Deadlines ...

Why is it that I seem to work better to a deadline? I am seemingly able to focus better and make decisions about priority easier. I believe I focus better, perhaps because of the adrenaline that pumps into my system as the deadline approaches.

I'd like to be able to pace myself reasonably and put in work over a period of time. I used to run cross country, so I understand that if you always go all out from the start, you rarely run the best race you are capable of. I also know that things happen unexpectedly and you cannot expect people to always extend grace because of your own lack of planning ... what was that sign I saw, "Your lack of planning doesn't make this my emergency ..."

What is it about my heart? Is it a love of leisure? Is it a love of my own wants? Why can't I see at the beginning the way I so often feel at the end - that this might have been able to be done better and thereby glorify God more, but I'm out of time. And yet, perhaps that's my perfectionism sneaking through once again. Maybe it's my almost compulsive need to do everything so that others don't criticize. How do I come to grips with the fact that I just cannot do everything I want - especially to the level I want to do it? That seems like accepting mediocrity ...

And yet, to always demand the best result you could produce may be placing an idol of performance on my personal altar. Does everything need to be done with such precision? I get so frustrated when I do dishes by hand (the dishwasher is truly a marvelous thing) because I don't stop unless there is absolutely no visible defect in the condition of the plate. My wife has grown to take pity on me after years of marriage - what she does in 10 or 15 minutes takes me almost an hour ... Why is that? What is this need for control or certainty?

Like everything else, though there may be influences in my life (my past, my disposition, my environment), ultimately I am responsible for the choices I make, for the things I desire, and for the things I allow to come before my relationship with God.

If God calls me to serve Him in such a way that I can only spend 5 minutes washing dishes, I need to either come up with a way to get them clean in that amount of time (without obsessing over them) or hand off that responsibility to another. To spend more time washing dishes if He has called me to something else is to fall short - to sin. It is not my reputation at stake - who am I anyway - but His. It is not my agenda, desires, or preferences, but His.

And He loves me. And He loves others. And He can run the universe just fine without me. So, if he calls me to do something quicker or in a different time period than I would prefer, it is best. He made me - he knows my gifts and limitations. So, whatever His purpose may be - including to humble me by failing at my task - it is better for me and those around me if I stop trying to do things my way and conform to His plan for me.

Help me Lord, to see how I can use my time wisely, my energy wisely, and leave the evaluation of the task You set before me to You as well. I may claim to be interested in Your glory when in reality, I have my reputation in mind. Help me to see the task you have for me in this moment, and leave the bigger plan to you. Someday, when all is revealed, I may be shocked to see how many "good" things I passed up because I wanted those dishes to be "squeaky clean."

Sunny Days, part 2

I'm sitting outside, underneath some shade, on a beautiful day. It's 80 degrees with clear, blue skies, a light breeze, and all the plants around me a luscious shade of green. It's one of those days you feel were made for worship. Most of the world might worship the creation on such a day, but it is far more magnificent to ponder the creator on such a day. Of course, He is no less the creator of the dark, dreary days of winter, and they have purpose in showing Him forth, too. For one thing, without those days, days like today would be taken for granted. It makes one wonder what this world would be like without the effects of sin ...

The wind is right now gently rustling the leaves on the maple tree here, and it has the same sort of sound that a wave on a beach has - that white noise that somehow is soothing. The faint sounds of dozens of birds in the distance. There's a plane going by now, and though it is a man-made intrusion on the natural beauty, it is off in the distance to the point where it, too, adds only a small rumble to the audial masterpiece that surrounds me.

There's a song with a line I like to ponder occasionally - that God "could have made the world black and white, and we'd have never known" the joy we were missing of color. Why did God grant us the enjoyment of color or sound or smells or even touch? Somehow all these things let us know Him better. His depth is so far above our own that the infinite colors we have, the tones of sound we can distinguish, the combination of smells that can be enjoyed only scratch at the surface of how enjoyable He is. God has truly showered His blessings upon this world, although we deserve nothing from Him but wrath. People who scoff at His existence or even directly oppose Him are still given the benefits common to us all. This is some of what it means to love your enemy ...

Unfortunately, all too often, I do not even love my friends like this. I get annoyed too quickly, exasperated too soon, discouraged too often, and angry when my agenda is not being served. I certainly don't look for ways to bless them at all times - and if they took it for granted or even opposed me, I would feel justified in letting them know it. But that's not the way of Christ. I wish I could love in such a way that I was quick to bless in spite of cursing. Maybe I'm better in this area than I was, but I feel like someone scaling the Sears Towers and using everything I have to reach the second floor ...

How can I be a man after God's own heart - a man who blesses even his enemies with the gift of seeing color, hearing sounds and so forth? What does it look like for me to deny myself in the moments where all I am conscious of is my violated rights? or, worse yet, wants?

Lord, give me your wisdom to know what to do, your strength to do what you call me to do, and your peace not to judge it by the earthly outcome ...

When you are misunderstood ...

What do you do when you are misunderstood?



I try to help clear up people's apparent misconceptions of me. My reputation must not be tarnished and my pride fed, so of course I must set the person straight. It's all about me after all. My reputation is so valuable that I must keep it clean at all costs. I'm never wrong, either, so I have to help others see that ...



Ugh... even when I'm joking about it (ok, maybe there's more truth there than I want to admit), it turns my stomach. Why is it that I can get so much in the way of myself? Why do I need to be in view at all? It's because I worship something or someone other than Christ - namely, me! And those times where I'm not worshipping me, I worship you - my fear of man issues rearing their ugly head again! My reputation is not without tarnish, first of all, and second, my reputation is not worth defending at all costs - maybe not at any cost. It's not because I'm so bad (though I fall short in every area), but because Christ is so good! It is His reputation that is worth upholding, His Glory upheld. I am not supposed to bein the business of self-justification. I am His and I serve His purposes - whether I choose to or not. He will get the Glory in my Christ-likeness and He will get the Glory in disciplining me in my sin. Fortunately for me, God has chosen to get Glory in forgiving my sin, justifying me, and adopting me into His family - if not, He would have received Glory in justly condemning me in my sin to an eternal punishment. God gets His glory from sinners - though he takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked - but it makes a difference to this sinner how He gets His glory in me ...



So, what I would like to do, when I am misunderstood, is to be ready and willing to live with that, should the Lord call me to such. To be able to put down arms, physically or verbally, and allow Him to defend His honor as He sees fit. I am far too tarnished to believe my motives are always true blue, anyway.



Being misunderstood attacks me at weak points, and I don't hold up very well to such attacks at times. I pray that the Lord will help me to continue letting go of my reputation, that I would not become defensive or prideful about it - but I also pray that I do nothing to tarnish His reputation. No one wants to be misunderstod ... but God calls us to serve and die to ourselves.

Writing out prayers, part 2

I decided to post the text of my prayer for some context. I wrote this for use on Memorial Day, 2008 (someone else preached)

Sermon text: Matthew 22:34-40

“Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

______________________________

Thanksgiving
(Ad-lib about Memorial Day and those veterans who have sacrificed and are sacrificing for our freedoms and our country.)

Praise
Psalm 77 – READ

Confession
Forgive us for trivializing sin – not just that we take known sin lightly in our own lives, but that we have failed to see the depth of our sin. For you who said “Do not murder” told us that to hate in your heart is murder. You who said “do not commit adultery” said that lust in one’s heart is adultery. Sin is not just the things we do and the things we don’t do, but it permeates the very thoughts of our hearts, the desires and motives we have. We lower the bar only for ourselves, yet judge others swiftly. We point at “them” and thank you that we are not like they are – just like the Pharisee did as he looked down at the tax collector. We speak “Christianese” and eat Christian cookies and wear Christian underwear and huddle together, sheltered from the world - but we miss your heart by a mile! Father, too often we are like those you condemned as “whitewashed tombs” – looking good on the outside but full of dead men’s bones! We have allowed style to become a substitute for substance. Lord, forgive us of our cultural Christianity that only allows those who are like us to find a place at our table, where we fear those who are different and those who do not do everything the way we prefer. If you died to redeem someone, who are we to say that we do not want these “new people” to come in and change “our church?” Forgive us, Father of so much pride and hate towards others.

Father, we have failed to love you as we ought. We have allowed other things to come before you. We have allowed even church activities to become a substitute for you. We do not lift you up to one another in your splendor and Glory that we might gaze upon you – instead, we bark rules at one another, quick to point out to others where they fail. We devour one another and shoot our own wounded and let Satan roar in laughter at the way we relate to one another. Perhaps worse yet, because we reduce the relationship we have with you to just duty, obedience and rules, others do not see you as the Supreme Treasure of our lives that you should be! There is no reason in us that we should be yours!
Father, without your action on our behalf, we would truly be without hope, waiting only for your Holy, Righteous and True Wrath. Forgive us Father. Give us hearts that long for you above all else, and hearts that are responsive to your Spirit. Help us not to judge one another according to our standards and the way we think things should be. We are your people, the sheep of your pasture and this is your church.

Supplication
You know our needs – there is nothing we can tell you or even think that you don’t already know. But you tell us to bring our concerns to you and lay them at your feet. We trust you – help us to grow in our trust. Your answer is always best. We are hurting Lord, sometimes even by our own hand …
Perhaps there is a man or woman here today who told their spouse they no longer love them
Perhaps there is a mother with a child that has shut her out of their life
Perhaps there is a man who just doesn’t know what to do next and death is beginning to look like a good thing
Perhaps there are others with private pain but who put on masks of smiles to come to church who long for someone with answers to their questions – or maybe just someone who cares enough to listen
Others are out of work. Still others are battling potentially fatal diseases. Many of us have relatives who do not know you, and our hearts weep in agony at what awaits them if they do not come to you.
Lord, I know each person here needs you. I need you. Not the caricature we build of you – the safe and easy God who serves our dreams - but you in fullness and reality. You are the only hope for the unloved spouse, for the shut-out mother, for the man in despair, for those with private pain, and for everyone. You are the only hope for the unloving spouse, the unloving daughter, and for those who hurt others. And you are my only hope.
We ask you to watch over our graduates. Draw them to yourself. Help them to see past our hypocrisy and shortcomings to see you for who you are – and that they might fall in love with you above all else! Let our graduates see you in such a way as to make everything else this world has to offer seem like rubbish in comparison. Let Sarah, Trisha, Michael, Tim, Abby, Brendan, Phillip, Erica, Katie, Craig, and Nikki all treasure you above all else – that they may follow you all the days of their lives.
This list of our concerns is long – but you know every detail of every situation. You never sleep, get busy, get tired, or have something better to do, but somehow you are able to give full attention to the millions of prayers being prayed this morning. We do not pray to give you new information, nor to bend you to our will. We do not pray to you as a vending machine, nor do we pray in a certain way - dotting our I’s and crossing our T’s - in order to earn your answer to us. No, we come to you as a beloved child sitting in his daddy’s lap, perhaps all muddy from playing outside, yet loved all the same. This is about Your Glory, Your Kingdom, and Your Name. Hear us O Lord, not because we are good, but only because we are yours! Answer us as you see fit not for our will to be done or our name to be made great, but for your will to be done and Your Name to made Great through all time! Yours is the Kingdom! Yours is the Power! Yours is the Glory, forever and ever, AMEN!

Writing out prayers ...

This weekend, I was asked to lead my church during the morning services in prayer. I was asked to do this on Friday, so I did not have much time to think about it. I have struggled with fear of man issues for a very long time - though God is changing me for the better in a noticeable way - and talking or praying in front of a group brings out the strongest fear.

There have been three primary ways I have dealt with this. First, I have a friend who is relentlessly reminding me of the gospel, re-centering me on the fact that my relationship with God is not based on performance, but on what Christ has already done. If I am His through faith, then there is now no condemnation for me in Christ and I do not need to fear losing the relationship I have with Him. So, because of what Christ has done, I am loved and secure in that love.

Second, I have focused on God's "evaluation" of me, in contrast to man's. While related to the first, it is slightly different in focus. Whenever I get so focused on what a person or a group of individuals think of me, I try to remember that God is so much bigger than they are and that he is the only one who can cast into hell or bring into heaven. I need to care far more what he thinks of me - to the point where, although I am not unconcerned with others, I focus truly on an audience of one. His evaluation of me is the only one that really matters - especially in any type of eternal state. And, because of what Christ has already accomplished, God is quite pleased with me (and all who are in Christ). Now, that does not mean that there is never some "fatherly displeasure" or discipline in my life - any loving father who cares about their child would do so. But it is not the relationship-severing or bullying that sometimes occurs in human relationships. So, because I am part of God's family, where he is the Only True Father, I do what I do for His fatherly pleasure.

Third, I find that if I take my time before I have to speak and write out what I want to say, it not only organizes my thoughts and gives me time to think of how I want to say what I want to say, but it gives me a bit of a safety net. If I become afraid or nervous to the point of being somewhat paralyzed, I have a text in front of me to help me. While I wish this weren't necessary, at this stage of my "recovery," it is an invaluable aid to getting me up there in front of people. So this is a bit of a crutch, I admit it. I hope to one day outgrow it. But I also know that God works in my weakness, and if I were able to stand up with no fear, I would be greatly tempted to take pride in my "great oral skills." It is humbling to have people take exception to the fact that I read things - even things I write myself and are from my heart ... and perhaps that's just what I need at this point.

Which brings me to the prayer I prayed yesterday. I knew the section of scripture that would be preached on, as well as a couple of the main points. I also wanted to use a psalm as the starting point for the prayer. So, meditating on Psalm 77 and the text from Matthew 22, I came up with a prayer that was from my heart, a prayer that addressed in general terms the hurts and needs that are out there in virtually any congregation of any size. I spent time praising God, confessing broad and specific corporate and individual sins, thanking God specifically for those who served our country and those who gave their lives doing so (as it is Memorial Day weekend), and asking God to provide for the true, deep needs of the congregation. These were my words (though I'm sure most of the ideas are common among the many books I read and sermons I listen to) that I spent more than 3 hours preparing. But I read about two-thirds of my prayer. I had some extemporaneous spots throughout, but I wanted to be sure to say certain things in certain ways. Because of my fear-of-man struggles, I do not presume to think that my own motives were absolutely pure, but I think I am being truly honest when I say that I was not trying to impress people as much as pour my heart out to God and lead this group in a prayer that would reflect their heart to God as well. This was not so much about me looking good (though who wants to look bad?) as much as, I hope, about lifting God before the congregation, and lifting the congregation up to God.

After I finished, I wondered what people thought. But again, as I thought about my own pride and my own desire to have people like me, I thought it was "dangerous" for me to ask anyone. I wanted to be content that I did this for the Lord, and that His evaluation of me would be right and true, just and merciful. There were a number of people who came up to me and said that the appreciated the length of my prayer, the focus of my prayer, and the way that I said things. I find that I almost fear such compliments, since I do not want to feed my pride - but it did feel good to receive these, and I wanted to receive graciously what people went out of their way to offer.

But. There was one guy who had a huge issue with me reading my prayer. He didn't of course come to me about it, but spoke with someone else, who relayed the conversation to me (in the course of a general conversation we had - he didn't like, run over to me and say, "Ooooh, guess what ..."). This one comment unfortunately outweighed the dozens of positive comments - in my mind at least. There it is again - the perfectionism, the pride, the fear of man, the wanting everyone to be pleased with me. Forgive me Father for putting this person and these people above you in my heart - even if just for a moment. My wife is good for me - she is truly God's gift to me - and we joked about my pride and "OCD" tendencies. But this one comment sticks with me far more than the others - and that is wrong. Some people gave me beautiful comments, and I know the Lord has made me whatever I am - I can take no credit, except for my sin. Why can't I just enjoy the comments equally with the criticism, both on a level far below what God thinks of me? Why do I have this issue with pride, with fear of man, with wanting everyone to think well of me? I am such a sinner in need of so much grace! I am glad that God is not done with me yet.

So, I don't know if it is wrong or not to write out a prayer and read it. but I tend to think it is not. The Bible is full of written documents - including prayers - that are no less heartfelt because they were written. I wrote this out in my own words, and I think it better reflected my heart than the spur-of-the-moment extemporaneous prayers I do. I would love to be able to come up with such on the spot," but it's not like I write everything out. I thought it was appropriate given my shortcomings and the setting in which I was praying. I am sorry if I offended this man or any others - that was certainly not my intent. But, if I am doing this for an audience of one, I must let go of the criticism - and the compliments as well - not callously, but submitting who I am and what I do to the Only True and Righteous Judge. Who is also My Redeemer, My Father, and My God.

Two-year-olds ...

I am currently watching two two-year-old boys. They are great little guys, but they are so full of energy! Energy that is mostly directed in fun, semi-constructive ways - but turns in an instant. Two-year-olds can be laughing together one moment, fighting over a toy the next, then back to friends. It makes ones head spin! They are old enough to clearly express what they want, yet not old enough to have developed sophisticated techniques for hiding their wants ... raw desire, unleashed on an unsuspecting world ...

They can be very kind and tender one moment, and the next, fighting with all their strength over the toy the other one has - the toy that has sat untouched for an hour. The word "mine" seems to be nearly "built-in."

But as I reflect, are we really all that different? Oh, sure we are more mature - meaning perhaps we don't fight over the same things or expose our raw inner feelings so easily. But the same basic urges are there: "I want ..." "You can't" "I must have ... to make me feel right." What hope is there for these two-year-olds (a very loud thump made me jump as they played superman off the coffee table ... must go ... back now) who grow up in a world that seems to urge them to let these urges go and indulge them fully? Parenting would be a very grim task without hope ...

Not hope that they will be better than me ... Not hope that they will earn lots of money, or drive the right car, or live in the right house in the right neighborhood, or even that they will marry the right spouse ... No, hope that they can become more than what they are - more than the sum of their genetics and experiences. But this is not a natural hope, but a hope that they will follow Christ and that He will reside in them - changing them from the inside out. Making them something beyond what the "raw materials" could be ... adding a supernatural element to their re-creation. That's hope for them, for the world, and for me ...

How much faith?

How much faith is enough? Is it even right to "quantify faith," or to question the level of faith of another? What exactly is faith?

These are some of the questions I find myself wondering about as I ponder faith and what other people tell me I should have. The way that some people speak about faith, it is some mystical experience that no one can fully describe - but everyone should have. I have seen people who I thought had great faith wither when they actually had to put it into action and others - others who I might have thought frail, suddenly stand ...

I think my understanding of faith is best summed up by the word trust. Perhaps the phrase "trust in action" is better. To have faith in something is to be willing to trust it. I can trust the bridge I go across, the plane I fly in, and the boat I'm in to cross the water. I put my weight on it, my safety in "its hands." It's not just belief, but a belief that causes a reaction in me. If I am on a train track and you tell me that a train is coming, if I truly believe you, I will move (assuming I am of sound mind and want to live). If a stranger tells me this, I may want some confirmation, but if my friend tells me this, I'll believe them on the basis of our relationship. So to have faith in Christ, but not have your life change or not care about what he says or the things he cares about seems to me to be a spurious faith. On the other hand, scripture tells us that "If you confess with your mouth that Christ is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved." So I don't want to add anything beyond what scripture tells us. I just think that if you believe like this, your life will change ...

But how much faith do we need? Jesus told us that "faith as small as a mustard seed" could remove mountains. To me, that seems like he is saying that we should not get hung up about the amount of faith one has - the smallest amount is "effective." But it's got to be faith in the right thing. Small faith in Christ moves mountains. Great faith in a falsehood does nothing ultimately of value.

Some people seem to value "faith in faith." This is most easily seen when people start talking about"having enough faith," or urging someone to have more faith in order to get their heart's desire. This seems to come out of the same family as positive thinking - if you just think the right things or believe it enough, your dream will come true ...

I believe in god's absolute sovereignty, and therefore don't believe that we change his plans by our performance - whether we pray enough, etc. And yet, God works through means. He has ordained that he will accomplish his will through the prayers of his people. So, when we pray, things are actually getting accomplished - not through some mystical connection of power between our prayers and the situation, but through the direct, ordained means of God answering His people's prayers in order to accomplish his will.

And yet, we are tole "You have not, because you ask not." So there does seem to be a connection between our prayers and what happens. We all know the man who said "I believe. Help my unbelief." So we are a mixture of belief and unbelief - of trust in Christ and trust in ourselves ...
Jesus rebuked the disciples when they were "men of little faith." So, there is apparently a real sense in which our faith comes in "quantities." And yet, it doesn't take much faith to move mountains ...

I don't know where this is heading for me, but right now, I really question the use of guilt to motivate people to a) have more faith and b) have more faith in our plans so that God might fulfill our desires.

All this to say that I think if we have any faith in Christ, it is enough. Yet we are to grow in faith and knowledge. We are not coming to God, mustering up our faith in faith to get we want from the divine vending machine to spend on our desires and lusts. I would love to have pure motives, to want His will to be done, for that is always best. I'd rather not have a
God who bent his will to mine - I should not be in charge of the universe. I'd mess it up in a second. I can't even get my life straight ... Thanh you, Lord, that you say no to many of our prayers ... give us a clearer vision of you that our trust might increase as we travel through life ... for your name's sake.

Tired of politics

I'm tired of politics. Tired of them this year and tired of them in my life. There are important issues to be discussed, but rarely are they ... I've watched an hour of a debate to get 5 minutes of good information. This seems so wrong. Style over substance ...

I'm overhearing right now a program where two hosts of opposite convictions are going back and forth - both oversimplifying the issues and both mischaracterizing (or should I say demonizing) the other's view. It is more about getting a zinger, a soundbite than actually addressing the issues. There are few talking heads who actually get to substance - but ask them to take us, the audience, seriously? Naw, we can't know nuthin'

I'm tired of people not taking things seriously enough to get a basic idea what they're talking about. I love the quote, "Most people don't have a right to their own opinion because they don't know what they're talking about." No, I'm not really taking that position - that would be a funny position for a blog to take. But there's something to it. We pontificate on subjects all the time that we really shouldn't. There are some subjects I know quite a bit about, and it is funny to listen to people who are trying to impress with their knowledge. But, as I sit there chuckling at their "great declaration" I find myself wondering if that is how I sound to others ...

I don't speak as an outsider to the human race. I know I speak when I shouldn't and try to put forth an image of my profound knowledge that just isn't so. I need humility and "ears to hear" as much as anyone. I also realize that we get a lot of knowledge about our world through dialogue, so you have to put your opinions out there at times. I won't know how bad my ideas are unless someone engages with them and takes them apart. One cannot just be passively receiving information in life ... so there has to be a cycle of putting ideas out there, understanding one another, thinking critically through the ideas, and offering improvements. In theory, that's what I think politics should be ...

But its not. there's too much about power and greed and manipulation ... what else should we expect, though? Politicians are sinners as are we. None of us thinks the way we should nor acts the way we should. I think I could tolerate such a situation if I were convinced people were trying to do the right thing - trying to put in the hard effort of working through issues and finding solutions. But, I'm expecting too much perhaps, if I think politicians could implement these ideals better than the general population. Government is a good thing - ordained by God. But politics? At least the way we do it, I'm tired.

Tired. Tired of being a fallen man living in a fallen world among fallen people. But, I am being redeemed! I have been purchased from the slave-market of sin and no longer look to this life for my fulfillment. One day, I will see Him and be like Him! And on that day, perhaps I'll think back to this time and rejoice that politics is no longer part of my existence ... Even so, come, Lord Jesus ...

To move or not to move ...

It seems that my wife and I go through this struggle every year. We live in the northeast, in an area where housing is high and salaries are not quite so high ... we have had offers to move to other states where our income would be literally 3, 4 and 5 times what we make here. I struggle with this in particular because it is hard to balance family issues. My family has been in this immediate area for almost 30 years, in the general area for generations. My wife's family has been where they are for close to 20 years - but it's nine hours away.

I have been considering going back to school, and the place I think I should go is 50 miles from where we are now - something I could do on a part-time basis. I'm not a big fan of distance learning (though I understand others don't share my view). There's something about sitting in a classroom, being able to interact with the teacher and other students easily - and face-to-face. I still take notes with paper and a pen - though I try to type them into my computer as part of my review process.

I have always struggled with change, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is a control issue. Perhaps it's because I seem to be an introvert, and it takes a lot of effort to meet new people. Sometimes, I wish God would spell out his will on a billboard for me, but I'm not sure that's the answer, either. People saw Jesus do miraculous things, yet not all believed. There is more to believing than just seeing ...

I have read a number of books on "finding God's will." One is intriguingly titled "Finding God's Will: A pagan notion?" Are we seeking a mystical answer to something God has provided other means to discover? Does it make any sense to seek the "secret will" of God to find out where I should be? Is God playing a cat and mouse game with me and the "right" path I should take? Other books have an n-step plan to finding God's will - while others urge you to look at open doors. Still others tell you to pray until you're sure you know God's will, while others tell you to "just move somewhere" because a vehicle in motion is easier to turn than a static one ... It seems to me that there is much confusion and little clarity offered in finding God's will. And it seems to cause much anxiety ... have I missed God's best? have I blown it?

Few of these options seem like they take into account our relationship with God - that we are his beloved, adopted children, whom he is shaping into "little Christ's." I believe in God's absolute sovereignty (how it exactly works can be tricky for sure), and I believe that "all things work together for those who love God." Therefore, whatever is in my life right now is there by His sovereign will, that the circumstances of my life are arranged to get me from where I am to where he wants me to be. Nothing comes into my life that does not first pass through His loving, nail-pierced hands. That includes the stuff I'd rather not go through. Jesus calls his people to suffer, and to do so willingly. He calls us to die - to die to ourselves, surely, but also to let go of our physical life if he calls us to. I'd rather not go through pain and loss and suffering - but if he is with me, there's no other place to be.

So, I know that God is sovereign. I know that he will never leave me, nor forsake me for His name's sake - not because I'm such a good follower. I'm not. I stumble and stray constantly. I know that because of Christ, he has removed my sin from me as far as the East is from the West, that there is no condemnation for me in Christ. I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. He knows my frailties, my confusion, my wandering heart, and my blindness. But he sticks with me.

So, as I look at the circumstances of life, I wonder. I see opportunities here that I may not have elsewhere. I see good that is being done where I minister (although my judgment may not be true). I have no real desire to move, and no real picture of what I would do elsewhere. My wife is not sure either. There are benefits and drawbacks to all the situations we have considered. Our kids will adjust to most options well, though being away from all family would be tough for them. I see many doors potentially open, nothing that "gives me peace," nothing that comes clearly in prayer. Maybe it's me. But I know that God is guiding my life - and the life of my family - for all our good. He is trustworthy. I don't need to see anything but the next step.

Lord, I trust your sovereignty. Help my unbelief! Show me what I need to do today - and let tomorrow take care of itself.

To move or not to move - that's not the question ...

So, how'd it go?

God is good. Amazingly good.

I was a little stiff in my presentation - a little fear of man mixed in with some doubts of the unknown. I don't want to come across that way, but I often do. I tend to script exactly what I want to say, sometimes putting in hours being precise in my thought and language. It's probably an issue of control and pride. No one wants to look bad, and I certainly don't want to mess up. Someday, maybe I'll feel comfortable enough to do things on the fly ... or at least only have an outline as opposed to a script!

I have a friend who has shared with me that he wishes that my personality in one-on-one situations was able to more clearly shine through when I am in front of a larger group. So do I. I fear the critiques that come from people, well-meaning for the most part. I wish I didn't. I wish, like one of my favorite teachers says, that I was more concerned with what God thinks than what you (the crowd) think. But I'm better than I was and God has promised to stick with me - not because I'm so good, but because I'm His. I don't want to disregard others, but I don't want them to become my functional God.

We had a couple of items I expected to generate many comments and even some heated discussion. Amazingly, there was none. No questions on the issues I was concerned about. Now, I have no idea why that is, and I can't even begin to speculate. It would be nice to think that information was truly sufficient to cover everyone's questions and concerns. But I doubt it. I hope people feel like they can raise questions and give comments. I can't read minds and I don't want to expend so much energy trying to figure out what may have been the reason. I will have to trust that the Lord will show me what He wants me to know when He wants me to know it.

It was rather amazing in that I thought the meeting was at least two hours. Somehow it was barely one. That probably speaks to my heightened concern in the midst of the meeting. Someday, by God's grace, maybe these kinds of meetings will be enjoyable ... but I'm not there yet ...

Doubt, fear, and the what if ...

I have the privilege to run a meeting tonight. There will be anywhere from 100-200 people there, representing many more. I'm not the only one presenting, nor am I even the primary presenter. But we have a couple of issues that have generated what seems like a great number of comments - and I have no idea what direction the meeting will take.

Inside, I have that nervous energy similar to before a wrestling match. It's a familiar feeling, and one probably most associated with putting yourself out there for all to see - and critique. And some critiques are not kind. I understand that - and I've even given a few unkind critiques myself. No one is making me do this - it is my choice to have accepted this position, and my choice to be "out there." In many ways, the unknowns are the worst of it. What if someone asks a hard question, or a question I don't know the answer to? What will I do then? And I know I can't please everyone. So, no matter what I do, there is always someone who will find something that could have been done better - and I've done that to others as well. Somehow the mistake someone else makes that you "know" you wouldn't have made seems so much worse than the dozen others you do make ...

And yet, this time is a little different. As I continue to grow and be led by the Lord, I find that it really is less about me. To be sure, I do not want to "mess up" and I want to do well and do the the right thing - but even if I try my best, it won't be perfect. But that's not the point, really. I believe I am right now where God wants me to be.

Because he is with me and will not leave me nor forsake me, no matter what happens, he'll still be with me. He doesn't give up on His children. And that's a huge comfort - more comfort than just about anything. More than that, though, because he is sovereign, I am right where he wants me to be in order to accomplish in me what he wants to accomplish. That can be a little scary ... what if he wants to humble me? what if my pride needs to be absolutely shattered? what if I am called to be a voice for Him in the midst of a failure? what I my weaknesses are to be utterly exposed in order for his strength to shine through me?

And yet, if any of these or all of these or something I haven't even imagined is coming ... he is still in control. And there is no other place to be than where he wants me. So, somehow - even with this feeling in my stomach, there is an overarching sense of peace as I know God is in control. Thus, like everything else in me, I am a mixture of belief and unbelief, of trust and mistrust, of faith and doubt, of boldness and fear, of confidence in Him and lack of confidence in myself ...

"I believe. Help my unbelief!"

made-up terms

I have been reading a bit lately on the emergent church and some apologetics - both for and against Christianity. I had one of those moments forming a couple of terms in my mind that I thought were pretty cool and ones I had never heard before. I thought, gee, maybe no one has ever put these words together before ... I then I Googled them for fun ... and, of course I was wrong. It reminds me of the time in high school when for fun, I went through the exercise of deriving the formula for the volume of a generic pail (rather than look it up), or the time I thought I had found a method for trisecting and angle with only a compass and a straight-edge (no one has come up with one, as far as I know). It makes one wonder if anyone has truly had a unique idea. I know that many patents, perhaps most, tweak an existing idea. In other words, "progress" is often small and barely perceptible in reality - regardless of how it is presented in the media.

Anyway, as I was reading, two thoughts came to mind - that "not knowing" has been elevated in so many circles not just as a virtue, but as a requirement for sanity. In fact, one might say that the secret knowledge needed to be in the circle is that we doubt everything - or even that anything can be truly known. To this end, the idea of an "arrogant agnosticism" seemed to describe this sense from some that they had the "real" knowledge. From that, the term "gnostic agnosticism" also came to mind to describe the group of people who define belonging (or mattering) as being willing to say that one knows nothing for sure (or at least claims to not know answers to life's most important questions) ... I thought these words described quite well what I read about some post-modern people. There were only about 32 references on Google for the one, and 194 references for the other - so I guess I can be happy that there aren't many references to these ideas. Perhaps it wasn't something that I read somewhere a while back that was stored in the recesses of my brain - perhaps, but not likely.

So, while I like these two terms and will use them when appropriate, it goes to show that there is rarely anything totally new under the sun - even in the seemingly fluid world of language ...

But, it was a fun thought for a second ...

what I wanted ...

Again I return to the topic of wrestling as a reflection on my life. I loved wrestling - I still do, whenever I can get to a practice with a local team. There is something about it that is just great. Maybe it's because it's a sport that is ideal for my body type. Maybe it's because I achieved some limited early success. Maybe because it was a place that I felt some measure of belonging, and then found out that I was good at it.

But what I wanted more than anything, I think, was a coach who saw my potential, who believed in me, and who invested in me. I would have run through a brick wall for someone like that. Now, I'm really not knocking my high school or college coaches - they may have done everything someone could ask a coach to do. But, inside my head, I longed for someone to stick with me, to encourage me, to work with me, to invest in me, to get to know me and what motivated me and spur me on to whatever I could have been ... but perhaps I was the one in the wrong. I'm not sure anyone could have done what I was asking within my heart at that time. Oh, sure, perhaps I did have the talent to be a state placewinner or a collegiate conference champion, or perhaps not. We won't know any more than what I actually accomplished this side of eternity. I think though, that perhaps the issue was really that God-shaped hole in my soul that Pascal spoke of so many years ago. Perhaps what I really wanted was God. Something bigger than myself to define my life. Someone who cared about me, who believed in me, who would stick with me through everything to help me become what I was made to be...

So perhaps this longing in me was really the longing for God that God himself had awakened in me. And perhaps I was being idolatrous, thinking that a coach or success in a sport could fill the void that only God can. Perhaps even this sense of unfulfiled dreams I have today with respect to wrestling is a remnant in me of this idolatry. God has used this experience, though to remind me that only He truly satisfies. Yet, I chase after these other things, after other people who I think will help me "become all I can be." But only God knows what I was meant to be - and that is not primarily something grand I am called to do, but ultimately "just" to be His child. To resemble Him, to further His Kingdom, and to accomplish his goals. So that my life is bigger than just my life.

What I wanted, I thought, was someone who believed in me and knew how to get me to some ultimate goal. God didn't let me settle for that, though. He knows me and the plans he has for me, and because I'm His, he will never leave me nor forsake me, but take me to the place He designed me to be - at His feet, in His family. What I wanted amounted to a pile of rusted trinkets ...

The trivialization of sin ...

I have come to wonder if one of the main problems in the evangelical world is the trivialization of sin. I'm sure many people would read that sentence and say, "yes - we've gotten too soft and are too much like the world!" But that's not quite what I mean. We are soft on sin - but not in the way most people mean it. They want to hear us condemn the sins of the world, and to do so loudly and angrily. In my limited experience (limited in that I am only one person and can only hear so many voices), I have heard too much of the "us vs them" style where "they" are the sinners, that "we" have it right, and that we are in a war with them. But that is so much politics and so little reflection of what I see in the New Testament. If Jesus did not come to condemn but to save, if we are all saved by grace, changed by grace, and maintained by grace - why do we self-righteously condemn the world - or worse yet other Christians? (And yes, I realize the irony of me, a sinner, critiquing other sinners in this way. By doing so, I put myself in the same category as those I critique. I just don't know what else to do but talk of what I see) None of us have it right, and we are all beggars telling other beggars where we found bread.

My perception of what has happened is that we have put all our eggs in the wrong basket. Well, maybe not the completely wrong basket, but perhaps a terribly deformed basket with all the wrong dimensions. To be sure, "the world" sins in great ways - but, then again, isn't that what we should expect? There is no reason in their mind why they should submit or even acknowledge God's law and no inclination in their heart to do so - so why are we surprised that they live like they do, advance the causes they do, and resent being told otherwise? Doesn't that describe you, Christian, before Christ reached into your life and gave you a new heart?

But that's not really what I'm talking about, either. That's an important conversation to have and one that has critical answers. What I am primaily talking about is the trivialization of the sin within the Christian world, the trivialization of the struggle, and the trivialization of what God says. Sin is not just the "big, bad sins" that are so obvious. Those who love the Bible as God's testimony to the Unique Word to humanity know that Jesus took the law - which the Pharisees had trivialized and made deal with purely the external - and turned it back inward, where it belonged. No longer was it enough to just "not commit adultery" - now it was about that internal action we call lust. No longer was it "good enough" to have never committed murder - now it was about hate in your heart and what comes out of your mouth. No longer is it about "seperating ourselves" from the worldly vices of "smoking, drinking, or dancing," but the much more tenacious sins of attitudes, words, and thoughts. But "Christians" recognize that these things are far more difficult to change in any real way, so instead of admitting defeat (because we don't really know how to defeat these things), we redefine the problem into something manageable. We become moralists - and weak ones at that.

However, one does not have to be a Christian to stop smoking. One does not have to be a Christian to stop drinking. One does not have to be a Christian to stop sleeping around. The last few decades have shown us that people can change their behavior in these areas aside from any commitment to Christ. A little scare from cancer, from aids, or the thought of losing your family or reputation is enough for many to stop these actions. But that's not the gospel. That's not how you enter a relationship with God - on the basis of your works (or non-works). You are not OK just because you don't do these things. Yet, because many christians have no real answers, they resort to fear, minimization of God's standards, or just stating the law. What's that saying, when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail? Law condemns, it has no power to change people. But when you trivialize God's law into some manageable acts or non-acts, you have done far greater damage ...

Because the Christian message is so much more radical, because it talks of a change so much deeper than these superficial things, I have found that many Christians, many popular Christian materials, and even many popular Christian teachers just don't go there because they don't have answers to these deeper questions. It's far easier to get everyone to eat Christian cookies and wear Christian underwear and go to church 14 times a week than to engage the depth of sin in ourselves and develop the humility to be able to engage the world in a way that actually attracts those in whom God is working.

I am so tired of sin being trivialized and making everyone "nice" and "bland." Jesus didn't die to make us "nice" and he didn't die to make us "boring." There is a grittiness to the fight against sin that just doesn't go well with our nice Sunday clothes and our guarded speech and our veneer of spirituality. There is a sense in which we are to be unified and similar - but diversity is also something "good" that God has designed into the world which he created. Someday we're going to see the depths of our sin - our motives and thoughts laid bare. I don't know if its a private conversation between us and God or out in the open for all to see, but I do think we will see the true depths of our sin so that we might finally understand the true depths of his mercy and love toward us. It will not be, in one sense, a pleasant experience for any of us - but I think many of us will be shocked of the sins we never heard of from our "respected teachers" because in the end, we suffer from a system - well-hidden - of self-justification (note: I absolutely believe in substitutionary atonement and that our sins were given to Christ who suffered for them, and his righteousness was given to us - and therefore there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus).

What I mean is that we feel we are right with God when we do these "Christian things" or when we avoid those "worldly things." We have a modified sense of justification by works. Jesus was good for us when we became Christians - but we've outgrown him now. We understand now what we need to do or not do to be right with God. The cross is for little kids and weak people - the rest of us will get there by self-discipline - self-discipline on these "easy" external things, of course. I so long to hear a sermon on the depth of sin within our hearts from a man who truly understands his own unworthiness and dependence on God. Someone who I can say, "He understands the struggle in our hearts and is not afraid to admit it in his own - and he knows where the only hope for this is to be found." Not someone who is so externally polished that the glare is blinding - like a brand-new, polished Statue of Liberty - but who is hollow on the inside. Or, in Jesus words, "whitewashed tombs full of dead men's bones."

I'm afraid that we have much of that going on in America today, and here in my hometown, too. Sin is trivialized by men who do not know how the gospel calls them to struggle with their own sin in a life-long war, where battles are won and lost, but who bring God's standards down to attainable levels (especially levels they can attain) and then divide the world into "us" and "them."

Lord, forgive me my sins. Grant me the realization of the depth of my own sins and your power and knowledge for the struggle before me. And the understanding that I do not talk as an outsider to the human race. Open my eyes and the eyes of my brothers and sisters - for your name's sake ...

Knowledge and certainty ...

I love knowledge ... I always have. I love learning about most things, and some things I want to know as much as possible. But as I have grown older, I have had to come to the realization that life is neither simple nor containable. What I mean is that even in areas like Physics and Math - things I once thought pretty straightfoward and rather obvious - there are "higher" or "deeper" truths that are not so simple. Models are just that, and good models work a majority of the time - but not every time. As new information is found, models have to be readjusted and refined. Once the atom was thought to be the smallest unit of matter - now were down to quarks and strings and whatever the latest, deepest explanation we have is. And these models are amazingly descriptive of how things work. But they're not "simple." And the search for the grand unification theory emphasizes just how "unsimple" such a descriptive "theory of eveything" would be. There are some bits of knowledge that are "knowable" and some that are our best attempt at an explanation. But there are always new data points being added ...

The same thing is true, I think in theology. When we study God, I think we put the available data into groups - even if only in our heads - to try to make sense of it. But, since God is outside of space and time, the best we can do from the inside of the system is get general impressions of him. If he does not reveal himself in terms we can understand, we have no hope of knowing anything beyond these vague impressions. And, once you factor in that our thinking is affected by sin, we need immense humility when we approach God.

Which brings me to a bit of a complaint. There are some people for whom certainty is a virtue. Now, I don't consider myself very postmodern, and I do believe in absolute truths - but it seems as if some people want you to have a firm conviction on everything. And if you don't, that's pretty much a moral failure on your part. There are some things I think we need to have firm convictions on - things of which God has revealed enough for us to know "easily."

But some people want you to have convictions on things that are not only disputable, not only been in question for centuries by sincere christians, but also on areas that have very little direct biblical data. And, in a sense, I guess they are right. We should take the knowledge God gives us and apply it to new areas to arrive at answers our consciences affirm before God. On the other hand, the acknowledgment that some issues are hard and some are genuine matters of dispute seems to give one a humility when discussing with others that is all too lacking in some people. And, of course, by saying that, I realize that this is a point of dispute and that each should be fully convinced in his own mind, graciously submitting to one another in love. I don't talk as an outsider to the human race, and I am not an impartial observer. It's the Heienberg Uncertainty principle in action - by trying to measure a system, I inject myself into that system and both affect and am affected by it.

So, do I want to pursue knowledge? Absolutely - though humbly, so that it does not puff me up.
Do I want to be certain on some things - perhaps many things? Only insofar as there is biblical warrant to arrive at a sound conclusion and as long as I am willing to consider a new perspective or new evidence.

I want to speak truth, but I want to speak it in love.
And I don't want to confuse my opinion or my preference for God's truth.

And I am certain of that :)

Wrestling as metaphor ...

I have a friend who encouraged me to consider the connection between being a christian and being on a wrestling team. I'm transferring my ideas to the blog ...

We had a small wrestling team in high school. For whatever reason, the year we won our district and placed in the top 20 in the state, we had only about 18 guys on the team total - varsity, junior varsity, and freshman levels combined. I don't know whether it was because of the practice demands placed on us or whether it was because of personalities, but in general, it seemed that the only people who came out for the team were guys that were already good at wrestling - we had few novices. I was probably the "newest wrestler," having only 3 prior years of experience. But in any case, this has become the part of my metaphor- that to be a wrestler on this team, you have to be good.

The second part of the metaphor is the realization that this is not what God says. He does not say that to be on his team, you have to be good. Instead, he says, "Be on my team, and I'll make you good." Being a part of God's family - being part of his team - is not based on my status before I join or my performance once I'm in. Just being part of the team - showing up and listening to the coach, "allows" him the coach to shape you into the "wrestler" he has designed you to be. But he's not just any coach - he's not even just a perfect coach. He is the coach that can create something out of nothing, whose love changes us into something we were meant to be. Sure, the practices are hard, and the better you listen to the coach, the better wrestler you'll be - but isn't that rewarding? If no servant is greater than his master and one fully trained is like his master, what does that mean for the "wrestler" who sticks close to this coach? Does it not mean you will reflect him in your style? Won't you be like him in your tenacity, in your knowledge, and in your execution? As you learn the basics from him, won't you be able to improvise in new situations on the fly as the occur "in the match?"

This coach is the coach who will not reject any who come to him - no matter what their current level! This is the coach who can take a blob of clay - actually, who can create the blob of clay - and form it, through whatever processes he chooses into a work of art. This coach is like a master artist who is not limited by the raw material he starts with.

The point is not, reach a certain level and you can be on his team. the point is that if you join his team, he will take you to levels you do not dream of ...

The beauty is the God won't kick you off his team. As long as you keep coming out to practice, he'll work with you and in you - even if you are the slowest learner around ...

Coach will take you if you are a good wrestler ...
God will take you and make you a great wrestler ...

Whose team would you want to be on?

What do I want?

To modify a quote from a favorite teacher, "All I want is a fully sanctified wife, fully sanctified children, and fully sanctified people all around me who do not cause me trouble or pain and always understand me where I am in the moment and say and do the perfect thing to make me happy."

That's all. Is that too much to ask?

But that is a horrific statement, and one that I now realize is based on a worldview that is false and destructive. My life must be bigger than my life or it is pitiful. My life cannot be all about me. But there it is, in my heart, that desire to have my fantasy come true - and who ever fantasizes about being told no or failing at the task or going unnoticed? Someday everything will be put right - but not right according to my plans, but according to His. And that includes me. I'm not right. My view on the world is skewed. My thoughts are not pure, and my actions are not true. As much as I want to think they are, they have huge, gaping holes in them. Not because I'm worse than you or John down the street, but because I fall so short of a Holy God. And there is no hope to make them right in myself.

But, because I am God's child by His grace, He will not give up on me. He will continue the process despite my resistence - for my resistence is part of the problem. Why do I resist such love for me? Why do I resist the wisdom of the creator of the universe who designed how things work and wants my best? Not my best as in health and wealth - no, something far greater. All of us will die, and all wealth will be given to others one way or another. Something far more precious than that - my eternal best. To be what I was created to be and have joy and satisfaction in that. To see God, to know Him, and to love Him - to run on Him as a perfectly tuned Ferrari runs on high-tech gasoline. But so much more than that.

And because God is true, because he is faithful, because he is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good, whatever He takes me through is for my ultimate benefit. And that includes the bad stuff. Don't get me wrong - I have no desire to hurt or suffer loss or be in pain. I flee from those things as everyone else does - maybe worse.

Maybe it's like when I was 7 and had to get my toe operated on. I had horrendous ingrown toenails at that age. My "toenail beds" grew nails with little "barbs" every once in a while that dug into the surrounding skin as they grew, causing infection. I had to get the sides of my toenails removed. If I remember correctly, over the years, I had 5 of these operations done on three sides. I was told the operations only fail "one out of a thousand times." If I believe that statement and do my math right, that makes my toes one in a million ... but I'm on a bit of a rabbit trail. The point is that when I had to have my toe "blocked" with novacaine, the four shots were very intense for me at 7. Whether that was because my toe was infected, or because I was so young, I developed an absolute hyper-fear of needles. But, ultimately, that pain was good - in fact it saved my from far worse pain in the moment and in the long run. But that doesn't comfort a 7 year old. When I was in the hospital for yet another toe operation, it took a doctor and two nurses to hold me down as an 11-year old. When I was a sophomore in high school, I talked the doctor into not stitching my split-open chin, all because of this fear. As I got older, shots became more frequent, but the pain lessened. I doin't know why that is really, but my theory is that as I go through life and experience true pain (i.e. the pain of losing someone, the pain of dreams going unfulfilled, etc.) the pain of these needles just isn't as big as it used to be. The pain also paled in comparison to the joy of falling in love, getting married, and having children. I don't know which of these things is more important - the experience of greater pain or the experience of greater joys - to the fading of pain, but they both play a part.

And so, as I continue to live in this world as a fallen man living among fallen people, the pains I experience give me a better perspective on the things I thought were so bad. And the joys give me hope that no matter how bad the pain, there will be better days. And so, I can know live not as a disgruntled man whose world fails to live up to his expectations, but as a loved child on a journey to a far better place whose joys will far outshine the deepest pain we have now. Therefore, as I live with my wife and my kids and with you, I remember what has been done for me and how the Lord is patient and working for my good and preparing me to live with Him forever. So if I have to go through pain caused by others, I want to do so willingly. For their sake. And for His.

A glorious and dreadful day approaches ...

It's been a little while again since I posted. Life has been busy, to say the least. Tonight I have a meeting to coordinate, but I don't have much motivation to invest more time. It is hard to do that when people assume they know your motives - and often you only hear from the ones who assume the worst - and there is little hope of persuading them otherwise. I was actually approached by someone who said basically, "I know how these things work. Tell me the truth - isn't ____ really going on?"

Now, as much as I try to explain that ____ is truly not the case, they have it in their mind that I am taking some official stance. I don't know how to convince someone who is so suspicious - it seems like the only thing that would satisfy him was, "Yup, you're right" - but it simply is not true.

But far more disappointing is the lack of involvement of some people within the group. I am a firm believer in the concept of group wisdom, the concept of teamwork, and the concept of sharing the burdens according to giftedness rather than titles. But many people are not. When you don't agree on this fundamental level, what do you do? Do you break away and start another organization? Do you find another organization with those values? Or do you stay and fight for change from the inside?

What do you do? I would have given up a long time ago if it were not for the fact that I believe God has me here for a reason. I have started to think and pray about other opportunities, but until I believe it is God's will for me to move on, I feel like I must keep on persevering.

How do you deal with people who are not only not perfect, but downright unlikeable at times? I know I don't speak as an outsider, so I'm including myself. I guess what I would want is for people to talk with me (not at me) about their concerns, but do it in such a way that it is not draining on the energy with which I serve. It's tough to deal with nit-pickers - no matter how many times the quote "It's the little foxes that spoil ..." Especially when they come up with no new ideas themselves and don't have a clue to how they suck the air right out of a room. But what do you do when someone is unwilling to hear hard things, when someone is so convinced they're right that to criticize them is to have joined the enemy?

I'm so tired of people into power. I just read a disheartening article about one of the guys I liked to occasionally read about on the web. He apparently has switched course and rejects the idea of a multiplicity of counselors - to oppose him is to be fired. Lord, what a mess we are making of your church. Please change us so that we stop devouring each other. We think too highly of ourselves and we forget we arfe servants, not kings. Woe to us if we think and act otherwise ...

Someday, when all the thoughts and motives are laid bare, what shame we will have for how our hearts chased after other things besides you. All praise to you, though, that we are not accepted by you on the basis of works, but on the faith we have in your Son ...

What a glorious and dreadful day that will be!