christ, we believe and are justified. We are declared "righteous" in the heavenly court because of the grand exchange. Our sin is given to Christ, who bears the punishment for them. And His righteousness is given to us - all the goodness of Christ is credited to our legal account. Because of this, we are accepted and adopted in God's family instead of being condemned as the rebellious enemies of God that we are. So, legally, our status has permanently changed. We are adopted sons and daughters of the Most High. We have been given every heavenly blessing in Christ and we are seated "in the heavenlies" with Him. We are fully forgiven and there is therefore now no condemnation for those in Christ!

And yet ... we still sin. Not just in the things we do. Not just by not doing the things we should. But in our very attitudes, desires, and thoughts. The inner life that often - but not always - works its way out to our actions. So if we are a new creature in Christ, capable of great change through the Spirit, why do we still struggle? Because we are still not yet what we will be. One day, those who have been justified (declared righteous) - those who in the power of the Spirit have grown in Christ-likeness (progressive sanctification) - when we see Him, we will be like Him. However God chooses to consummate our sanctification and glorification, we will be like Christ! It is a guaranteed conclusion because of what Christ has done. His final victory in us has been purchased, guaranteed, and won.

So, we are already part of His family, already seated in the heavenly places, already made perfect in Christ - but we are not yet there, not yet what we will be, and not yet free from the effects of sin. We are already all of those things promised to us, but we have not yet been given the full extent of the gift.

Thu, we have the ability to grow, the need to grow, the desire to grow, and the guarantee that we will grow - never fully reaching perfection this side of the grave. One day, though, we will be like Christ...

Deadlines ...

Why is it that I seem to work better to a deadline? I am seemingly able to focus better and make decisions about priority easier. I believe I focus better, perhaps because of the adrenaline that pumps into my system as the deadline approaches.

I'd like to be able to pace myself reasonably and put in work over a period of time. I used to run cross country, so I understand that if you always go all out from the start, you rarely run the best race you are capable of. I also know that things happen unexpectedly and you cannot expect people to always extend grace because of your own lack of planning ... what was that sign I saw, "Your lack of planning doesn't make this my emergency ..."

What is it about my heart? Is it a love of leisure? Is it a love of my own wants? Why can't I see at the beginning the way I so often feel at the end - that this might have been able to be done better and thereby glorify God more, but I'm out of time. And yet, perhaps that's my perfectionism sneaking through once again. Maybe it's my almost compulsive need to do everything so that others don't criticize. How do I come to grips with the fact that I just cannot do everything I want - especially to the level I want to do it? That seems like accepting mediocrity ...

And yet, to always demand the best result you could produce may be placing an idol of performance on my personal altar. Does everything need to be done with such precision? I get so frustrated when I do dishes by hand (the dishwasher is truly a marvelous thing) because I don't stop unless there is absolutely no visible defect in the condition of the plate. My wife has grown to take pity on me after years of marriage - what she does in 10 or 15 minutes takes me almost an hour ... Why is that? What is this need for control or certainty?

Like everything else, though there may be influences in my life (my past, my disposition, my environment), ultimately I am responsible for the choices I make, for the things I desire, and for the things I allow to come before my relationship with God.

If God calls me to serve Him in such a way that I can only spend 5 minutes washing dishes, I need to either come up with a way to get them clean in that amount of time (without obsessing over them) or hand off that responsibility to another. To spend more time washing dishes if He has called me to something else is to fall short - to sin. It is not my reputation at stake - who am I anyway - but His. It is not my agenda, desires, or preferences, but His.

And He loves me. And He loves others. And He can run the universe just fine without me. So, if he calls me to do something quicker or in a different time period than I would prefer, it is best. He made me - he knows my gifts and limitations. So, whatever His purpose may be - including to humble me by failing at my task - it is better for me and those around me if I stop trying to do things my way and conform to His plan for me.

Help me Lord, to see how I can use my time wisely, my energy wisely, and leave the evaluation of the task You set before me to You as well. I may claim to be interested in Your glory when in reality, I have my reputation in mind. Help me to see the task you have for me in this moment, and leave the bigger plan to you. Someday, when all is revealed, I may be shocked to see how many "good" things I passed up because I wanted those dishes to be "squeaky clean."