Lowering the standard for legalists

Once again, my perfectionistic mindset has wreaked havoc on my day. How can I possibly have God's favor when I keep committing the same sins over and over? There are times when I feel so strong, and other when I feel so weak. I've read enough from other people to realize that I probably have it backwards - when I feel strong, I'm probably most vulnerable. It just seems that I trip so easily on things when I feel weak. I guess it's really not right to say I feel weak. I don't feel anything in particular - except the desire I want to fulfill. It's only afterwards that the shame comes. But I trust the Lord when he says that when we ask forgiveness, he is faithful and true for His name's sake. And I marvel again ...

But I was thinking about my long history of perfectionism and legalism and wondered why it has such a strong hold on me. I don't think I am alone on this. In fact, being a rather black-or-white person, I tend to see myself as either living right or failing. And, in an absolute sense, that's true. But the gospel allows me to live a bit more in the gray - I have been forgiven, justified, and set upon a course of steady growth (of God's doing) called sanctification. I am not, praise God, what I once was. And I am not yet what I will be one day. I am somewhere in the gray zone between those two points. But for a long time, I oscillated between legalism (my "preferred" option) and saying it just doesn't matter how one lives - it's all by grace. Neither option was satisfying, but I saw no other option.

As my world regains "shades of gray" (not talking situational ethics, but rather transformation from the dark of night to day), I am on the lookout for things to help me with such struggles. One resource I found today is at http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/AskPastorJohn/ByTopic/51/2916_Should_we_teach_that_good_works_come_with_saving_faith/

Here, Dr. Piper speaks of how many of us hear the gospel and hear that good works are an "inevitable" product of true faith, and conclude that it really is all about works after all.

I would add perhaps to it by saying that there are many of us, including some preachers, who deal with the same dilemma I found myself - am I "doing good" and therefore OK with God, or have I messed up again, throwing everything into question - including whether I am truly one of God's. Sometimes, I believe, we talk and think and act like God made it possible through Jesus to accept a "lower standard" of good works to make us right with Him. Now, we don't worry about the impossible things like complete purity of thought, motive, and deed - instead we institute new standards of our own making ... avoiding things like smoking, dancing, and playing cards, or doing things like attending every church function whenever the doors are open, ritual prayers, dressing a certain way, speaking in Christianese, and checking off our duties as we give, sing, and sit.

We are legalistic, just as much as those who claim to live up to the demands of the law. We're just "smart" legalists who recognize the futility of that and make up instead our own lists. But maybe we're worse off, for we "can" actually reach our made-up standards. What would it take to wake us up then?

Trust Jesus?

I was recently listening to someone speak who urged the listening audience to "Trust Jesus. Just Trust Him. Trust Him and He won't let you down." Now, all of that is true. People should trust Jesus and He will not let you down, but this was done in an evangelistic, or at least a potentially mixed audience, setting. I hate to say this, but it dawned on me that we have become slightly like used car salesman, politicians, and ad agencies.

Now, I don't want to be offensive. Consider, though, what it sounds like to someone who either doesn't know Jesus or has a negative impression of Him. You aren't explaining who He is, what He has done, why He is trustworthy, or even why we should care about trusting Him in the first place. You're trying to sell an unknown "product" to a world that doesn't know they need Him. It's one thing to do this in a Christianized society - though I wonder if we were really as thoroughly Christianized as some histories say - but it's another to do this when the average person has no experience learning about Jesus.

There is nothing magical about the words "trust" and "Jesus" - they may mean different things to different people, anyway. The words only communicate when people know what you mean by them. Now, I'm not getting postmodern - those words have real meanings, and they are not so malleable that they mean anything you want them to - but we need to have more than a missile oriented approach.

People need to know who Jesus is and why He came. If they don't see their need, Jesus is at best, a secondary life issue - and perhaps no better than other religious leaders. If they understand who God is and who they are, their need will, or at least should, become the most pressing issue in their life. If they understand their dire situation before a Holy God, only then will they see Jesus as the solution and treasure of their life.

Trust Jesus? Absolutely. But tell them what you mean by that. It's not a 10-second conversation, though, and you must genuinely care about the person in front of you ...

Capital letters ...

I just wanted to note here that I normally use capital letters for pronouns referring to any person of the Trinity. I do this somewhat out of respect, I guess (though I do not think God is disrespected by using lower case letters - they are only a language convention), but more so that it is clear when a pronoun refers to God. I have found some sentences from other works to be very confusing because there are so many "he"s and too many possible objects to refer to.

I'm not entirely consistent with it, but I try to be. And I just thought I'd let you know ...

Motivate by fear, guilt, or love?

As I was driving, I was thinking about some of the sermons I have heard recently that impacted me. Lately, I have been drawn to those that speak most directly of Christ (as opposed to mere moralism with a call to accept Christ tacked on) - elaborating on his Glory, expounding on his love for sinners, and explaining what he has done for us. It has become such an astounding source of comfort and motivation that I have come to dislike teaching that centers only on fear or guilt. This may be a phase in my growth as a Christian, I don't know, but it feels like a great shift to me.

I was a performance-oriented person - actually, I still am, but to a lesser degree - who felt the crushing weight of the law, of being sinful before a Holy God. There was certainly an element of fear in my first coming to Christ. Fear of what was waiting for me if I stood naked before a Holy God. There was also guilt - guilt over things I had done that could never really be put right, and guilt over things I should have done but didn't.

These things - fear and guilt - did motivate me. At first, to try to be better, and then to despair of my efforts. They were condemning and crushing. But then, at some of my lowest points came the realization of the truth that I did in fact believe Christ is who He said he was, and that I had no other hope but Him. But then, astonishingly, I found that he was not interested in a slave, but a son! He did not want to condemn me for my past, but bore the condemnation for it himself! There really was no more condemnation for those in Christ! To learn and to see how filthy I was, and yet how much greater His love - from what world does such love come from? Certainly not this one ...

Christ's love is so much more motivating than even the Holy Fear and Holy Guilt I felt. Fear and guilt were good for driving me to the cross, and they were somewhat effective in keeping me from great sin. But, they did little to motivate me to act sacrificially and they didn't help with those little pesky sins that dog us all. I would even go so far as to say that fear and guilt can make us conform, but only love empowers us to suffer for another. To choose to suffer unjustly for the sake of another is truly Christ-like, and utterly beyond the normal nature of man. To suffer unjustly for a long time, without complaining or boasting? That would be truly other-worldly.

Now, I don't want to suffer. I especially don't want to suffer in the way of watching loved ones suffer. I don't want to ever have anything catastrophic happen to my kids. Or my wife. God is sovereign, and he does sometimes call his people to suffer that way, and, in that, I fear. I know intellectually that His will is always best, and that nothing better could happen than his plan. But I shudder at the thoughts I have like this ...

If God should call me to suffer like this - and I pray wholeheartedly that He does not - the only thing that will get me through this is His love. It won't be fear of Him, as irreverent as that sounds, and it won't be guilt - like knowing I shouldn't feel such things. Those motivations would fall to the ground, I suspect, like a broken piece of costume jewelry - fancy-looking, but relatively worthless. It is only His love that could sustain me through such a time.

And if it is only love that could get me through such a time, it is only love that can truly motivate on an every-day basis. It is only understanding His Glory and His Joy from with His love that can sustain me day to day. I think that's why Christian fads appear. We all know we need something to sustain us. Some believe it's excitement. Some novelty. Some discipline. And some just resign themselves that life must go from extreme highs to extreme lows. But I wonder ... what if people were given a steady diet of the Glory of God and His love for them? The denial of ourselves, and the complete embracing of Him. What if ...

1 John 3:1a

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

Today I was with a group of people discussing this section of scripture. I encouraged them to slow down and consider each phrase, even every word, in this section. We often speed right by such precious words without a second thought.

To think that God lavishes his love on us - how many of us would use that word to describe how we think God acts towards us? I know that I would not have naturally chosen such a word - not that I thought that God was stingy with his love, but perhaps it is best captured by being "appropriate" in His love. I could see perhaps how God could love us the way we all love those distant relatives who are obnoxious and self-centered, yet still part of the family. Or perhaps that God would love us, but not want to "spoil" us or go overboard in his public display of affection. But instead, John tells us that God lavishes his love on us - he pours it out overflowing, uninhibited, and unashamed. Someone brought up the illustration they read about the frosting on a cake - most of us would put a moderate amount, maybe more than is absolutely necessary to cover the surface, but still a "reasonable" amount. But to "lavish" icing is to take multiple containers and just put it on as thick as you can, with no regard to cost, "normal cakes," or the mess it makes. To think that we are like the cake sitting there with God pouring out his love upon us is truly beyond explanation. None of us deserve it, and none of us can reciprocate it.

For God to do such a thing for me - a great sinner, blind to my own need, dead in ability to desire God, and deserving only of punishment - well, who can reject such love? Especially when your rejection of it does not lessen it. Instead, God loves you so much as to change you from the inside, to change your desires, to change who you are so that you do see, dimly perhaps, but seeing Him nonetheless as desirable.

What does this great love do for us? Nothing less than change our identity. No longer are we Americans or Germans, or Ethiopians, or computer programmers, or teachers, or sinners, or thieves, or liars - no, instead we are "children of God!" This is not the abused phrase that people sometimes use in reference to humanity in general, but of something far more personal. We now become adopted into God's family! He becomes our identity, our defining point. No longer are we those other things we use to designate ourselves - we are children of God, co-heirs with Christ, one day to be made like Him when we see Him. Everything else becomes something secondary - I am no longer an American, but a "little Christ" who happens to live in America. I am no longer a liar, but a "Christian" who sometimes stumbles into lying. I am no longer a teacher, but a Child of God skillfully disguised as one who teaches. I am His.

Who am I to be called a child of God? No one. Less than no one - I should be called an enemy of God. But God has lavished his love upon me and so I am now His child. Nothing can change that. And my dad isn't finished with me, but knows the plans he has for me. One day, though, I'll be like Him.

Time slips by ...

Wow, it's been almost two weeks since I last posted. I knew I did not post last week, as I was in California for a wedding ... Life continues to dissipate as a vapor ...

How do we mark time i such a way that we are more conscious of its passing? The sun rises and sets on one day so fast - how can we make ourselves realize the preciousness of these days without becoming obsessed or depressed with their passing? How do we number our days?

I am approaching middle age ... well, perhaps I am middle age, but close enough to its beginning that I can deny it a bit in my mind ... or maybe I'm still considered youth by others ... I don't know.

I do not know the day of my death, but I know who does. It could be today, tomorrow or 50 years from now. Worrying about it can not extend my life by a single minute, though I want to live long ... If I live to be 75, I will have lived 27,375 days - over half of which have already passed. 27 thousand days seems like a lot -enough in fact, to waste a few with little consequence. Yet 27 thousand dollars is not a ton of money today, and 27 thousand fans at a baseball game is not near capacity for most major league stadiums. 27 thousand grains of sand is probably much less than a bucketful, and 27 thousand seconds is 7.6 hours. Twenty-seven thousand days is not much time - especially when compared to eternity. In fact, compared to eternity, 27 thousand is less than the equivalent of one grain of sand to all the beaches in all the world. But during that grain of time, relationships are made, character is developed, and a destiny is reaped.

So, though two weeks slipped by like bathwater down a drain, important things happened. I went to California and interacted with family at a wedding, worshipped the Lord at a Church in Los Angeles, read books, enjoyed some attractions, and invested my time in my immediate family. I did not make the time to post, though much happened that caused me to reflect. The Lord is good to bring things in my life that cause me to see where my allegiances lie in "the moments" of life. There were times of joy, times of satisfaction, times when the opinions of others were to influential, and times when my desires ruled.

How much I need a savior to save me from myself - and to enlarge my life beyond the boundaries of "me!" My life is not bound to those 27,375 days (or whatever it actually turns out to be), but instead bound to the eternal God and Father through Christ, who gives meaning far beyond these years on earth. I am not what I do, I am not what I don't do - I am defined by my relationship to God. I am a "little Christ" by His grace - a fellow partaker of His nature, an adopted son, a member of His family. Time slips by - but I am in His hand ...

Why it is good to see the depth of our sin ...

The questions we ponder are vital because they represent where "the rubber meets the road" in our life. Good theology is essential, but unless you begin to process it and reflect on it, it adds little value to your life. I have been "chewing the cud" on the uglyness of my sin and the glory of our Savior and wanted to say a couple of things, primarily from my experience and the path God has brought me on thus far. So, here goes ....

It is good to focus on our sin

• because we think more highly of ourselves than we ought
• because we don't understand the depth of our need of Christ
• because we tend to reduce our concept of sin to things we personally don't struggle with but see other do
• because we tend to trivialize sin to just the big, obvious sins of adultery, murder (abortion), or violence
• because we tend as a larger community to make up our own standards of sin - smoking, drinking, dancing, length of hair, wearing anything but a suit to church, having our kids in public school, no facial hair, not hunting animals, or failing to "do church" the way we prefer - that have little or nothing to do with the life God to which calls his people
• because we often become complacent in our "goodness" and slip into self-righteousness, looking down upon others
• because we need to know how hard the struggle against sin really is if we are going to help another person grow in Christ to overcome their tenacious sin
• it tends to kill pride

It is good, when we see the depth of our sin, to focus on Christ

• because we see our utterly helpless condition and His great love for us
• because we see that this is not just actions that can be blindly reconditioned, but goes to the very core of our being in what we treasure, long for, desire, and believe
• because He is our only hope
• because we must despair of our ability to stand before God as a "basically good person" and throw ourselves completely on the grace of Christ freely offered
• because we must see ourselves as unprofitable servants of the Most High, dependent on Him for the smallest ability to help another
• because sins, whether "respectable" or "despicable" still deserve the wrath of God for eternity
• because we must learn to love one another through our sins, deferring to one another, putting aside preferences, and considering others more than we consider ourselves
• because we dare not reduce the gospel to mere respectable behavior, but know the depth and Glory of it so that our exuberance for it is not contrived, but flows out of a truly grateful heart
• because God calls us to wage war on sin, and we do not have the strength for the battle in ourselves - but Christ does, and He lives in us
• because humility, being poor in spirit, being crushed, being contrite, being repentant, and being meek are traits that God values in people he aids

When we see that sin is so wretched and dark, and we see that it is in us, we long for the light freely given. When we understand the truth about ourselves, and then understand what God has done for us, there is no other response that is appropriate but love, gratefulness, humility, thankfulness, joy, peace, and awe. We will want to be patient with others as we understand how the Lord is patient with us. We will want to be kind because he has been kind. We will want to be gentle because he has been gentle with us. We will grow in self-control as the Spirit grows us to see what He has done on our behalf.

In short, it seems that to fail to note the depth of our sin and our struggle with it - and the depth of Christ's love and His victory over sin and death and His provision for the struggle - leaves us with a stunted capability of love for the Lord. In Luke 7, we see Jesus being anointed by a "sinful woman." The parable he tells points to the fact that those who have a greater debt cancelled, love the person who forgave the debt more. It's not so much that the "sinful woman"s sins were so much worse than the pharisees or ours, but that she knew how sinful she was. The Pharisees thought they were basically good people, not in desperate need of help - so they loved Jesus little. This woman knew she had no hope but Christ's mercy, so when he freely forgave her, her response was one of deep, unashamed love. And that seems like such a great place to be that it is worth struggling with the depth of our sin and the filthiness of our "righteousness" before God.

It is not just looking into the deep, dark stench of a well that our sin is, but that from within the well, we see the gloriousness of the rescue of our souls by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The darker the darkness, the more stunning the light is in comparison.

Speaking Truth in Love

This is a thought I return to frequently ... in a way, it has become my favorite self-correcting phrase ...

Speaking truth in love. I have heard others speak on this concept, and I have pondered it many times. It helps me center myself when dealing with a difficult person and when I am dealing with someone I don't want to hurt.

Without truth, love becomes mere sentiment - a "go, I wish you well" outlook on the world that is not offensive, but has little real value. Love without truth becomes cruel, saying I care about you but I will not help you - because I want you to be "happy" being yourself. Frankly, I need help to keep me from becoming my own downfall. If you love me, you'll get involved in my life - especially when I am on a destructive path.

Without love, truth becomes callous and hardened, uncaring, and destructive - putting demands on us, but offering no help to us to meet those demands. Truth is like a reinforced concrete bunker, impervious even to the radiation of an atomic blast. It is real, but it offers nothing to those who fail ...

Ah, but truth in love ... that is balm to the soul, help to the weak, rest to the weary, and comfort to the afflicted. In some respects, not dissimilar to the structure of a human being. Truth is the hard reality that gives shape to our life, but it is not bare. It is instead surrounded by a layer of flesh, of warmth and softness and strength that cover the starkness of the truth into something more familiar, more attractive ... a person.

To speak truth in love seems to be the highest goal a human being has for his interactions with others. To speak truth into their life in such a way that they receive it, that they see its beauty, and that they see its value. To speak truth patiently, kindly, to look to the interest of others before your own, and to not have your own agenda is to love. To speak in such a way that truth is received and recognized for what it is, a precious gem or a light that guides your path for your benefit. This is what it means to speak the truth in love.

God himself has spoken. I believe He has spoken through His Word and through His Son. Jesus is the Truth. God is Love. What He does, he does for ultimate goodness. We don't have Jesus here before us today, and though God's invisible qualities are apparent in creation, they don't give us enough. We need to see, in our mind's eye, Jesus as the embodiment of Love and Truth, sent from the Father to us. We can look to others as living embodiments of His image, but that image is marred, impure, and dim. We see Him through faith, to be sure, but not just faith in faith, or faith for its own sake or faith in fables or cunningly devised tales. Instead we see Jesus as He is by God's Word. If God Himself does not tell us what He is like, we are lost. If God Himself did not preserve the record of his coming, we would have clue. We are at His Mercy - to have patience with us, to have pity on us, to condescend to come down to us. We need his benevolence to take the next breath.

Truth in love. Christ is the model. He did not compromise truth, yet spoke appropriately to people to give them what they needed, in order to accomplish His purposes in the moment. He drew people to himself, though he often offended some. He attracted the weak, the suffering, and the powerless, yet did not spurn the strong, the proud, and the powerful. He confronted all of them on occasions with their sin and their need for Him.

He was not interested in a show, nor did he try to accumulate political power. He called the greatest in His Kingdom to serve others. He turned the world's values upside-down. He did not compromise himself, yet he did not bow to political correctness. He honored God above men, yet did not needlessly offend. He piqued the interest of Roman officials and of prostitutes. He spoke to people and they immediately left home and livelihood to follow Him. He is not safe, but He is good.

Truth in Love. Truth and Love in action. Two legs of a runner spreading the Good News to the ends of the Earth ...

Living life in the "already - not yet"

Yesterday, I found myself in a discussion about change in our lives - both before and after we become a Christian. It's something that for whatever reason, is hard for us to figure out. We spend much time outwardly conforming to the external standards and demands placed upon us, without inner change taking place. One example is the wearing of suits. I find little basis for judging someone's spirituality or even professionalism on whether they wear a suit or not. I know some fine people who wear suits, and some people who wear suits who I wouldn't trust with a quarter. I know some people who are skilled - both with people and their area of expertise - who wear shorts and t-shirts everywhere. There does not seem to be a correlation of skill or "spirituality" with the clothes one wears. Personally, I am much more comfortable in jeans or shorts and I wear them whenever I can. But, I have had some people come up to me and let me know that they do consider dress a mark of spirituality and professionalism. I've tried to persuade a couple of people otherwise, but they get offended. At the same time, I don't want to unnecessarily offend others, so it is just easier for me at times to wear the suit ... but sometimes I feel like we have elevated the "whitewashed tombs full of dead men's bones" to be a social virtue. I'm more interested to know what is in someone's heart than what they wear ...

In a similar way, there is change that is purely external. It's the type of change that often comes from fear or powerlessness. If someone has the ability to make your life unpleasant, you will probably find a way to modify your behavior in order to avoid suffering. But it doesn't really change you on the inside. You have found a way to conform and avoid attention, but inwardly you know that your desire is to do otherwise. This inward change is something that rarely happens - and to have your desires line up with Christ's? That's truly a supernatural change. People who have not recognized Christ as Lord of the universe have some other person or idea as the defining influence in their life - and it's usually self. We live for our own agenda, for our own pleasure, for our own values, and for our own preservation.

When someone begins to trust Christ alone for their life, a change begins to occur at the deepest level - no more do we see self on the throne as the ultimate experience. When we are brought to life by Christ, we believe and are justified. We are declared "righteous" in the heavenly court because of the grand exchange. Our sin is given to Christ, who bears the punishment for them. And His righteousness is given to us - all the goodness of Christ is credited to our legal account. Because of this, we are accepted and adopted in God's family instead of being condemned as the rebellious enemies of God that we are. So, legally, our status has permanently changed. We are adopted sons and daughters of the Most High. We have been given every heavenly blessing in Christ and we are seated "in the heavenlies" with Him. We are fully forgiven and there is therefore now no condemnation for those in Christ!

And yet ... we still sin. Not just in the things we do. Not just by not doing the things we should. But in our very attitudes, desires, and thoughts. The inner life that often - but not always - works its way out to our actions. So if we are a new creature in Christ, capable of great change through the Spirit, why do we still struggle? Because we are still not yet what we will be. One day, those who have been justified (declared righteous) - those who in the power of the Spirit have grown in Christ-likeness (progressive sanctification) - when we see Him, we will be like Him. However God chooses to consummate our sanctification and glorification, we will be like Christ! It is a guaranteed conclusion because of what Christ has done. His final victory in us has been purchased, guaranteed, and won.

So, we are already part of His family, already seated in the heavenly places, already made perfect in Christ - but we are not yet there, not yet what we will be, and not yet free from the effects of sin. We are already all of those things promised to us, but we have not yet been given the full extent of the gift.

Thu, we have the ability to grow, the need to grow, the desire to grow, and the guarantee that we will grow - never fully reaching perfection this side of the grave. One day, though, we will be like Christ...

Deadlines ...

Why is it that I seem to work better to a deadline? I am seemingly able to focus better and make decisions about priority easier. I believe I focus better, perhaps because of the adrenaline that pumps into my system as the deadline approaches.

I'd like to be able to pace myself reasonably and put in work over a period of time. I used to run cross country, so I understand that if you always go all out from the start, you rarely run the best race you are capable of. I also know that things happen unexpectedly and you cannot expect people to always extend grace because of your own lack of planning ... what was that sign I saw, "Your lack of planning doesn't make this my emergency ..."

What is it about my heart? Is it a love of leisure? Is it a love of my own wants? Why can't I see at the beginning the way I so often feel at the end - that this might have been able to be done better and thereby glorify God more, but I'm out of time. And yet, perhaps that's my perfectionism sneaking through once again. Maybe it's my almost compulsive need to do everything so that others don't criticize. How do I come to grips with the fact that I just cannot do everything I want - especially to the level I want to do it? That seems like accepting mediocrity ...

And yet, to always demand the best result you could produce may be placing an idol of performance on my personal altar. Does everything need to be done with such precision? I get so frustrated when I do dishes by hand (the dishwasher is truly a marvelous thing) because I don't stop unless there is absolutely no visible defect in the condition of the plate. My wife has grown to take pity on me after years of marriage - what she does in 10 or 15 minutes takes me almost an hour ... Why is that? What is this need for control or certainty?

Like everything else, though there may be influences in my life (my past, my disposition, my environment), ultimately I am responsible for the choices I make, for the things I desire, and for the things I allow to come before my relationship with God.

If God calls me to serve Him in such a way that I can only spend 5 minutes washing dishes, I need to either come up with a way to get them clean in that amount of time (without obsessing over them) or hand off that responsibility to another. To spend more time washing dishes if He has called me to something else is to fall short - to sin. It is not my reputation at stake - who am I anyway - but His. It is not my agenda, desires, or preferences, but His.

And He loves me. And He loves others. And He can run the universe just fine without me. So, if he calls me to do something quicker or in a different time period than I would prefer, it is best. He made me - he knows my gifts and limitations. So, whatever His purpose may be - including to humble me by failing at my task - it is better for me and those around me if I stop trying to do things my way and conform to His plan for me.

Help me Lord, to see how I can use my time wisely, my energy wisely, and leave the evaluation of the task You set before me to You as well. I may claim to be interested in Your glory when in reality, I have my reputation in mind. Help me to see the task you have for me in this moment, and leave the bigger plan to you. Someday, when all is revealed, I may be shocked to see how many "good" things I passed up because I wanted those dishes to be "squeaky clean."

Sunny Days, part 2

I'm sitting outside, underneath some shade, on a beautiful day. It's 80 degrees with clear, blue skies, a light breeze, and all the plants around me a luscious shade of green. It's one of those days you feel were made for worship. Most of the world might worship the creation on such a day, but it is far more magnificent to ponder the creator on such a day. Of course, He is no less the creator of the dark, dreary days of winter, and they have purpose in showing Him forth, too. For one thing, without those days, days like today would be taken for granted. It makes one wonder what this world would be like without the effects of sin ...

The wind is right now gently rustling the leaves on the maple tree here, and it has the same sort of sound that a wave on a beach has - that white noise that somehow is soothing. The faint sounds of dozens of birds in the distance. There's a plane going by now, and though it is a man-made intrusion on the natural beauty, it is off in the distance to the point where it, too, adds only a small rumble to the audial masterpiece that surrounds me.

There's a song with a line I like to ponder occasionally - that God "could have made the world black and white, and we'd have never known" the joy we were missing of color. Why did God grant us the enjoyment of color or sound or smells or even touch? Somehow all these things let us know Him better. His depth is so far above our own that the infinite colors we have, the tones of sound we can distinguish, the combination of smells that can be enjoyed only scratch at the surface of how enjoyable He is. God has truly showered His blessings upon this world, although we deserve nothing from Him but wrath. People who scoff at His existence or even directly oppose Him are still given the benefits common to us all. This is some of what it means to love your enemy ...

Unfortunately, all too often, I do not even love my friends like this. I get annoyed too quickly, exasperated too soon, discouraged too often, and angry when my agenda is not being served. I certainly don't look for ways to bless them at all times - and if they took it for granted or even opposed me, I would feel justified in letting them know it. But that's not the way of Christ. I wish I could love in such a way that I was quick to bless in spite of cursing. Maybe I'm better in this area than I was, but I feel like someone scaling the Sears Towers and using everything I have to reach the second floor ...

How can I be a man after God's own heart - a man who blesses even his enemies with the gift of seeing color, hearing sounds and so forth? What does it look like for me to deny myself in the moments where all I am conscious of is my violated rights? or, worse yet, wants?

Lord, give me your wisdom to know what to do, your strength to do what you call me to do, and your peace not to judge it by the earthly outcome ...

When you are misunderstood ...

What do you do when you are misunderstood?



I try to help clear up people's apparent misconceptions of me. My reputation must not be tarnished and my pride fed, so of course I must set the person straight. It's all about me after all. My reputation is so valuable that I must keep it clean at all costs. I'm never wrong, either, so I have to help others see that ...



Ugh... even when I'm joking about it (ok, maybe there's more truth there than I want to admit), it turns my stomach. Why is it that I can get so much in the way of myself? Why do I need to be in view at all? It's because I worship something or someone other than Christ - namely, me! And those times where I'm not worshipping me, I worship you - my fear of man issues rearing their ugly head again! My reputation is not without tarnish, first of all, and second, my reputation is not worth defending at all costs - maybe not at any cost. It's not because I'm so bad (though I fall short in every area), but because Christ is so good! It is His reputation that is worth upholding, His Glory upheld. I am not supposed to bein the business of self-justification. I am His and I serve His purposes - whether I choose to or not. He will get the Glory in my Christ-likeness and He will get the Glory in disciplining me in my sin. Fortunately for me, God has chosen to get Glory in forgiving my sin, justifying me, and adopting me into His family - if not, He would have received Glory in justly condemning me in my sin to an eternal punishment. God gets His glory from sinners - though he takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked - but it makes a difference to this sinner how He gets His glory in me ...



So, what I would like to do, when I am misunderstood, is to be ready and willing to live with that, should the Lord call me to such. To be able to put down arms, physically or verbally, and allow Him to defend His honor as He sees fit. I am far too tarnished to believe my motives are always true blue, anyway.



Being misunderstood attacks me at weak points, and I don't hold up very well to such attacks at times. I pray that the Lord will help me to continue letting go of my reputation, that I would not become defensive or prideful about it - but I also pray that I do nothing to tarnish His reputation. No one wants to be misunderstod ... but God calls us to serve and die to ourselves.

Writing out prayers, part 2

I decided to post the text of my prayer for some context. I wrote this for use on Memorial Day, 2008 (someone else preached)

Sermon text: Matthew 22:34-40

“Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

______________________________

Thanksgiving
(Ad-lib about Memorial Day and those veterans who have sacrificed and are sacrificing for our freedoms and our country.)

Praise
Psalm 77 – READ

Confession
Forgive us for trivializing sin – not just that we take known sin lightly in our own lives, but that we have failed to see the depth of our sin. For you who said “Do not murder” told us that to hate in your heart is murder. You who said “do not commit adultery” said that lust in one’s heart is adultery. Sin is not just the things we do and the things we don’t do, but it permeates the very thoughts of our hearts, the desires and motives we have. We lower the bar only for ourselves, yet judge others swiftly. We point at “them” and thank you that we are not like they are – just like the Pharisee did as he looked down at the tax collector. We speak “Christianese” and eat Christian cookies and wear Christian underwear and huddle together, sheltered from the world - but we miss your heart by a mile! Father, too often we are like those you condemned as “whitewashed tombs” – looking good on the outside but full of dead men’s bones! We have allowed style to become a substitute for substance. Lord, forgive us of our cultural Christianity that only allows those who are like us to find a place at our table, where we fear those who are different and those who do not do everything the way we prefer. If you died to redeem someone, who are we to say that we do not want these “new people” to come in and change “our church?” Forgive us, Father of so much pride and hate towards others.

Father, we have failed to love you as we ought. We have allowed other things to come before you. We have allowed even church activities to become a substitute for you. We do not lift you up to one another in your splendor and Glory that we might gaze upon you – instead, we bark rules at one another, quick to point out to others where they fail. We devour one another and shoot our own wounded and let Satan roar in laughter at the way we relate to one another. Perhaps worse yet, because we reduce the relationship we have with you to just duty, obedience and rules, others do not see you as the Supreme Treasure of our lives that you should be! There is no reason in us that we should be yours!
Father, without your action on our behalf, we would truly be without hope, waiting only for your Holy, Righteous and True Wrath. Forgive us Father. Give us hearts that long for you above all else, and hearts that are responsive to your Spirit. Help us not to judge one another according to our standards and the way we think things should be. We are your people, the sheep of your pasture and this is your church.

Supplication
You know our needs – there is nothing we can tell you or even think that you don’t already know. But you tell us to bring our concerns to you and lay them at your feet. We trust you – help us to grow in our trust. Your answer is always best. We are hurting Lord, sometimes even by our own hand …
Perhaps there is a man or woman here today who told their spouse they no longer love them
Perhaps there is a mother with a child that has shut her out of their life
Perhaps there is a man who just doesn’t know what to do next and death is beginning to look like a good thing
Perhaps there are others with private pain but who put on masks of smiles to come to church who long for someone with answers to their questions – or maybe just someone who cares enough to listen
Others are out of work. Still others are battling potentially fatal diseases. Many of us have relatives who do not know you, and our hearts weep in agony at what awaits them if they do not come to you.
Lord, I know each person here needs you. I need you. Not the caricature we build of you – the safe and easy God who serves our dreams - but you in fullness and reality. You are the only hope for the unloved spouse, for the shut-out mother, for the man in despair, for those with private pain, and for everyone. You are the only hope for the unloving spouse, the unloving daughter, and for those who hurt others. And you are my only hope.
We ask you to watch over our graduates. Draw them to yourself. Help them to see past our hypocrisy and shortcomings to see you for who you are – and that they might fall in love with you above all else! Let our graduates see you in such a way as to make everything else this world has to offer seem like rubbish in comparison. Let Sarah, Trisha, Michael, Tim, Abby, Brendan, Phillip, Erica, Katie, Craig, and Nikki all treasure you above all else – that they may follow you all the days of their lives.
This list of our concerns is long – but you know every detail of every situation. You never sleep, get busy, get tired, or have something better to do, but somehow you are able to give full attention to the millions of prayers being prayed this morning. We do not pray to give you new information, nor to bend you to our will. We do not pray to you as a vending machine, nor do we pray in a certain way - dotting our I’s and crossing our T’s - in order to earn your answer to us. No, we come to you as a beloved child sitting in his daddy’s lap, perhaps all muddy from playing outside, yet loved all the same. This is about Your Glory, Your Kingdom, and Your Name. Hear us O Lord, not because we are good, but only because we are yours! Answer us as you see fit not for our will to be done or our name to be made great, but for your will to be done and Your Name to made Great through all time! Yours is the Kingdom! Yours is the Power! Yours is the Glory, forever and ever, AMEN!

Writing out prayers ...

This weekend, I was asked to lead my church during the morning services in prayer. I was asked to do this on Friday, so I did not have much time to think about it. I have struggled with fear of man issues for a very long time - though God is changing me for the better in a noticeable way - and talking or praying in front of a group brings out the strongest fear.

There have been three primary ways I have dealt with this. First, I have a friend who is relentlessly reminding me of the gospel, re-centering me on the fact that my relationship with God is not based on performance, but on what Christ has already done. If I am His through faith, then there is now no condemnation for me in Christ and I do not need to fear losing the relationship I have with Him. So, because of what Christ has done, I am loved and secure in that love.

Second, I have focused on God's "evaluation" of me, in contrast to man's. While related to the first, it is slightly different in focus. Whenever I get so focused on what a person or a group of individuals think of me, I try to remember that God is so much bigger than they are and that he is the only one who can cast into hell or bring into heaven. I need to care far more what he thinks of me - to the point where, although I am not unconcerned with others, I focus truly on an audience of one. His evaluation of me is the only one that really matters - especially in any type of eternal state. And, because of what Christ has already accomplished, God is quite pleased with me (and all who are in Christ). Now, that does not mean that there is never some "fatherly displeasure" or discipline in my life - any loving father who cares about their child would do so. But it is not the relationship-severing or bullying that sometimes occurs in human relationships. So, because I am part of God's family, where he is the Only True Father, I do what I do for His fatherly pleasure.

Third, I find that if I take my time before I have to speak and write out what I want to say, it not only organizes my thoughts and gives me time to think of how I want to say what I want to say, but it gives me a bit of a safety net. If I become afraid or nervous to the point of being somewhat paralyzed, I have a text in front of me to help me. While I wish this weren't necessary, at this stage of my "recovery," it is an invaluable aid to getting me up there in front of people. So this is a bit of a crutch, I admit it. I hope to one day outgrow it. But I also know that God works in my weakness, and if I were able to stand up with no fear, I would be greatly tempted to take pride in my "great oral skills." It is humbling to have people take exception to the fact that I read things - even things I write myself and are from my heart ... and perhaps that's just what I need at this point.

Which brings me to the prayer I prayed yesterday. I knew the section of scripture that would be preached on, as well as a couple of the main points. I also wanted to use a psalm as the starting point for the prayer. So, meditating on Psalm 77 and the text from Matthew 22, I came up with a prayer that was from my heart, a prayer that addressed in general terms the hurts and needs that are out there in virtually any congregation of any size. I spent time praising God, confessing broad and specific corporate and individual sins, thanking God specifically for those who served our country and those who gave their lives doing so (as it is Memorial Day weekend), and asking God to provide for the true, deep needs of the congregation. These were my words (though I'm sure most of the ideas are common among the many books I read and sermons I listen to) that I spent more than 3 hours preparing. But I read about two-thirds of my prayer. I had some extemporaneous spots throughout, but I wanted to be sure to say certain things in certain ways. Because of my fear-of-man struggles, I do not presume to think that my own motives were absolutely pure, but I think I am being truly honest when I say that I was not trying to impress people as much as pour my heart out to God and lead this group in a prayer that would reflect their heart to God as well. This was not so much about me looking good (though who wants to look bad?) as much as, I hope, about lifting God before the congregation, and lifting the congregation up to God.

After I finished, I wondered what people thought. But again, as I thought about my own pride and my own desire to have people like me, I thought it was "dangerous" for me to ask anyone. I wanted to be content that I did this for the Lord, and that His evaluation of me would be right and true, just and merciful. There were a number of people who came up to me and said that the appreciated the length of my prayer, the focus of my prayer, and the way that I said things. I find that I almost fear such compliments, since I do not want to feed my pride - but it did feel good to receive these, and I wanted to receive graciously what people went out of their way to offer.

But. There was one guy who had a huge issue with me reading my prayer. He didn't of course come to me about it, but spoke with someone else, who relayed the conversation to me (in the course of a general conversation we had - he didn't like, run over to me and say, "Ooooh, guess what ..."). This one comment unfortunately outweighed the dozens of positive comments - in my mind at least. There it is again - the perfectionism, the pride, the fear of man, the wanting everyone to be pleased with me. Forgive me Father for putting this person and these people above you in my heart - even if just for a moment. My wife is good for me - she is truly God's gift to me - and we joked about my pride and "OCD" tendencies. But this one comment sticks with me far more than the others - and that is wrong. Some people gave me beautiful comments, and I know the Lord has made me whatever I am - I can take no credit, except for my sin. Why can't I just enjoy the comments equally with the criticism, both on a level far below what God thinks of me? Why do I have this issue with pride, with fear of man, with wanting everyone to think well of me? I am such a sinner in need of so much grace! I am glad that God is not done with me yet.

So, I don't know if it is wrong or not to write out a prayer and read it. but I tend to think it is not. The Bible is full of written documents - including prayers - that are no less heartfelt because they were written. I wrote this out in my own words, and I think it better reflected my heart than the spur-of-the-moment extemporaneous prayers I do. I would love to be able to come up with such on the spot," but it's not like I write everything out. I thought it was appropriate given my shortcomings and the setting in which I was praying. I am sorry if I offended this man or any others - that was certainly not my intent. But, if I am doing this for an audience of one, I must let go of the criticism - and the compliments as well - not callously, but submitting who I am and what I do to the Only True and Righteous Judge. Who is also My Redeemer, My Father, and My God.

Two-year-olds ...

I am currently watching two two-year-old boys. They are great little guys, but they are so full of energy! Energy that is mostly directed in fun, semi-constructive ways - but turns in an instant. Two-year-olds can be laughing together one moment, fighting over a toy the next, then back to friends. It makes ones head spin! They are old enough to clearly express what they want, yet not old enough to have developed sophisticated techniques for hiding their wants ... raw desire, unleashed on an unsuspecting world ...

They can be very kind and tender one moment, and the next, fighting with all their strength over the toy the other one has - the toy that has sat untouched for an hour. The word "mine" seems to be nearly "built-in."

But as I reflect, are we really all that different? Oh, sure we are more mature - meaning perhaps we don't fight over the same things or expose our raw inner feelings so easily. But the same basic urges are there: "I want ..." "You can't" "I must have ... to make me feel right." What hope is there for these two-year-olds (a very loud thump made me jump as they played superman off the coffee table ... must go ... back now) who grow up in a world that seems to urge them to let these urges go and indulge them fully? Parenting would be a very grim task without hope ...

Not hope that they will be better than me ... Not hope that they will earn lots of money, or drive the right car, or live in the right house in the right neighborhood, or even that they will marry the right spouse ... No, hope that they can become more than what they are - more than the sum of their genetics and experiences. But this is not a natural hope, but a hope that they will follow Christ and that He will reside in them - changing them from the inside out. Making them something beyond what the "raw materials" could be ... adding a supernatural element to their re-creation. That's hope for them, for the world, and for me ...