My children ...

A friend sent me an email recently asking for wisdom in building a relationship with his young daughter while ministry burderns pull him away. Here are my thoughts ...

It's hard for me to believe that my daughter is 7 (8 in November) and entering 2nd grade tomorrow. The time does fly by - she is no longer the toddler waiting for me to play with her. She is capable of playing by herself, and she has lots of friends now. In 10 years, she'll be entering her senior year in high school. Only 10 years! That's yesterday! 1998 - The year the Yankees won 114 games or whatever it was and beat the Padres in the World Series. The year I graduated with my Master's degree. The year I started at (an ill-advised stint with a not-so-ethical company). When I blink next, she'll be gone, out of the house.

It's thoughts like these that send a chill up my spine. All these things I think are so important today - will they have the same value then as I look back? My grandmother had a stroke last year, and though she has recovered OK for someone now 92, we will never paint together again. How many times did I put off painting with her to do some church related activity? More than I want to count. How many meetings did I let become a priority in my life that just were not of any real importance? Too many.

People mean well, but most activities and meetings are just not worth the time they take from families.We're going to celebrate my son's third birthday in a couple of weeks. These are the last weeks I'll ever have him as a two-year old. If we have no more kids, it will be the last time I will have a two-year old, period. What is more important than playing cars with my son? Not much. And yet how many times do I pass it up for "more important things..."

Now, of course, I don't want to let my family become an idol in my life. If God calls you to sacrifice, you do it, though it hurts. But I wonder how many Christians allow others to burden them where God does not, or to guilt others into "duty?" I'm convinced that God calls far fewer people to sacrifice their kids on the altar of ministry than we think. God has told us that if you want to look whether a man is qualified for ministry, look at his home. Are his children believers? Do they respect him or resent him? Is his wife respectful and supportive of the choices he makes? If a man can't manage his own household, does it matter what else he does?What pain is waiting there for the man who helps others see Christ but has his own children reject Him because they associate Him with our poor choices?What comfort will there be for the man who works hard to see the children of others saved, but loses his own kids?

God needs no one - least of all me. If we allow ourselves to think we are crucial to his mission, we will make choices that may lead to long-term heartache. We serve as he calls. But he calls us first to serve our families - an incomprehensible gift that is not to be squandered. We are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. And your children are the only people who see you as you truly are - day in and day out. They are our first ministry ... God made the family to be the foundation of society. We cannot neglect it and yet go on thinking that everything will work out in the end because we are "sacrificing" to serve God. What if God doesn't want to be served with that "cost?"

Your email is much appreciated and thought-provoking. I will pray for you - and for all fathers who must make similar choices ...


P.S. Don't believe the "quantity/quality line" - "I can't spend much quantity of time with them, so I'll make sure it's quality time." With kids especially, quality time is quantity time. Relationships don't work well scheduled and limited - or, at least they aren't as intimate as family relationships should be ... Before you listen to anyone's advice - including mine - on balancing ministry/family, check out their family. Is it one you think is worthy to resemble? Don't just go with the surface conclusions like the Israelites did with Saul - look at their hearts. If you don't see Godly hearts leading to godly actions, don't copy their methods ...