Despero

This is a drawing I did of Despero, the character in a movie I saw with my children over Christmas while in Tennessee.

Escher's Eye

This is a picture I drew over Christmas while in Tennessee. I used MC Escher's "eye" as the model.

Review - Death By Love (Mark Driscoll)

The twelve chapters of this book are unique, hard-hitting application of 12 theological truths of Christ's identity and what he accomplished on our behalf, written as letters to members of his congregation. Mark pulls no punches, both in describing sin's ugliness and God's gracious and radical solution in Christ.

I resonate with this book, I think, mostly because it is not sterile. It does not clean up stories, sugar coat the diagnosis or walk the politically correct church line. Therefore, I believe it will actually help many people. It rings of truth in situations to me the way God's Word does - not the sanitized biographies we read in today's Christian culture. God didn't hide the warts and ugliness of life in general or of his saints in particular - including the ones we hold up as heroes of the faith. We do a great disservice to everyone when we sanitize life.

On the other hand, I'm sure if every book was written in this style, we would quickly become desensitized to it - as we do with TV, movies and other parts of our culture. This book serves an important place in my library and it is one of my favorite books, but it is not for everyone. It should be, in my opinion - but not everyone is ready for it. It is a must-read for mature Christians and those who give simplistic answers to life's tough questions. The fact that it does so well what it does while "teaching" theology warms my heart and makes me wonder if there really is hope after all for the American church.

Review - Death By Love (Mark Driscoll)

Table of Contents:

Introduction: "We killed God:Jesus is Our Substitutionary Atonement

Ch 1: "Demons Are Tormenting Me" - Jesus is Katie's Christus Victor
Ch 2: "Lust Is My God" - Jesus is Thomas' Redemption
Ch 3: "My Wife Slept with My Friend" - Jesus is Luke's New Covenant Sacrifice
Ch 4: "I Am a 'Good' Christian" - Jesus is David's Gift Righteousness
Ch 5: "I Molested a Child" - Jesus is John's Justification
Ch 6: "My Dad Used to Beat Me" - Jesus is Bill's Propitiation
Ch 7: "He Raped Me" - Jesus is Mary's Expiation
Ch 8: "My Daddy Is a Pastor" - Jesus is Gideon's Unlimited Limited Atonement
Ch 9: "I Am Going to Hell" - Jesus is Hank's Ransom
Ch 10: "My Wife Has a Brain Tumor" - Jesus is Caleb's Christus Exemplar
Ch 11: "I Hate My Brother" - Jesus is Kurt's Reconciliation
Ch 12: "I Want to Know God" - Jesus is Susan's Revelation

Phillies Win!!!

The Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series!!!

I find myself wondering if I am dreaming. For most of my life, the Phillies have been a losing team, but I have stuck with them. The 1980 season, of course, has been the most vivid good memory of them all ... until now. The team of Rose, Trillo, Bowa, Schmidt, McBride, Maddox, Luzinski, Boone, Carlton and McGraw has been the team aainst which to measure all other teams. When you only have one World Series Champion, it is not hard to agree among fans which is the best ... but now, we have 2. Two - not 26 or whatever it is for the Yankees. Not uniquely one, either, though.

Now I have the team of Howard, Utley, Rollins, Feliz, Burrell, Victorino, Werth, Ruiz, Hamels and Lidge to compete with my '80 team. Which is better? Do you have to pick one over the other? Is there enough room in a fan's heart for both? What happens if they win another? These are new things for Philadelphia fans to ponder ... I've never seen the Eagles win it all, nor the Flyers, and I saw the Sixers win in '83. Singular teams have been the norm for my fandom. What now?

If only someone had warned me how complex life was going to get ... ;)

Game 4 Win

Well, we were at Game 4 of the 2008 World Series last night between the Tampa Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies. It was fantastic! We got there hours before the gates opened - I think we may have been technically the first ones in line - at least, the first ones at the outfield gates. It was a beautiful fall day and the Eagles game provided some entertainment for a while - there was a projection screen set up along Citizens Bank ballpark, along with the many news agency vans and souvenir stands. My dad and uncle sat at the gates of the park and talked baseball with other fans as they slowly collected.

Inside the park, the workers were getting ready to hand out the "rally towels" to all fans - something so simple, and yet they unify people in a small but real way. When they finally opened the gates, they opened every other gate - of course, ours wasn't one of them. So although we lined up first, we weren't the first ones in. You would have thought the people we shared conversation with through the gate could have told us our gate wasn't going to open, but they didn't.

Walking inside our park was different - the air was different somehow. It was World Series air. My dad ran off to Bull's Barbecue for his standard fare. I decided to get in line at Tony Luke's since the line was relatively short (I think I only waited 10 minutes to place my order). That cheese steak was a World Series cheese steak - and boy did it taste good!

We scouted out our seats in left field, below the big scoreboard. They were actually quite good if you don't mind being away from home plate and not seeing the big board graphics. We were able to see, perhaps for the last time, Pat Burrell in a Phillies uniform. His stock seems to have risen in Philadelphia, although perhaps not enough to justify bringing him back.

Across Ashburn Alley from us was the Baseball tonight setup - we could see John Kruk and Karl Ravitsch with Steve Phillps and Peter Gammons. After the game, they would broadcast baseball tonight. As the fans were leaving, they would chant Kruk's name and although he was working on some kind of a report, he would raise both his arms in acknowledgement to the crowd and the fans would cheer. The pictures I took came out a little blurry, but I got a good one of Kruk's back ... :)

The stadium began to fill and as I walked around to see where my aunt and uncle got to stand with their standing room only tickets, I ran into my friend who works for a local newspaper. I didn't realize he was also a big Phillies fan, though I should have ... So, there were 4 other people I know at the game besides me - 4 out of about 42,000 or .01% ... My aunt and uncle's spot was great - just slightly off center from home plate (towards the third base side) at the metal "troughs" behind the first section of seats. They got fantastic "seats" much cheaper than those around them if they got theirs off stub hub. Home plate section seats were going quite high, if I recall - $1500 and more. Anyway, my uncle said this game was one of the highlights of his life.

I believe that was the most people I have ever been with simultaneously. Back in 1990, I was at a conference with 20,000 people, but the attendance this night was 42,000. Now perhaps I was at a game at the Vet (seating capacity I believe 60,000+) with more people, but I don't remember it - and there certainly wasn't the emotion of a world series game then. I've never been to a Penn State game, or any of the other mega-stadiums. So I believe this was the loudest game I've ever been to, if not the largest crowd. As I stood there in the outfield and let the sheer volume of the cheers come in like waves from the ocean (I couldn't tell you if there was one single Ray fan there that night), what came to my mind? Heaven. Or, more precisely, praising God with all the other saints of all time. Standing before God and having my heart so engulfed by his majesty that praise pours out of me like it never has before ... and standing with billions of other Christians as they do the same. "Awesome" does not even begin to describe this experience. That small Phillies game was just a foretaste of the divine glory that will be revealed. What attracts us to these events, these things "bigger than life?" Is it not the faint echo of something truer, something far more satisfying that has been lost as we live apart from God in this sin-cursed world where death is chained to these bodies?

The Phillies crushed the Rays 10-4. Even the pitcher hit a home run!

God has crushed and will continue to crush his enemies - the World, the flesh, the Devil, sin and death. This victory will be worthy of all praise above any praise we have ever uttered or imagined ...

Going to game 4 of the World Series ...

Can you believe it? We have tickets for game 4 of the World Series! I am going with my dad, and my aunt and uncle are also going. This is something I never thought would come to pass. The Phillies are playing the Tampa Rays. We purchased the tickets before the previous round of the playoffs were completed, since the price was refundable if they didn't advance ...



I have dreamt about going to a World Series Game for years - and a potential clinching one for the Phillies seemed like just a wish. But here we are - those Rays spoiled the potential clincher by winning one game. It would have been nice ... but then again, it would have been nuts at a clinching game. I'll just have to watch it from home Monday night ...

We are going very early for this game ... it's 7 pm tonight and we're leaving now ... the Eagles are also playing today at home, and apparently there is a concert tonight featuring "The Who" - so parking and traffic could get interesting!

Sins that so easily beset us...

I have a particular set of sins that ebbs and flows in my experience. No, I'm not going to tell you what they are - but it involves my desires and the actions that flow from them (not a helpful description - isn't that what all sin is?). There are times when I seem to be more vulnerable and times where I can brush off temptation like so much lint off a jacket. These are things, like all sins, that are common to us all. It is so defeating to succumb yet again. It never lives up to the promise, and guilt always follows. Some people might brush this aside as inconsequential, but I cannot. I don't want this in my life anymore, and I hate when I become so foolish to think it will deliver on its promise this time.

Someday I know I will be free of these desires - for when I see Him, I will be like Him. So I know that God will get the victory over this in my life - eventually. I know that he might gain this victory even on this side of heaven. But the struggle is so hard and so relentless, it does seem at times like there is no hope. But there is. Someday there will be no more sin, no more suffering, no more death and decay! Oh what a day that will be!

I know that God is also absolutely sovereign, and therefore he arranges the events of my life so that they are for my best and his glory! He is not the author of sin and He does not tempt anyone, but he allows us to go through the suffering of resisting sin, of feeling its sting, of slow victories for reasons not yet fully revealed. Someday, I will see the top side of the tapestry, when all the "loose threads" and crossed patterns make sense - and He will get the praise.

I do not yet see sin for he horrible reality it is, and I do not see Christ for the all-surpassing, all-satisfying, glorious God He is! Sometimes I think that if I only saw Him as he is, my desire for sin would fade away. There is truth to that, and it would help if those I listen to would verbally exalt Him as He truly is - but I have begun to see that this is not the total answer. Men love darkness. I loved darkness. I still do. Not to the degree I once did - and not when I am controlled by the Spirit. I seem to be a mixture of my old self and new. I don't know if that is theologically accurate, but it is the way it feels. So while I went through a period of thinking I just needed better teachers to give me a more accurate view of the exalted Christ, there is still a problem within me. I still believe the lies.

Lord, forgive me of my lack of clarity. You are owed clear thinking and whole-hearted devotion, and I fall so short. I have been too harsh with others, thinking their "problems" could be fixed by "just" getting a better picture of you. There is no hope for the human heart but you. There is no hope but your plan, your sovereign work in my heart. Forgive me for trite advice, telling others that they "just" needed to pray, to study their Bible, to get an accountability partner, or to get a better picture of Christ. All these things do help, and they are not bad, but they are not the answer - you are. You are the one who changes people - not some technique. You are the one who reaches into a life and accomplishes what you will. You call us to strive with all your energy, to work out our salvation with trembling and fear - for it is you at work in us.

These sins are so stubborn. Your grace is sufficient. Sufficient to forgive my sins, to keep me longing to be better, and some day, in your timing, to make me like Him in this area too. I want it to be so Lord. Yesterday. Forgive me for my impatience. May you have all the glory in this area of my life - and all areas!

A Game 1 win ...

Can I invest more emotion in the Phillies? Can I pull for them to win it all yet? Or am I stuck, like most Philly fans, being so cautious of the pain of losing that I have to be pessimistic for protection? They won game 1 of the NLCS against the Dodgers. Many experts are picking them to win the NL pennant. They're winning and Howard and Utley have not woken up yet. They're getting good pitching and have a "perfect" closer. But ... But ... But will they implode? Will the Dodgers ride Manny's back to the World Series? Or will Rollins and Howard and Utley do what they are capable of and carry the Phillies to meet the AL? And will they be able to handle Boston's experience or Tampa Bay's ignorance of pressure?

I know that sports is in the wrong place in many lives. My love of the Phillies cannot compete with my love for God. But what is the proper way for a follower of Christ to enjoy the gifts he has given (and baseball is a gift)? We all love some hobby or activity - and I think God meant it to be that way. We aren't supposed to let these things get out of proportion. Whether it is hunting, bowling, reading, opera, sports, TV, fitness, our jobs, or even our family, they should never become more important to us even in a moment than God is.

My love for the Phillies does go back a long way - the 1970's. OK, I know some of you have been through the 30's, 40's, 50's and so on. But I don't remember a time when the Phillies were not my team - and for me, that might as well be 1000 years. It seems like a long time.

The last time the Phillies were in the World Series, I was in Baltimore teaching. Unfortunately, I don't remember putting too much time in watching them then - it seemed that my job took up all my energy. So although I liked the '93 team, the '80-'83 team is the one I most identify with. So this has been a long time for me. Yes, I know I'm talking like the World Series is already a definite - I guess I'm invested.

My question is, since it happens so infrequently, do I pay the exorbitant price to get a playoff ticket from StubHub? Or do I let this opportunity go, hoping they make it more than once every 15 years? In the last 15, I've lost a lot of family members - most of them Phillie fans. What does one do?

My first playoff game ...

The first playoff game I ever attended was great! Oh, the weather was lousy - raining - and it probably would have been cancelled if this was a regular season game. We were in the upper deck in the left field foul section - though in the first row. It wasn't the furthest you could get from the field, but just about ...

There were some ominous clouds moving towards the game, and the Philadelphia skyline disappeared for an hour or so due to the hard rains. However, the clouds took a path close to the stadium - but not into it. We heard thunder and had a steady drizzle - but the game went on.

It was in many ways everything I thought it would be. The view from your TV at home is obviously better than those seats, but you can't reproduce the roar of the crowd, the smells, and the experience of having your entire field of view immersed in the park. Everyone was handed a cheap white towel with a Phillies logo - not a terribly creative "rally device." I would love to have the sticks that Anaheim passes out - I understand they make some real noise when 40,000 people beat them together. However, the towels were visually effective and kept the crowd in the game.

At certain moments, the ballpark was the loudest environment I have ever been in. Granted, it was not a game full of highly-emotional moments, but there were some. It made me think what it will be like when we are in some heavenly "stadium" with the billions of saints throughout time praising the Lord with all their emotion, mind, and strength. Now that will be something! To have the Lord of Glory revealed before us all and to finally be free of sin and death to be able to do what we were made for unhindered - praising him! Now that will top even the Phillies winning the World Series :)

NL East Champion Phillies

The Phillies are National League champions again. I have to give Pat Gillick credit - I was concerned he had lost his touch. Although, once again, we must give a special, warm-hearted thank you to the New York Mets! I don't know what happens in September to them - I thought October was the month to turn into a pumpkin - but I am happy to see the Phillies step in. There is a small part of me that actually feels a bit sorry for their fans - but only a bit. The Mets and Giants (FB) "ruined" my senior year in high school, and the Giants did it again my senior year in college. The Mets are just about my least favorite team - I'd even rather see the Yankees win than them. But, as much as I like David Wright, I'm happy to see him pack his bags for the winter. Maybe he'll get lucky this winter and get traded somewhere else ... somewhere better like Seattle ...



I am going to the playoff game on Wednesday - it's the first post-season game of any type I have gone to.

How do you help someone?

How do you help someone who won't let you in? Who won't even talk to you? I have a friend in the middle of an adulterous affair. He's lost his job and has isolated himself from people that care for him. His children are angry, and his wife has been betrayed. How do you speak into situations such as these?



I know that we cannot counsel someone who does not want counsel. We can't help someone who refuses help ... or can we? Can we not help an unwilling friend in spite of themselves? It is clear we can't have the direct ministry in their life that would be most helpful, but can't we do something? I think we can.



We can pray. This is not a trite saying or a synonym for "we're confused" or "we don't know what to do." We can take our friend and the situation to God's very Throne. We can plead with God to act for His Name's sake in mercy and grace to this person. We can confidently know that God knows all things, and that he takes these things and weaves them into his master tapestry. We bring no new information to God, nor do we stir an unwilling King. We do not need to beg from our Father, yet he values and uses our prayers sovereignly to bring about His will. Sometimes we do need to be diligent in praying for a long time for situations. Praying is not a waste of time - but neither is it a show. It is not useless because we do not know God's secret will, but neither do we bend God to our will. It is not a matter of the right words, but of the right heart. God will graciously grant our requests as they line up with his will. Prayer is the means that he uses to bring about his will - if I do not pray, someone else will and they will get the blessing of being used by God to bring about his will. Just as Paul says "How will they hear if no one speaks?" The one who speaks the Word does not accomplish God's will, but is used as a conduit through which God accomplishes his will. If we don't want to be involved, God will raise up others who will - just as Jesus said the very rocks would cry out if the crowd was silent. God will get the praise he has ordained - whether he uses me or a rock. But it's better for me if He uses me ...


And so, we can pray for my friend.

What else can we do?



We can let all those involved know that we are open to them, waiting to hear from them. We can let them know that we can't go along with their choice, but are willing to love them enough to be straight with them.



We can choose to let go of the pride and anger in our own heart that wants to condemn and wants to be angry for what their sin has cost us - but truthfully, where am I really on the list of offended people? We can address the issues of our own heart so that we do not sin by judging, condemning, becoming self-righteous, or worrying that our plans or reputations are ruined (incidentally, that might be another good blog - on the damage Christians do to each other in the name of "keeping a good testimony"). It is not about us.

My children ...

A friend sent me an email recently asking for wisdom in building a relationship with his young daughter while ministry burderns pull him away. Here are my thoughts ...

It's hard for me to believe that my daughter is 7 (8 in November) and entering 2nd grade tomorrow. The time does fly by - she is no longer the toddler waiting for me to play with her. She is capable of playing by herself, and she has lots of friends now. In 10 years, she'll be entering her senior year in high school. Only 10 years! That's yesterday! 1998 - The year the Yankees won 114 games or whatever it was and beat the Padres in the World Series. The year I graduated with my Master's degree. The year I started at (an ill-advised stint with a not-so-ethical company). When I blink next, she'll be gone, out of the house.

It's thoughts like these that send a chill up my spine. All these things I think are so important today - will they have the same value then as I look back? My grandmother had a stroke last year, and though she has recovered OK for someone now 92, we will never paint together again. How many times did I put off painting with her to do some church related activity? More than I want to count. How many meetings did I let become a priority in my life that just were not of any real importance? Too many.

People mean well, but most activities and meetings are just not worth the time they take from families.We're going to celebrate my son's third birthday in a couple of weeks. These are the last weeks I'll ever have him as a two-year old. If we have no more kids, it will be the last time I will have a two-year old, period. What is more important than playing cars with my son? Not much. And yet how many times do I pass it up for "more important things..."

Now, of course, I don't want to let my family become an idol in my life. If God calls you to sacrifice, you do it, though it hurts. But I wonder how many Christians allow others to burden them where God does not, or to guilt others into "duty?" I'm convinced that God calls far fewer people to sacrifice their kids on the altar of ministry than we think. God has told us that if you want to look whether a man is qualified for ministry, look at his home. Are his children believers? Do they respect him or resent him? Is his wife respectful and supportive of the choices he makes? If a man can't manage his own household, does it matter what else he does?What pain is waiting there for the man who helps others see Christ but has his own children reject Him because they associate Him with our poor choices?What comfort will there be for the man who works hard to see the children of others saved, but loses his own kids?

God needs no one - least of all me. If we allow ourselves to think we are crucial to his mission, we will make choices that may lead to long-term heartache. We serve as he calls. But he calls us first to serve our families - an incomprehensible gift that is not to be squandered. We are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. And your children are the only people who see you as you truly are - day in and day out. They are our first ministry ... God made the family to be the foundation of society. We cannot neglect it and yet go on thinking that everything will work out in the end because we are "sacrificing" to serve God. What if God doesn't want to be served with that "cost?"

Your email is much appreciated and thought-provoking. I will pray for you - and for all fathers who must make similar choices ...


P.S. Don't believe the "quantity/quality line" - "I can't spend much quantity of time with them, so I'll make sure it's quality time." With kids especially, quality time is quantity time. Relationships don't work well scheduled and limited - or, at least they aren't as intimate as family relationships should be ... Before you listen to anyone's advice - including mine - on balancing ministry/family, check out their family. Is it one you think is worthy to resemble? Don't just go with the surface conclusions like the Israelites did with Saul - look at their hearts. If you don't see Godly hearts leading to godly actions, don't copy their methods ...

Issues with my hands ...

Lately, I have had some issues with my hands. They are often asleep and my wrists are often painful at any angle other than straight. It is a chore to write or even type with them right now, and sleeping can be rough - I generally sleep on my stomach because I have both central and obstructive sleep apnea. Two weeks ago, I tried playing racquetball and my hands were numb almost immediately, and I had very little strength in them. My mom has carpal-tunnel syndrome, so perhaps there is a genetic component to the structure of my wrists. As with many Americans, I could also stand to lose some weight, which would help. Even right now, I have to stop after every sentence and shake my hands out to get the feeling back.

Sometimes it feels wrong to even include this in the category of suffering, since it is relatively minor and is probably somewhat self-inflicted. And yet, it is suffering. I can't write like I want to or type or sleep, but become a "slave" to avoiding pain (and damage) to my wrists and hands.

Yet, even this is within God's sovereign plan for my life - a plan to take me where He wants me to be. Perhaps there is an element of discipline to it, but I have a hard time sometimes acknowledging "discipline" and avoiding the self-loathing perfectionistic spiral that seems to come with it for me. I can't figure out exactly what God is doing in my life, and that's not my job anyway. My job is to listen to what I should do next and to lean on His grace to get me there. I need grace and mercy, for sure. A little "healing" would be nice, too - but I trust the Potter's Hand even as he cuts away the scrap clay to mold me into what he wants mew to be. It's not fun, but where else is there to be? I'd rather be in the hands of my loving Father who is doing his work in me for ultimate good than to be pain free away from him ...

God's beaches ...

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go to the beach for the first time this year. There is something about the beach that escapes my ability to describe it - but let me try. First, of course, there are all the childhood memories of being at the beach with extended family. The sunburns, the great food, playing games, staying up until 5 AM playing video games with my cousins, building sandcastles, sand-cars, and digging deep holes. Finding sand crabs and fishing off the piers. Watching the adults eat dozens of crabs. And, of course, the occasional squabble. Mostly fond memories. That's probably a lot of it - but not all.

I loved the hot sand leading up to the cool, crashing waves. Feeling conflicting thoughts of wanting to go "way out" in the waves and being terrified of sharks. Thinking that every sharp shell or rock was a crab waiting to bite a toe. Jumping up on the face of a wave, reaching the top and having the wave move out from under you so that your whole body is out of the water was the goal for us. We spent hours in the ocean.

Now, I love the way the air smells, the warmth of the sun that somehow is just stronger than the sun we have at home. The way my body feels baking in the sun as the water evaporates, leaving a thin layer of salt over my sunscreen-coated body. I love finding shells. Yesterday, we found one of the best shells I have ever seen recovered from the shore. Mostly, we just find bivalve shells, and rarely intact at that. But this was one of those colorful spiral shells that I only ever found at the shops along the beach. It is a perfect specimen (or at least perfect enough that I won't look for defects and ruin the thought).

But again, I find myself praising Him. When I was a child, these things were good as pleasures unto themselves. But now, they are seen as gifts from a creator who loves his creation and loves us. These things are wonders that speak to his glory, his creativity, his love. The sun very much speaks to his character - life-giving and positively enjoyable to bask in, but come before Him in just your own skin and you will experience burning pain. None of us can stand before the Holy One without the covering of Christ - but from within that covering, we can enjoy the glorious energy that comes from Him.

It's interesting that life has become much more enjoyable lately. There is a depth and a richness to things I was just not aware of previously. Busy-ness - even "religious" busy-ness - really can cause you to miss the forest for the trees ...

Lord, your beaches are truly awe-inspiring. The continuously renewing artwork that is the surf and sky highlights your infinite power, creativity, and care of detail. The warmth of the sun is more satisfying than all the trinkets I have in my house. You let your sun shine and the beaches glow on your enemies as well as your family ... the creatures who live under your care (and under our noses) show your handiwork ... there is no one like You ...